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Feb 18 2010

What I did on my Christmas vacation

Liquid Sanctimony

A couple of months ago I had a near-death experience.

Oh no, an autobiographical interlude! If I were some science blogger I’d probably say, “Hey, get your own fucking blog for that crap!”

But you know how it is. Everythang I do gon be funky from now on, etc.

The near-death experience was a 24-hour interlude wherein lab tests performed by a local branch of the Cancer Industrial Complex made it seem likely that my cancer had returned. Well, lemme tell you, I had about 47 kittens. When the interlude was over, and it turned out I was still what they call “cured,” I spent an hour in the can doing what you do when you have just found out you’re not going to die after all (at least not right away).

When that was over, I said, “That’s it!

And I meant it, by gum.

Whereupon I quit pussyfooting around. First to go were the three or four cigarettes I was letting myself smoke every day after fifteen years of botched attempts at quitting, which botched attempts included hypnosis, Wellbutrin, 637 boxes of Nicoderm, chemotherapy, and three complete rounds of Chantix, the pill that makes you sui/homicidal. Who was I kidding? I had fucking cancer. I can’t smoke.

So I went back on the patch for a month and just fucking did it. Blam. The end. It turns out it is not possible to quit smoking unless you have recently been under the impression that you’re about to croak of a hideous disease but somehow you oiled out of it at the last minute.

Next, I removed from my nightstand drawer the embarrassing 471-pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Not only are M&Ms fundamentally gross, they have those creepy TV commercials where the talking M&Ms are delighted to go to their deaths as cheap human snacks.

I also removed from my freezer the embarrassing 471-pound bag of tater tots. Processed frozen fried reconstituted potato nuggets! What am I, twelve?

I hauled out of storage my old elliptical machine, therabands, balance ball, heart monitor, yoga mat, and dumbbells, and began sweatin’ to the oldies.

Next, I invented Aunt Food. Aunt Food is an organic whole wheat tortilla smeared with avocado and topped with grated carrot, grated zucchini, diced red bell pepper, steamed corn, a few sunflower seeds, cilantro, and pico de gallo. It is washed down with an ice-cold half-gallon of Liquid Sanctimony.

The result? I am now a superfatted bore with huge guns and gas bloat!

Because of its beauty and whimsical health claims (it can make you invisible), everyone’s been begging me for the recipe for Liquid Sanctimony.

Liquid Sanctimony

2 giant kale leaves
2 giant chard leaves
handful dandelion greens
fistful spinach
handful parsley
handful wheatgrass
handful broccoli florets
1/16th of a red cabbage
2 celery stalks, with leaves
1/3 cucumber
1 carrot
1/2 avocado
1/4 lemon (with rind)
1 tomato
2 of those little tangerines that come in plastic net bags
1 banana
1 apple
1″ pineapple ring
1″ ginger
handful blueberries (fresh or frozen)
handful strawberries (fresh or frozen)
handful raw cacao nibs
handful dried goji berries (Navitas brand is somewhat edible)
handful sesame seeds
handful sunflower seeds
handful almonds
handful flax seeds
1 tablespoon coconut butter
1 tablespoon bee pollen
1 maraschino cherry (optional)
1 miniature paper umbrella

Put the greens in a VitaMix with 2 cups of water.
Don goggles and protective noise-blocking earmuffs.
Set VitaMix on “stun.”
Activate.
Whirl 17.4 seconds.
De-activate Vitamix.
Wipe off goggles, kitchen cabinets.
Add remaining ingredients (except cherry, umbrella).
Re-activate Vitamix.
Whirl 28 seconds.
De-activate VitaMix.
Inspect resultant sludge with critical eye.
Dilute with water or ice to desired viscosity and re-whirl.
Serve with cherry, umbrella

Makes about 2 quarts. Drink the whole thing. Repeat daily for 2 weeks. Prance around town glowing with vitality and smug superiority.

Note 1: For maximum sanctimony, use only organic fair trade ingredients grown by weathered-looking folk living simple lives.

Note 2: Do not attempt with a lesser blender. The machine should be capable of generating a wormhole, lest the beverage come out all gritty and lumpy and insufficiently liquefied, which would impair both digestibility and your sense of sanctimony.

Note 3: if you use Liquid Sanctimony to detox after coming off a hardcore tater tots/cigarettes/peanut M&Ms habit, steel yourself for interesting gastric events.

86 comments

1 ping

  1. Suzz

    Oh! Jill, you don’t need to hear this, I know, and you don’t care what this strange personage far far away thinks about you or your web-self anyway, but damn! You are hilarious and buckets of auntly fun. While I haven’t been on the Cancer-n-Cigarettes’ Tunnel-o-Wonder ride at the Hellmusement park, my mom has and in many ways this has influenced me to continually dump my figurative tot/cig/m&m habits. For me it’s mostly been too many frozen desserts and ‘Tings’ Corn Sticks in life. Also, too much toast with margarine. It doesn’t really matter that it’s whole grain, if there are a bazillion slices a day.

    Anyway, those Vitamix gizmos are the most excellent-seeming of gizmos, but how does a gal manage to afford one of those? Any auntly advice? My body is obviously dying for some Liquid Sanctimony, and I must get my hands on that most essential of tools.

  2. rootlesscosmo

    1. Hooray with the smoking.

    2. Sanctimony all’ Italiana:

    Peel and core a butternut squash. Cut it crosswise into slices about ½ inch thick.

    fry these a few at a time in very hot oil (olive or other) until sort of freckled on both sides; put them someplace to drain a little, then stack them in a baking dish.

    Make a sweet-and-sour sauce: chop and stew a large onion in oil with a little water to keep it from starting to fry; add a little cinnamon and ground clove, a fistful of raisins, a fistful of toasted pignolis (do these in a dry pan–keep ‘em moving so they don’t burn),1 cup dry white wine, ½ cup wine vinegar, and ½ cup bogus supermarket balsamic. Reduce this for a couple of minutes and pour it over the cooked squash.

    This improves after a day or even two in the fridge.

    3. Hooray some more.

  3. Jill

    Yo, rootless, that sounds pretty frakkin good. I just happen to have a butternut squash, and will be making this tomorrow. I cannot be particularly sanctimonious when I heat squash in oil, but what the hell.

  4. feral

    Congrats on the new status as a nonsmoker. I’m at a little over two months, myself, and I haven’t killed anyone yet.

    It is refreshing to learn of someone drinking sanctimonious smoothies as a part of a balanced diet and not as thinly-veiled anorexia. I am surrounded by practitioners of the sanctimonious smoothie/bi-monthly body “cleanse” dieters. Newsflash: it is NOT healthy to consume nothing but fresh maple syrup mixed with lemon juice and cayenne pepper for two weeks. I don’t care how “clean” it makes your colon.

  5. K

    OMG I haven’t laughed that hard in I don’t know how long. I had to cough, but then I would see the next sentence and not be able to cough b/c I was laughing so hard. So I had to just close my eyes until I could get the cough done with.

    Thanks, Jill!

  6. Cimorene

    Aunt Food sounds really delicious. I want to eat some right now.

  7. Laura

    Yay! Congrats on the no cancer, no smoking, no more tater tots! I am going to try Liquid Sanctimony! My husband makes fun of me for drinking Green Monsters (http://greenmonstermovement.com/), so I read the LS recipe to him. He said, “It sounds like she threw her yard in the blender!” Not in a mean way; it was funny. I will make him taste it. :)

  8. Shelby

    Inspirational Jill. I’ve gotta give up the fags. Everytime I have one I can feel it killing me, but I’m not sure whether that’s the bombardment of government advertising/brain washing/guilt I’m subjected to or if it’s really really happening.

    Has the margarita also gone the way of the Dodo Bird?

  9. Bushfire

    That is the healthiest thing I have ever seen!

  10. Kozmik

    Congrats, Twisty, quitting smoking is a very major accomplishment.

    I have a BlendTec, and it is comparable to VitaMix. I make a smoothie every day and it has certainly made me feel sanctimonious. It’s delicious and my energy level has increased.

    The digestive issues shall remain sekrit.

  11. duncan

    you should get another blog for this crap, but only because you put up a picture of the magic-no-death-smoothie.

  12. duncan

    you should get another blog for this crap, but only because you put up a picture of the magic-no-death-smoothie.

  13. stickypaws

    You go, Jill!
    (p.s. The maraschino cherry is NOT optional)

  14. D.

    The Cuisinart here took one look at that list of ingredients and perished on the spot.

    And congratulations on refusing to smoke anymore.

  15. Flamethorn

    Do you peel the tangerines first?

  16. ElizaN

    Congratulations on quitting smoking, and on inventing liquid sanctimony! That sounds like my kind of smoothie. The only small change I’d make is to replace the all vegetables and nuts with vodka. The fruit can stay, though.

  17. goblinbee

    Suzz, I just looked on Craigslist and found two for sale for $180 each (I’m in Portland). One ad said “all fair offers considered,” so it could conceivably be had for even less (150?).

    As to how to afford THAT, I like to save up for the things I really want, and then pay cash.

  18. Pinko Punko

    What is it about Cloverhill Big Texas Cinnamon Roll that makes people eat the giant bag of M&Ms? I mean I removed the giant bag of peanut M&Ms from my domicile by eating them. I literally had a vision that I needed a bag of M&Ms big enough to swim in. Is is some sort of parasite in the water or maybe the inability to wash soap off? Is it the fumes of F-350s? Is it effluvium of the Brazos?

  19. Kossack

    Yay getting the stinky monkey off your back!

    Bein a foodie and a vegetarian to boot, you must know the imminently creative and non-moose recipe containing Moosewood Cookbook. A buddy recently introduced me to its famed carrot ginger soup, and we’ve been living off the stuff for months now. (At least, I think that’s where the recipe is from. I just cook some carrots, garlic, and ginger, and throw them in the blender with some salt and the cooking water.)

    But also, you do realize chocolate is a vegetable?

  20. Carolyn

    Re the smoking thing–that happened to my mom too. As far as I know she’s still quit. Am just printing off the Liquid Sanctimony for my shopping list–readers, please keep the sanctimonious recipes coming!

  21. Scott

    Jill, I freaking *love* you. It is too bad that by birth I drew the card of the Y chromosome and therefore benefit from the patriarchy by that simple fact, because I love your blog and your voice and I am so scared every time you post about your cancer, because I want your voice to keep on ringing, and it would be a fucking tragedy to humankind if your voice were silenced. Thank you for everything you’ve done, not the least of which is showing me how persistent, pervasive, and pernicious the patriarchy is. That’s right: the 3 P’s of hegemenony, right there. And a 4th for the patriarchy that rules them all.

  22. kristyn

    Dear Jill,

    While this is a comment that technically begins with ”I,” I am glad you are still among the quick, and hope for both selfish and nonselfish reasons that you stay this way.

    I still smoke, sometimes, but only because I have a death wish. Thank/blame the P. Also, on behalf of myself and other human beings who additionally have the difficult-to-kick-in-that-it-doesn’t-have-a-good-drug habit of anorexia, how can we enjoy the benefits of Sanctimonious Smoothie without sliding down the slippery slope of self-starvation?

    Also, today is my birthday, a day which I seriously would have not reached were it not for you and the blametariat.

    Yours in gratitude,

    - miss kristyn joy

  23. Uccellina

    You are a most excellent spinster aunt, and it is a positive boon to blamerkind that you are yet among the tapdancing masses. May you remain so for a long, long, long, long time to come.

  24. minervaK

    Ah, yes. The Phantom Near-Death Experience. We would all still be smoking were it not for its power. Good on you for chucking the stinky coffin nails once and for all.

    On the other stuff, I have it on completely fabricated authority that not only do M&Ms not cause cancer, they actually make post-cancer life more bearable, as do tater tots. In reasonable quantities, I’m talking. You’ve been through hell — let yourself have a piece of cake once in a while.

    The green slime looks positively nuclear. Does it make you glow?

  25. B. Dagger Lee

    Jill, I’m glad to hear you’re taking this “health” thing seriously, especially as I gather from another thread that you’ve been “too hurt to forgive.” Go ahead and be an “oddball.” Recently, I threw in the towel and joined the punctuation “crazies.” Change is everywhere.

    VEGANOMICON!

    BDL

  26. Lisa J.

    From a very long-time lurker, hooray, hooray, hooray, Jill, and thank you for all the lobe-splitting insight and patriachy blaming joy you spread. You are de-tox for my soul. Sanctimony, liquid green or otherwise, is an under-rated weapon against addictions I think, now that you’ve made me think about it. With deepest gratitude, Lisa

  27. speedbudget

    The only recipes I have are for linguine vongole and strawberry mojitos. I don’t know if either would pass the sanctimony test, but I make the mojitos with home-grown strawberries and mint.

  28. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    A good friend gifted me with a VitaMix two Christmases ago. I’ve yet to take the honkin’ thing out of the box.

    Liquid Sanctimony seems like a lotta work. When you’re in a rush (horses to rescue, rattlesnakes to charm, porcupine quills to remove from canine snouts, etc.), try Kyo-Green. Its appearance will cause the upper lips of those around you to ripple in disgust because they will think you are drinking a green mud-puddle. I suppose you could try mixing it with your afternoon margarita, but I don’t recommend it.

    Big congrats on the smoking. Wish I could follow in your auntly footsteps in the matter of exercise.

  29. agasaya

    Shelby: It’s not brainwashing –

    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1120774/

  30. Comrade PhysioProf

    That liquified green shit looks fucking nasty.

  31. K

    My comment from last night is gone! Is it because I used text-speak? Sorry if so.

    All morning I have been thinking, “Set your VitaMix on ‘stun’,” and laughing.

  32. mayya

    Congratulations on the quitting. Having been there myself, I know how incredibly difficult it is. Kicking heroin gets all the attention and glamor, but kicking nicotine is just as hard.

  33. Tehomet

    @mayya: You’re quite right. In fact, I know people who’ve managed to give up alcohol and heroin, but haven’t managed to quit the smokes.

    Fantastic post, hilarious recipe. Many congratulations on the smoking cessation and best wishes for your continued glowing health.

  34. yttik

    I’m chuckling here. There are many sanctimonious things to eat that are quite enjoyable. Ginger root, garlic and olive oil are my three favorites. Having some gadget that chops vegies up for you makes soups and stir fries easy. I’ve also discovered that I actually prefer salsa to chocolate. If you have a chopping gadget, tomatoes, onions, garlic, and lemon makes salsa quick. Leek soup is my latest favorite. Leeks, celery, garlic, ginger, olive oil in a pan for a couple minutes, then a cup of stock and at the end a cup of milk.

    An ice cream maker can be great fun. You can puree some fruit and yogurt and have a nice treat. Banana’s, tofu, and orange juice blended up and frozen is pretty good too.

    I don’t actually “cook,” cook. No slaving over a hot stove or making tortillas by hand. Whatever it is, it better go in the blender or food processor, the stove or freezer, and be ready in 15 minutes.

  35. buttercup

    Jill, congratulations on the quit. It gets easier, just don’t tell yourself “just one” or “just a puff”. My last cigarette was January 11th of 2006 so I know whereof I speak and my habit was a 1.5 to 2 pack a day monkey. We won’t discuss my knitting habit.

    And your smoothie recipe was hilarious. Everyone knows Kale and Tangerines cancel each other out.

  36. k8

    Adding vodka to the Liquid Sanctimony would make it go down better.

  37. Saphire

    Hugs Jill. Someone to admire in more ways than one!

  38. Jezebella

    Sure, it’s Sanctimonious, but how does it taste?

  39. Narya

    The Moosewood Low-Fat Cookbook is one of the best fucking cookbooks on the planet. (I have several other Moosewood cookbooks as well, and love ‘em all, but that one rocks.)

  40. Jill

    “Anyway, those Vitamix gizmos are the most excellent-seeming of gizmos, but how does a gal manage to afford one of those?”

    I specify the VitaMix (I use a commercial VitaPrep 3) because it can liquefy a mesquite tree; Liquid Sanctimony would be too time-consuming to prepare without it. If you’re using a regular blender, you have to grate and chop everything first, and seed the apple, and peel the lemon, and do it in batches, and even then the nuts and the cacao won’t emuslify right. Sanctimony doesn’t come cheap, unfortunately. I suggest eBay or Craigslist. I’m told the Blendtec is comparable and a little cheaper. The 3 horsepower engine is the key.

    “I will make him taste [Liquid Sanctimony].”

    I think I forgot to mention that it tastes like crap.

    “Do you peel the tangerines first?”

    Yes. You could maybe throw in some of the peel, but it gets a little bitter. Of course, the worse it tastes, the more sanctimonious you get to feel!

    “The green slime looks positively nuclear. Does it make you glow?”

    Yes! With self-righteousness!

    “Kicking heroin gets all the attention and glamor, but kicking nicotine is just as hard.”

    Some say nicotine is even more addictive than heroin. Anecdotally, I can back that up. I’ve done heroin and I’ve done nicotine, and I only got addicted to one of’em. See, there are these chemicals in the brain called ‘neurotransmitters’…

  41. Notorious Ph.D.

    You know what finally helped me quit smoking? Intravenous morphine. Really took the edge off.

    Remember when cigarette companies maintained that cigarettes weren’t actually addictive? Well, when it takes an opiate to get past the first three days of cravings, that’s some serious monkey you’ve got on your back.

  42. Cranky Old Coot

    I am so happy about your cancer report.And the smoking progress is just as good.

    Where can I get a 400 lb bag of peanut m&m’s?

  43. Sarah

    “…on behalf of myself and other human beings who additionally have the difficult-to-kick-in-that-it-doesn’t-have-a-good-drug habit of anorexia, how can we enjoy the benefits of Sanctimonious Smoothie without sliding down the slippery slope of self-starvation?”

    Thank you for that, Kristyn. It seems like one should approach Liquid Sanctimony as one would approach any other healthy-designed-to-detoxify-and/or-beautify-you beverage or diet plan. Just make sure you’re doing it for the absolute right reasons, or don’t do it at all.

  44. rowmyboat

    Hmm, Liquid Sanctimony? Can I make a salad with half of it, and a fruit smoothie with the rest? Perhaps not as sanctimonious, but it’ll probably go down easier.

  45. yttik

    “See, there are these chemicals in the brain called ‘neurotransmitters’…”

    Ha! Indeed, but they must be fed something more enjoyable then green sludge. Sanctimony will temporarily startle them into submission, but for long term peace with the neurotransmitters, eating something actually pleasurable will be required.

    Unless you’ve acquired a taste for the green stuff, which is quite possible?? Many people actually desire the taste of fermented grape juice, rotted cabbage, or milk so spoiled and full of bacteria it becomes a solid. There’s just no accounting for taste these days.

  46. DD

    I,too, had a real hard time with the random cig cravings, so I took slow, deep breaths, and the cravings vanished after about 10 seconds. Plus, I started taking Sam-E from the health food store – fantastic product!! It went directly to my ADD brain-center, and made me much calmer and, truly, happier. Of course, it’s essential to avoid places and people who smoke for awhile. While I’ve lost many of my smoking friends, I feel sooo much better, and don’t even think about cigs anymore. Good luck!

  47. Jill

    Liquid Sanctimony isn’t really a low-calorie drink, it’s just a way to ingest a bunch of non-processed, naturally-occurring nutrients all at once without having to think or cook or chew. Or take vitamins. I bet there’s at least 600-700 (No. 1 quality!) calories in it, probably more. I suppose you could starve on it if that’s all you ate all day, though. Always augment health food with some form of pizza or lasagne, that’s my motto.

  48. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    The rumpus such a beverage might raise within my lower intestinal tract gives me pause.

  49. Linda Atkins

    “Next, I invented Aunt Food.” :-) Well, not to get sappy, but I’m so glad you’re fine and I’m sending a hug and a little kiss on the cheek from San Francisco.

  50. Comrade PhysioProf

    See, there are these chemicals in the brain called ‘neurotransmitters’…

    Twistsplanation! FTW!

  51. Jezebella

    That’s a whackadoo crazy expensive blender, yo!

  52. Jill

    But you should see it emulse! It brings a tear to the eye.

  53. roland

    “I spent an hour in the can doing what you do when you have just found out you’re not going to die after all ”

    What does one do?

  54. Jennifer

    http://dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com/2010/02/future-of-butch-genocide.html

  55. Anna Belle

    Gall-darnit. I was just on the verge of giving up cigarettes after 27 years, but I have to give up peanut M&Ms too? And consume freakin’ raw food concoctions? Seriously? Feck. Feckity-feck-feck.

    On the upside, I’m super glad to hear you oiled out at the last minute. T’would suck to live without you in this world.

  56. janna

    Not to mention that the M&Ms in the commercials are 1) gendered, and 2) even the female M&M is a sexbot. It’s chocolate candy covered in a shell, people! Jeez.

  57. pheenobarbidoll

    It’s fucking *delicious* chocolate candy in a shell. The commercial with the red one scootin his butt across the scanner still makes me laugh though. His butt squeaks.

    And that green stuff? Looks like it came out the ass end of a dog. Your sanctimony is clearly superior to mine, cuz I couldn’t drink that.

  58. Jill

    “Your sanctimony is clearly superior to mine”

    Damn straight it is. And don’t you forget it.

  59. Virginia S. Wood, Psy.D.

    I am so grateful that it turned out to be a miss on the dying thing.

    And may I add my congrats on quitting smoking? Seriously, the only thing harder to quit is crack.

  60. Summerspeaker

    That smoothie looks delicious, though I doubt I’d have the patience to combine so many ingredients. I’m glad you’re still alive.

  61. Larkspur

    I house-sat once at a place in which serious professional VitaMixing occurs daily. They are very nice (and awesomely healthy) people, and they invited me to use the machine – they even left the instructions out for me.

    So I super-emulsed something with far fewer but still genuinely wholesome ingredients than what’s in your Mojigatería Líquido, and it still turned out greenish sludge and it just tasted wrong.

    But boy whoa, that machine really is wormhole-capable.

    I think I will take your list of ingredients, and (except for the coconut butter, which I will apply to my feet) I will eat them one by one, chewing assiduously, much as the Pilgrims might have done.

  62. Lara

    Good for you for quitting smoking! My whole family chain smoked for years and it really took a toll on them, but they all worked together to quite about ten years ago.
    It is amazing how differently one feels when eating fresh, unprocessed, healthy food too. You have so much more energy, and you feel happier. But yeah, there is the gas…

  63. Jill

    But the coconut butter is the best part! I was about to amend the recipe to double the portion.

  64. Kiuku

    great news!

    That drink actually sounds like it tastes really good. Where do you get edible coconut butter?

  65. Frumious B.

    Why does it have to be liquified? Most of that stuff would make a couple of yummy meals if combined wisely. I’d rather have yummy than sanctimonious.

  66. SKM

    Where do you get edible coconut butter?

    The most coconutty-tasting I have found is from Nature’s way. I get mine at iHerb dot com, but they may have it elsewhere.

  67. Rugosa

    Good for you, Jill, that the cancer is still beaten back. Hope it stays that way for a long, long time.

    But the Liquid Sanctimony – yech, sounds too much like doing penance for me. I’d go with Frumious B’s suggestion and just make a couple of delicious, healthy meals with the ingredients.

    Just as an aside, I remember when the local “health food” stores carried good ol’ Hain’s coconut oil in the cooking/salad oil section. I never cooked with it, but boy was it great for dry skin.

  68. nails

    I quit about two years ago. I used gum. It starts to get goooooood at like day 2. I smoked a ton though. You only a few here and there smokers are a different breed, I did like a pack and a half and bought wides all the time.

    My sense of smell never really recovered, but its beneficial when you work at a hospital.

    I remember when I lived in a really crap neighborhood in Denver, some snooty jogger lady in a car that was way too nice was buying designer water at 711 when I was picking up some cigarettes. She said “don’t buy those, they are bad for you” without any prompting from me. Annoying parental style stranger intervention like that and The Truth commercials (where people complete stupid stunts and pretend that other companies are less evil somehow) kept me from quitting smoking for a long time. If I recall correctly, that the taxing and PSA anti smoking programs only cause people who can afford it anyway to quit smoking.

  69. Jill

    I get mine at Whole Foods. Brand name Artisana Raw Organic Coconut Butter. It’s just a jar of coconut, mang is it good. I just don’t have the chops to wrestle whole coconuts.

  70. Jill

    Omigod, Nails, the extent of my addiction to cigarettes is inadequately conveyed by my description of the 4-a-day habit. For 25 years I smoked 2 packs of Marlboro reds every 18 hours. I spent 10 of those years wearing nic patches at the same time. Even when I got cancer I couldn’t quit. That I was able to winnow it down to 4 a day (with occasional binges) was astonishing to me, but my oncologist was not impressed.

  71. goblinbee

    In my drug and alcohol addiction counseling classes last year, all the addicts in the room (I was one of only a handful of “normies”) said nicotine was THE hardest addiction to break — not second to crack; second to NONE.

    I had enough second-hand smoke as a kid to last a lifetime–my dad was a 3-packs-a-day smoker. The guy never did NOT have a cigarette in his mouth. He did stop for 16 years once (!), but when he turned 80 he was right back at it. Crikey!

  72. Suzz

    Thanks very much to you both, Jill and Goblinbee, for your advice on VitaMix procurement. I’ve been cruisin’ the Craigslist and it has brightened my heart.

    A thing that also brightened my heart was a big ol’ mug of the best fresh, frothy juice I’ve ever had. Not quite as sanctimonious as it could be, but oodles of delicious and beautiful to boot: carrot, beet, apple, lemon, ginger. It’s called “Love Juice” at a little vegan sandwich place in New Brunswick, and by extrapolation it defines “Love” in the best possible way that it could be defined. !!

  73. Sarah Harman

    Glad you’re ok.

  74. slashy

    I like to do the warped dance between self-righteousness and self-loathing that is enjoying a sanctimony smoothie with a morning cigarette. At some point the balance will swing towards sanctimony, I & my chances for a long-ish stint on the planet will hope.

    Glad you’re OK. I like to add a chunk of beetroot to my sanctimony smoothies- the ginger is adequate to balance out the dirt flavour of beet, and holy shit that stuff is good for you. Plus it turns the green slush of sanctimony into something reddish and gory and glorious to behold!

  75. Martha Maus

    All the best with the cure, Jill. You know you can stay the course, because you know there are molecules in the brain called neurotransmitters…

  76. Jill

    “I’d go with Frumious B’s suggestion and just make a couple of delicious, healthy meals with the ingredients. ”

    That’s the logical response because who wants vegetarian soylent green for breakfast? But the reality is, are ya really gonna eat raw spinach and kale and collards and beets and broccoli every day? Well, maybe you are, but I’m sure not. Best to just drink it down and get on with the day.

    It becomes less like penance the longer I do it, too. I’ve started to actually look forward to it. Also it’s never the same twice because I never have all the same junk in the fridge. An unexpected side effect: I’ve begun to lose my taste for sugary stuff. Yesterday my niece gave me one of those milk chocolate bunnies wrapped in foil, and demanded that I eat it. After a couple of bites it was just too much.

  77. Narya

    I quit a 2-3 pack/day habit 20+ years ago, and became friends w/ the woman who ran the stop smoking group (which was surprisingly helpful to me, even though I am profoundly NOT a group-joiner), and, after more than 25 years in the business, she, too, will attest that it’s the hardest addiction to break. I’ve worked w/ junkies & alcoholics, and I think part of the reason cigs are so hard–in addition to the chemicals called neurotransmitters–is that people who quit other drugs typically have reached a point in their lives where their drug/alcohol use has completed fucked up their lives. Cigs don’t quite do it that way, so the choice is rarely so stark-appearing. Except in your latest episode, which YAY!!!!

    It’s a brutally difficult habit to kick, so good on you.

  78. Liza

    Ah Jill. I do miss and love you. Hang in there. And congrats on quitting. A little sanctimony never hurt anyone.

  79. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    One more thing, then I promise to shut my pie-hole. For now.

    Quitting smoking is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But also the thing that has made me feel better the most, long-term. I quit in ’92 after 20+ years of a 2.5-pack a day habit. Friends and blamers, let me tell ya, I suffered. If you’ve seen the Chantix adverts, they tell you that using the drug can make you mean, psychotic, and suicidal. I quit way before Chantix, and I experienced these symptoms without it.

    I sweated the cold sweats and shivered the hot shivers. I barfed like a roman candle. I took bubble-baths until I resembled an albino prune. I walked the soles off 2 pair of Reeboks. My bowels uproared, working overtime or not at all by turns. I accused my mother of trying to kill me. Fits of unexplained rage and/or weeping overtook me. The memory of the withdrawal symptoms, which lasted about 3 months (lessening as the time passed), keep me from ever picking up another cigarette.

    The longer I didn’t smoke, the better I felt, to such a degree that I wondered what damage I’d been doing to myself all those years. And there is nothing else which confers greater sanctimony.

  80. Carpenter

    You might wanna consider breaking your smoothy into a fruit part and a veggie part. I’ve always been a fan of all veggie drinks, especially if they don’t contain tomato-doing tomato wrong results in a drink that tastes like a thin jar of Ragu. It always seems like a mismatch when people insist on mixing sweet and savory in healthy drinks, like people dump in all the stuff they can think of just because it is healthy with disasterous taste consequences.

    Once I drank a smoothy that contained both spinach and apples fresh fennel, and though apples and fennel and spinach both individually taste good and are god for you, the mix was intolerable.

    Seems like if you did all the leafy greens, plus the ginger parsley, celery, carrot , and cabbage then added some beets it would be quite tasty, though not quite as sanctimonious.

  81. Jill

    “You might wanna consider breaking your smoothy into a fruit part and a veggie part.”

    But then I’d have to make 2 of’em.

  82. Greenconsciousness

    wow

  83. Dilly

    Twisty, that list of ingredients is like a raw smoothie parody. You can bet your sweet ass I’m gonna try it though. Of course, I’ll have to wait until summer, so that I can obtain produce that is “seasonal and local.”

  84. Carpenter

    True,
    Hippie food has burned me so many times I cant stand stand to see too much health in one place I guess.

  85. Occasional lurker

    Late to this thread, but wanted to tell you that the recipe for Liquid Sanctimony, and the name, had me ROFLMAO.

    Thank you, and long may you blame.

  86. woland

    Second k8′s vodka suggestion.

    I recently unexpectedly tested negative for the BRCA mutation that cut down the previous generation of women in my family. Since I always assumed I’d die of some horrible cancer and/or prophylactically amputate various body parts while relatively young, I’ve perhaps not taken care of myself in the way I could have. Now I have to think of pesky things like retirement savings and healthy eating. I think I’ll start with the sanctimony (but it’s important to do everything in moderation. I’m still spiking the thing with bourbon if it’ll make it more palatable.)

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