A couple of months ago I had a near-death experience.
Oh no, an autobiographical interlude! If I were some science blogger I’d probably say, “Hey, get your own fucking blog for that crap!”
But you know how it is. Everythang I do gon be funky from now on, etc.
The near-death experience was a 24-hour interlude wherein lab tests performed by a local branch of the Cancer Industrial Complex made it seem likely that my cancer had returned. Well, lemme tell you, I had about 47 kittens. When the interlude was over, and it turned out I was still what they call “cured,” I spent an hour in the can doing what you do when you have just found out you’re not going to die after all (at least not right away).
When that was over, I said, “That’s it!”
And I meant it, by gum.
Whereupon I quit pussyfooting around. First to go were the three or four cigarettes I was letting myself smoke every day after fifteen years of botched attempts at quitting, which botched attempts included hypnosis, Wellbutrin, 637 boxes of Nicoderm, chemotherapy, and three complete rounds of Chantix, the pill that makes you sui/homicidal. Who was I kidding? I had fucking cancer. I can’t smoke.
So I went back on the patch for a month and just fucking did it. Blam. The end. It turns out it is not possible to quit smoking unless you have recently been under the impression that you’re about to croak of a hideous disease but somehow you oiled out of it at the last minute.
Next, I removed from my nightstand drawer the embarrassing 471-pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Not only are M&Ms fundamentally gross, they have those creepy TV commercials where the talking M&Ms are delighted to go to their deaths as cheap human snacks.
I also removed from my freezer the embarrassing 471-pound bag of tater tots. Processed frozen fried reconstituted potato nuggets! What am I, twelve?
I hauled out of storage my old elliptical machine, therabands, balance ball, heart monitor, yoga mat, and dumbbells, and began sweatin’ to the oldies.
Next, I invented Aunt Food. Aunt Food is an organic whole wheat tortilla smeared with avocado and topped with grated carrot, grated zucchini, diced red bell pepper, steamed corn, a few sunflower seeds, cilantro, and pico de gallo. It is washed down with an ice-cold half-gallon of Liquid Sanctimony.
The result? I am now a superfatted bore with huge guns and gas bloat!
Because of its beauty and whimsical health claims (it can make you invisible), everyone’s been begging me for the recipe for Liquid Sanctimony.
2 giant kale leaves
2 giant chard leaves
handful dandelion greens
handful broccoli florets
1/16th of a red cabbage
2 celery stalks, with leaves
1/4 lemon (with rind)
2 of those little tangerines that come in plastic net bags
1″ pineapple ring
handful blueberries (fresh or frozen)
handful strawberries (fresh or frozen)
handful raw cacao nibs
handful dried goji berries (Navitas brand is somewhat edible)
handful sesame seeds
handful sunflower seeds
handful flax seeds
1 tablespoon coconut butter
1 tablespoon bee pollen
1 maraschino cherry (optional)
1 miniature paper umbrella
Put the greens in a VitaMix with 2 cups of water.
Don goggles and protective noise-blocking earmuffs.
Set VitaMix on “stun.”
Whirl 17.4 seconds.
Wipe off goggles, kitchen cabinets.
Add remaining ingredients (except cherry, umbrella).
Whirl 28 seconds.
Inspect resultant sludge with critical eye.
Dilute with water or ice to desired viscosity and re-whirl.
Serve with cherry, umbrella
Makes about 2 quarts. Drink the whole thing. Repeat daily for 2 weeks. Prance around town glowing with vitality and smug superiority.
Note 1: For maximum sanctimony, use only organic fair trade ingredients grown by weathered-looking folk living simple lives.
Note 2: Do not attempt with a lesser blender. The machine should be capable of generating a wormhole, lest the beverage come out all gritty and lumpy and insufficiently liquefied, which would impair both digestibility and your sense of sanctimony.
Note 3: if you use Liquid Sanctimony to detox after coming off a hardcore tater tots/cigarettes/peanut M&Ms habit, steel yourself for interesting gastric events.