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Jun 12 2010

“Women withhold sex because men let them get away with it”

Feel like puking? Check out this crusty scab of human hatred from the Fox News website, a men’s advice column entitled “Reasons Women Withhold Sex.”

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “why would I feel like puking?” Or possibly, “why would anyone bother writing a men’s advice column entitled ‘Reasons Women Withhold Sex’ when the answer, so obvious to anyone with half a grip, is ‘because sex with you sucks’?”

But apparently men need to hear something other than the truth. Enter men’s advice-ist Sarah Stefanson. Rarely has so puke-a-riffic an example of the acculturation of sexist male entitlement been seen in this, or any other, galaxy.

I would call Sarah Stefanson a lousy turncoat collaborating suck-up shitbag, but I don’t want to jump to conclusions. There’s always the possibility that she was forced against her will to scrawl this feces-stain on the knickers of human achievement. Forced, perhaps, by some asshole who literally held a gun to her head, threatening to kneecap her 80-year-old grandma and foreclose on her 9-acre dirt farm, send a shipment of tainted vaccines to blind orphans in Bangladesh, and drown a sackful of kittens in a pond of toxic run-off. That has to be the scenario, because otherwise I’d be forced to contemplate that there actually exists a woman so degraded, so corrupt, so sociopathic, or so desperate that she would willingly turn out this kind of unremitting, lobe-scorching dudebro misogyny for the pitiful sum of 10 cents a word.

But I digress.

Sarah Stefanson’s hate speech addresses a dudely audience, and begins, I am sorry to say, like this:

One of the benefits of being in a long-term relationship is that you have someone that you can readily depend on for regular sex.

But uh-oh. Dude’s dependable meatsock may not be feelin’ it. She may even be “withholding” it. This suggests that the benefits of which Sarah Stefanson speaks so glowingly might be experienced by the party of the second part as unpleasantness. Hence her tips on how to manipulate your sex-woman and “get the carnal door open again” (Jaysus, 10 cents a word for that? Kill me now).

Observes Stefanson, “if there’s one area of a relationship women think they have control over, it’s sex.” But don’t buy it, men!

In the wild world of men’s advice columny, “purposefully withholding” sex is universally understood as a wholly nefarious, cruel, and mystifying method of female retribution. That’s because sex is a commodity to which men are entitled by the Global Accords Governing Fair Use of Women. Women are the sex class. If the flow of access is interrupted, the natural order is out of whack, and your sex-woman needs to be reset. But hey, chillax, bra! Stefanson’s column addresses the painful question “what can a suffering dude do when his receptacle is ‘purposefully withholding’ sex?”

In answering the question, Sarah Stefanson, with whom I begin to grow increasingly annoyed, leaves no tired old war-between-the-sexes cliché unturned. Women who “close up shop” (yes, really) are manipulative, out to prove who’s boss, cheating, or “playing games.” If they’re too tired to fuck, men are urged to poke them with sticks. If none of the tactics listed sufficiently cajoles them, “you might have to wait it out and service yourself until she comes to her senses.” But ultimately, Sarah Stefanson opines, women withhold sex “because men let them get away with it.” So man up, you spineless fairy, and take what’s yours.

Stefanson’s article is a stupid lowbrow clump of oppression-culture condensation, and doesn’t really merit a full-on paragraph-by-paragraph analysis, but it’s worth pointing out that it was filed on a major news website under “Men’s Health,” where it is accepted, uncritically and without analysis, that women are an underclass with so little agency that sexual manipulation is their only recourse.

Puke.

[Thanks, PhioGistic]

94 comments

  1. Ashley

    I extra-love how the article suggests that the woman is suffering from a sense of powerlessness “at work” or with a “domineering best friend” or “overprotective mother.” Because who else could possibly be manipulating or coercing her to do things she is purposefully resisting doing, therefore resulting in a sense of powerlessness?

    Fucking incredible.

  2. Cyberwulf

    I like the advice given under “She’s bored” – your woman probably isn’t enjoying sex, so take her to a sex shop or suggest something kinky. Don’t, you know, ask HER how she feels or what she likes. After all, the only reason she hasn’t said it to you is because she’s shy, and not at all because you throw a strop if she doesn’t assure you that you’re the greatest lover ever.

  3. Gayle

    She left some items off her list:

    Once the little lady got to know you, she came to realize you’re not all that.

    After picking your filthy underwear and socks up off the floor for the zillionth time, she now thinks of you as one of her children.

    The stench of your nightly scotch intake is kinda revolting.

    She found your porn stash and now knows what arouses you(shivers).

    Constantly nagging her to “give up the goodies” is something of a turn off.

    Frankly my dear, you’ve let yourself go.

  4. sargassosea

    “So man up, you spineless fairy, and take what’s yours.”

    I love [hate] the smell of Rape Culture in the morning.

  5. jaded

    So if I’m to go by Sarah Stefanson’s words, I’m a clusterfucketty entity, property of my boyfriend forever and for always? Huh. She should write Disney movies.

    Puke — Right on.

  6. hero

    Projectile puke. On his face, because body-fluid-in-yer-face projectiling is sexay. Let’s film it, in sevety-eight takes.

    Did you see the other links on that page? How many many many many of them were: women are supposed to be fucking you and they aren’t: How To Fix This Problem.

    Can half the “human” race EVER learn the FIRST thing about how their penis is not the center of the universe?

    Doubting it. Looking for chemical oblivion.

  7. rootlesscosmo

    sargassosea catches the unmistakable whiff: the article is an injunction to Go Forth (or just turn over in bed) and Rape. Which raises the possibility that, rather than being a woman with a pistol to her head or just an unprincipled hack, “Sarah Stefanson” is the pen name of a male writer.

  8. CaroJ

    It must be true! After all, Fox is “fair and balanced.” I’m sure they don’t hate women anymore than they hate men.

  9. slythwolf

    Reasons women “withhold” sex from you (where you = any given dude):

    - you’re bad at it
    - you’re an asshole
    - trick question: they don’t, because “withhold” connotes a commodity possessed by one party and owed to a second (as in “withhold rent”); sex is not a commodity, and women do not owe it to you

  10. Sylvie

    Who would want sex with someone who didn’t want sex with them? Surely the absence of desire in either person is the end of the matter.

  11. WendyAM

    I love you. If I hadn’t already spent a year in Brewster County, thus discovering my unsuitability to the Texas climate, I would be your stalker.

    Why can’t men understand that if your sex-woman doesn’t want to have sex with you, then sex with you must suck. The best way to ensure a constant supply of sex from your sex-woman is to make it good sex (for both people.)

    It really is just that simple.*

    * Well, maybe not simple if you’re a selfish dudebro and don’t know how to have sex WITH someone for mutual enjoyment and fun.

  12. ew_nc

    It seems that women who affiliate themselves with Fox anything have chosen to exist in the patriarchy by becoming its complete toadie. Assuming, of course, that Sarah Stefanson is a woman and not a dude using that as a pen name.
    A dude who feels like he isn’t “getting enough” from his partner, and who thinks that coercion and shame are pretty darn hot.

    Effin’ rape culture.

  13. liberality

    Right on Slythwolf! sex is not a commodity, and women do not owe it to you

  14. thebewilderness

    If the uppity woman won’t service you, poor thing, you have two choices. Either rape her into submission or service yourself until she comes to her senses and submits to servicing you.

    She either drew the short straw and was required to take her turn at recycling one of the fifty million advice columns languishing in every newspaper archive in the country or “Sarah Stefanson ” is a nom de plume for a wanker boy.

    It has been my observation that most “relationship” advice published by journamalists has a very high probability of bringing the relationship to an abrupt end, if the advice is taken.

  15. shopstewardess

    According to the article, men apparently don’t have the option of not having sex, because it’s a matter of men’s health that they have sex whenever they want it. Even if their only options for having sex are rape or self-service, rape being presented as preferable to self-service.

    I think the fact that this crap is published under the heading “Men’s Health” is quite possibly the worst thing about it, because it shows quite clearly that a man’s entitlement to sex with a woman is not just the words of one woman, but part of the culture of the publishing organisation.

    Perhaps if enough of a stink is made they could put a rebuttal up under the heading “Women’s Health”.

  16. Jill

    The possibility that Sarah Stefanson is a dude had crossed my mind, so I looked her up. Other articles written by Sarah Stefanson have to do with vegetarian cooking, the causes of blisters, celebrity biography, “The Cast of Buffy: Where Are They Now?” etc. She begins to look more like a clueless hack than an evil dude, but evil dudes can also be clueless hacks, so whatever. The main thing is that article is fucking awful.

  17. Helen Huntingdon

    The “because men let them get away with it” was a pretty clear instruction that if you’re a real man, you’ll rape her whenever you want.

    I burst out laughing when I read the bit about if she’s too tired, give her a massage. No, you dim bulb, that’ll just make her sleepy. If it really is just fatigue that has killed her sex drive, the only fix is for you to get off your lazy ass and pull your own weight. Of course, it does no good whatsoever to tell men that, in my experience. They want to hear there is a simple button they can press to get sex, and suggesting they actually resolve their marital issues only gets enraged ranting.

    Gee, I wonder why I never married.

  18. Jill

    ““withhold” connotes a commodity possessed by one party and owed to a second (as in “withhold rent”); sex is not a commodity, and women do not owe it to you

    Well, I agree that it shouldn’t be, but the truth is that in our culture sex certainly is a commodity, and women do owe it to men. This state of affairs is but one of the many social ills completely solve-able by revolution!

  19. June

    You can’t comment or even rate that article.

  20. shopstewardess

    Copy of email I have just sent to yourcomments@foxnews.com

    “Dear Fox News Website

    I have just seen the article published on Friday 11 June 2010 under the heading “Men’s Health” and titled “Reasons Women Withhold Sex”.

    In the interests of fair and balanced reporting, will you be publishing an equivalent article under the heading “Women’s Health”, entitled “Reasons Men Rape and Batter Women and How to Avoid This”?

    Regards”

  21. June

    shopstewardess: get them to publish it under men’s health too.

  22. Lady K

    Chunks were blown by the first line – really, Sarah Stefanson? THAT’s what a long-term relationship is for? I had no idea! One of the benefits of having a plumber is that I can readily depend on them for regular shitter-maintainence, but I never considered a romantic relationship to be on-par with this shit-focused economic arrangement. Instead of believing that a long-term het relationship should be a loving, caring arrangement where, if you’re both jivin’ on good sexy vibes and have fully established that fact, you get down to some pronging, I guess it’s really just an exchange of favors that goes on indefinitely.

    In other news, do we really still live in a world where two fully-grown adults in a committed, loving relationship express their problems by “withholding” sex/affection/steak sandwiches instead of, I dunno, walking up to this person they have chained their life to and saying “Hi I’m angry, here’s why”? I thought society got over that shit in the 90s.

  23. Jezebella

    Lady K, the short answer is YES, we still do live in that world. Alas.

  24. phio gistic

    Fox News seems to have syndicated the article from that bastion of good sense, askmen.com – apparently Sarah Stefanson is their “Sex Education Correspondent Every Monday”

    You can leave feedback on the original article here:

    http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_400/471_reasons-women-withhold-sex.html

    Other recent askmen hits include “Get Her To Watch Porn” (“she may need some convincing that not all porn is pathetic and disgusting” and “Get her to watch porn without even asking her to…”) and “Breaking Up With A Psycho” (“The average man will date at least one psychotic female during his lifetime”)

    Weirdly enough, every one of these articles have female bylines.

  25. Comrade PhysioProf

    This line from Stefanson’s profile is very interesting:

    She focuses mainly on lifestyle content, but has written about subjects as disparate as funerals and fashion.

    Seems to me that funerals and fashion are actually not at all disparate subjects, but are very closely related.

  26. nails

    I know why she wrote that. It is because there is a market for it. Women who write misogynist opinion pieces are the darling of many media companies, and misogynist dudes everywhere. Journalism rewards dishonesty to begin with (if you are telling the right lies), and she is getting ahead in the one area where women can. If things were fair to women in the media she would probably be telling lies about a different subject.

    I have seen it a million times in real life. Woman A sees something sexist and points it out to a group. One of the women in the group makes a point of always being the one to go “I don’t think that it is sexist”, and the men use her as proof that Woman A is just crazy. I have seen the one anti-feminist woman being counted as proof against the accusations of multiple women. They get a crumb of something from men in return (praise, or in the case of the journalist, a career that sexist would otherwise limit). Most people are ignorant enough of feminism for this to cause actual confusion for people subjected to the tactic.

  27. roesmoker

    One of the benefits of having a plumber is that I can readily depend on them for regular shitter-maintainence, but I never considered a romantic relationship to be on-par with this shit-focused economic arrangement.

    Ha! Replace the “shit” in “shit-focused” with “rape” and you have the heteronormative standard marriage.

  28. roesmoker

    Oops, tried to quote and failed. 1st para is Lady K’s.

  29. wiggles

    Has the MSM just been recycling the same relationship advice articles since the 1890s? It would seem so.

    Remember that “Good Wife’s Guide” from the 1950s floating around the internet a couple years ago and how that was supposed to have been a hoax? I think the intent of creating the hoax was to make a case for how far we’ve come as a society, with bonus make-me-a-sammich brand oppression hilarity. General ‘net commentary upon revelation of the hoax was that women never really had it all that bad.
    The truth is not much has really changed. It’s just that few people have the audacity to throw in a line about how a good woman “knows her place,” which would have been overkill in a 1950s wifely advice guide too.

    http://www.snopes.com/language/document/goodwife.asp

  30. janicen

    As I was reading the article, I did not puke but I almost cried, and I wondered if Stefanson could be prosecuted for inciting rape?

  31. Summerspeaker

    This is virtually the same shit Voltairine de Cleyre spoke against back at the end of the nineteenth century. The whole idea of an arrangement in which people feel compelled into sex acts regardless of desire horrifies me. How can anyone not recognize traditional marriage as a manifestly oppressive institution?

    I also question this narrative that the only reason not to do sexual things on a constant basis is if the sex is bad. While surely lots of sex does suck, especially for women under the patriarchy, some folks just don’t feel like it that all often. After all, how frequently do you want to play the autoharp? The conception of intense sexual interest as the normal and natural human state can only cause harm.

  32. Saphire

    Women are always the problem in these collumns. The more essentialised, the better. We’re like a universally hated malfunction that needs to be fixed to be fucked. Makes you wonder whether dating advice has been instrumental throughout the ages in upholding the P. I’ve yet to read any that aren’t either telling women off and shaming them, or if aimed at men, telling them how great and misunderstood they are.

    I’d agree it’s sad how sociopathic some women can be when in pro-patriarchy mode. Some do it because they think sexism is a phase and try to conform with edge culture. But essentially, imo women really can be sociopathic anti-feminists. Patriarchy tools have basic brains vaguely aware of cheap rewards if they act up. It’s the innate evil in such women and the glee in not helping where they can.

    Don’t underestimate how evil *both sexes* can be, especially where conformity/ objectification is involved. Although men have everything to gain from all this evil, and are first to kick-start oppression if female tools decide to give it a rest. That’s the way I see it, as well as the survival/ reward aspect of being a turncoat tool.

  33. sargassosea

    “This state of affairs is but one of the many social ills completely solve-able by revolution!”

    Are you agitating for that silly *revolution* business again?!?

    Mang, I got other shit I gotta do…

  34. niki

    Ouch. Here is a partial band-aid of more women reacting to the ‘You owe me sex’ phenomenon:

    http://necolebitchie.com/2009/05/14/do-you-owe-him-sex

    Granted there are some women present who acquiesce to the stereotype of ‘$X spent = pussy’ but most of it is outrage, expressed with comedy.

    Global disbelief is out there ladies, we just have to organize!

  35. RKMK

    According to the internet, Ms. Stefanson is a major Twilight fan, which adds a layer of insight into her particular brand of patriarchal damage.

  36. allhellsloose

    Ah you know woebetide that they would have to masturbate. Like they never did it when they were teenagers? And liked it?

    And yes, they are happay with the same position, day in day out, and get all crappy when this becomes a chore/bore after 5 years, mulitple of five, thereafter.

    I much prefer orgasm avec moi and know guys who are similar. Sharing is…well sharing.

    As they say in Blighty ‘the silly season is upon us’. Puke indeed. Brilliant post.

  37. yttik

    “Rarely has so puke-a-riffic an example of the acculturation of sexist male entitlement been seen in this, or any other, galaxy.”

    That’s sarcasm, right? Because don’t deprive yourself of AskMen’s other fine emetics like, “Is bad Porn Possible?” or “The Five Types of Sperm Jackers.”

  38. Valerie

    Wow. That article could be a great advertisement for vibrators. If the 957 reasons before
    weren’t enough to convince, that will.
    And for the religious ladies out there, they could make one in the shape of Jesus.
    Then they could say, “Oh God” with confidence!

    Double cheese burger with relish puke.

  39. eilish

    I suspect this story is sponsored by the pharm company pimping Viagra for women.

  40. Stella

    “Yes, our masters! The earth is a prison, the marriage-bed is a cell, women are the prisoners, and you are the keepers!”

    Voltairine de Cleyre, “Sex Slavery”
    1890

    http://praxeology.net/VC-SS.htm

  41. Rachel

    Over a hundred years old and it still rings so true (and with such inspiring conviction)! Thanks Stella.

  42. Alexa

    Fox news giving out rape advice. Disgusting. Leave my vagina alone Sarah – why not put yourself in the first person. ‘My legs are too closed. I’M a manipulative bitch. When I am, have your way with me! Rape mee!’

    The sheer self- hatred Sarah. Not healthy!

  43. Pantsuit Sally

    shopstewardess, thanks for pointing that out. Apparently, men will die if they don’t get enough sex. It’s quite rage-inducing, especially considering how often articles about women’s genuine health issues are relegated to the lifestyle section.

    And of course, there is a lot of overlap between the “women owe men sex” brigade and the “women who have and enjoy sex are sluts” crowd. How typically hypocritical of the patriarchy. It’s always either that we need to put out more, or we need to protect our special lady gift from being abused by men. For these assholes, there’s no middle ground where sex is a mutually enjoyable activity involving two enthusiastically consenting adults.

  44. mearl

    Brilliant comments. This essay & the vomit-inducing article reminds me of something I read in “Details” magazine when I was 18: an article (by a female writer, who may have been the resident sex-advice writer, and whose pen name may or may not have been ‘Eurydice’). It was an article on how to convince your reluctant girlfriend to let you have anal sex with her. Because why would some dude simply take, “No, I’m not into that, it would hurt like hell, why don’t you let ME ram a cucumber up your ass for an hour or so every day for the next three months FIRST” for an answer?

    Sure, some people are fine with anal, but apparently ALL men have the right to experience their porneriffic fantasies involving the use and abuse of other people’s bodily integrity at least ONCE. Why respect their partner’s reasons for refusing? All it takes is some gentle convincing, a massage and tea afterward (I kid you not, these were a few of the recommendations).

    The tone of these articles (and their ubiquity) gives the impression that men should only play nice towards women if they expect to get something in return (sex, anal sex, steak sandwich, their socks washed, their manly egos pumped up, their offspring pumped out, favourable divorce settlements etc.). Any women not directly in their sightline of usage can be ignored, treated like crap, dismissed, tricked, discarded, humiliated, divorced, fired, left to die on the street. The idea that men should extend human decency towards women (in a relationship or otherwise) JUST BECAUSE IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO is not a popular topic in Dudebro media-land.

    Whereas women are exhorted to watch porn, act out porn, indulge dudely fantasies, wax and Vajazzle our business, lose weight, don’t DARE look older than 24, allow dudes to peen-prong us when we don’t feel like it, stuff ourselves into lingerie and heels, don’t be too needy (or psycho), don’t talk too much, and perform an ENDLESS list of self-micro-management tasks and for what? Our reward if we do all this is (drum roll) we get to KEEP THE DUDE AROUND. So he can pester us for the sex he feels entitled to.

  45. Denise

    In other news, do we really still live in a world where two fully-grown adults in a committed, loving relationship express their problems by “withholding” sex/affection/steak sandwiches instead of, I dunno, walking up to this person they have chained their life to and saying “Hi I’m angry, here’s why”? I thought society got over that shit in the 90s.

    Oh, that’s cute. So if someone is mad at their partner, they should give them sex, affection, and steak sandwiches regardless of whether the problem is resolved to that someone’s satisfaction? Believe it or not, talking about problems in a relationship does not then instantly resolve those problems or, even if apologies have been given and accepted, obligate the aggrieved party to want to bone immediately thereafter.

  46. Jill

    Denise, either you or I appear to have misapprehended the gist of the comment. I think it’s you.

  47. Sylvie

    The askmen site has an article about “convincing your girlfriend to do anal” which specifically advises not to take the porn version of this activity as the best way to do it due to the unpleasant effects on the woman involved. Mr “Is porn a bad thing” should be informed.

  48. Lullabee

    Obviously (some?) men are not human.

    See, the vagina is an internal organ.

    Human beings have internal organs, which they are protective of. They protect their internal organs by limiting access to them to situations where they have a good incentive to allow access.

    Human beings generally have a sense of empathy that at least extends as far as understanding that if they wouldn’t like a given situation, they shouldn’t make others experience that situation.

    See? Men aren’t always human.

  49. Helen

    Aargh. The article is an apologia for marital rape, as has already been pointed out on this thread.

  50. Comrade Svilova

    women are exhorted to watch porn, act out porn, indulge dudely fantasies, wax and Vajazzle our business, lose weight, don’t DARE look older than 24, allow dudes to peen-prong us when we don’t feel like it, stuff ourselves into lingerie and heels, don’t be too needy (or psycho), don’t talk too much, and perform an ENDLESS list of self-micro-management tasks and for what? Our reward if we do all this is (drum roll) we get to KEEP THE DUDE AROUND.

    And women are taught from a very young age that keeping the dude around is the highest and most important goal of their lives and we are trained within an inch of our lives to believe with all our hearts that we are not worthy of love. Thus we are supposed to be desperately happy if we are rewarded with the dude sticking around. Teen novels and movies are mostly about this. Sociopathy.

  51. virago

    Why my husband didn’t get sex:

    * Pre-mature ejaculation (minute rice took longer)
    * Husband was told by doctor that pre-mature ejaculation is correctable, but he thought it was “too much work” to do the necessary things to correct the problem.
    * Husband told me that was just the way things were, and I should “just live with it”.
    * Crying in the bathroom after sex because I FINALLY gave into his demands because I was sick of him hounding me.
    * Feeling angry, resentful, and disgusted having to clean the results of HIS ORGASM out of MY BODY when he couldn’t even last long enough to give me one.
    * Verbal and physical abuse that escalated the more I refused sex.
    * Constant accusations that I was having affairs because I wasn’t “interested in him anymore”.

    He was the first guy I slept with. Ironically, in the beginning of our marriage, I naively thought if we did it MORE the sex would get better. Boy, was I wrong. It just made me run away even more later on. I don’t know how many times I faked my period or an illness to get out of doing it. The only time I had an orgasm was when he wasn’t in the room. I had to masturbate by stealth because if he caught me doing it, he assumed I was horny and wanted to have sex with HIM. Yuck! Thank God, I got out of that marriage, and I had relationships with other men that showed me how good it really can be.

  52. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    Any dudebro who cannot accept “because I don’t want to” from his partner as a reason not to have sex is unworthy of the privilege. My advice? He should buy himself one a those creepy-ass dolls.

  53. Helen Huntingdon

    virago, a few years back I read a discussion thread that started with a dood carrying on about how his wife was refusing to have condomless sex anymore. Dood after dood weighed in, all vehemently agreeing that she must be in need of major psychiatric intervention. It was one of the most bizarre things I’d ever seen. The most basic knowledge of biochemistry of that area makes it obvious why her choice made sense, but one and all, the doodz were screaming OMG MAJOR MENTAL ILLNESS.

    And they wonder why I’d rather be alone.

  54. Katherine

    “You might be satisfied with angry, violent sex, but she wants to work out her angst before she jumps into bed.”

    For fucking serious???

    Transalation: You might be satisfied with raping her, but stupid, silly women don’t always like being raped.

    “If you suspect that she’s withholding sex to assert herself, the easiest way to get the carnal door open again is to compliment her sexual abilities and prowess.”

    Translation: If you suspect your woman-property is trying to make you see her as a human being, just do your very dude-best to placate her into accepting her role as your woman-property.

    “When no other methods of getting what she wants are working, she might resort to revoking your sex privileges until you agree to what she’s after.

    Translation: None required – she even used the word privilege. Ugh.

    “Women withhold sex because men let them get away with it. It’s pretty clear it’s the one thing that most guys can’t live without and that they’ll do pretty much anything to keep it coming on a regular basis.”

    The only things humans can’t live without are food, water, air, and shelter. Everything else is a fucking bonus. Will there ever be a day when everyone snaps the fuck out of it and stops thinking that women exist to be goddamn semen receptacles?

    If you really want to blow a lobe, try this one: http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-cruel-things-women-do-to-men_10.html

    I couldn’t make it past number 5.

  55. Jane Q Public

    Dudes, is your meatsock acting as more than receptacle these days? If so, then read this diagnostic article to see if you can’t get that pussy back in pronging mode pronto!

    I’ve long moved past the puke stage. I’m full on dry heaves.

    Retch.

  56. Virago

    “virago, a few years back I read a discussion thread that started with a dood carrying on about how his wife was refusing to have condomless sex anymore. Dood after dood weighed in, all vehemently agreeing that she must be in need of major psychiatric intervention.”

    Helen, I’ve heard the “frigid” comments, and how I should seek help due to my “low sex drive”. What a laugh! I certainly didn’t have any “problems” after I finally left that asshole. That said, I heard through the grapevine that he and his second wife went to a sex therapist. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why.

  57. Jezebella

    Yeah, it usually takes a second or third wife before a guy starts wondering if maybe it [whatever caused the divorce] wasn’t all wife number one’s “fault” after all.

  58. Saphire

    Why do men think all women care about is male attention and approval? Like we CARE about keeping shitheaded nobodies. Men write these things like they’re deities. You can only laugh: ‘You only keep me if you regularly have sex with me.’ I’d only be able to keep such a boar with a labotomy on my part.

    I read these advice collumns (more in my permanent role as radfem as opposed to a desperate single) in a state of wtf?! The author always desperately needs a reality check about the myriad obstacles women need to jump. To get an asshole we just click their fingers! It’s getting damn rid of them that’s usually the problem.

  59. redpeachmoon

    this is so depressing.. I can’t read the article. watching the ‘comedy’ channel (didn’t you call it ‘the misogyny channel’?) is getting worse and worse. the adolescent male porn fantasy world is the cultural standard. please tell us more about the revolution.

  60. virago

    “I couldn’t make it past number 5″

    What a blessing because it just got worse! Of course, #2 on that list was “withholding sex”. Ten cruel things women do my ass. Most of the stuff on that list has been “modus operandi” by men for centuries. As far as withholding sex goes, oh well, too bad. The average woman can get laid much faster and more often than the average guy even if she’s butt ugly. So, I really don’t consider this our problem, nor should we concern ourselves with it on behalf of the men :).

  61. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    Thanks, virago, you pretty much captured my reaction to the 10 Cruel Things. Getting laid is like finding a dime in the parking lot — any time you choose, you can go out and pick one up, if you happen to feel as if it’s worth the time/effort to do so.

  62. Roving Thundercloud

    Summerspeaker, thanks for this: “The conception of intense sexual interest as the normal and natural human state can only cause harm.”

    Even as a very young proto-blamer, I couldn’t understand the constant message that sex was so important. Even after I developed a pretty aggressive sex drive as a blamer-in-training, I couldn’t figure out why the entire planet seemed to revolve around sex. Most of the Real Life Women (and even most the Real Life Men) that I could observe and interact with didn’t seem to feel that way. This insistence that we can’t live without sex, that sex is the best way to sell anything, that everyone else is Doin’ It and if you’re not, you’re a worthless unlovable failure loser–it is literally killing people. People are jumping off of bridges, wasting their money on pickup schemes and diet drugs…it’s painful to watch.

    Now that I have my high blue belt in blaming, you know damned well who I blame!

  63. Hermionemone

    Roving Thundercloud lauds Summerspeaker for her observation: “The conception of intense sexual interest as the normal and natural human state can only cause harm.”
    and notes further “This insistence that we can’t live without sex, that sex is the best way to sell anything, that everyone else is Doin’ It and if you’re not, you’re a worthless unlovable failure loser–it is literally killing people. People are jumping off of bridges, wasting their money on pickup schemes and diet drugs…it’s painful to watch.”

    That is it exactly, RT. Modern life affords endless ways to derail the once finely-balanced neuro-chemical reward systems that (if you’ll pardon my talking like an evo-biologist) would once have guided human beings in their evolutionary adaptive environment, whether it be the African savanna or littoral coastline, etc. Human brains are susceptible to becoming addicted to whatever releases the endorphins that light up the reward centres of our brains: sex, drugs, adrenaline, power, dysfunctionally dependent relationships, food, pain, porn, prideful self-importance, communal self-righteousness, the rush of gambling, dancing, video games, etc. that are present and easily accessible in our messed-up civilization. (I’m partial to the dancing, myself!) Once you get hooked on one superabundant stimulus, it is easy to get more and more of it and let it take over your life, whereas in the ancestral environment no one could get enough of those things to get that far addicted, or if they did, they wouldn’t have left offspring.

    Those are our emotions, drives and motivations: chemical addictions to payoffs in brain hormones. Logical beings can forego some temptations knowing the path they lead to won’t be positive. Perhaps the healthy approach is to sample a variety of rewarding experiences without becoming obsessed with any. But we all can see that many out there, especially the beneficiaries and tools of the patriarchy, have fallen into one or more of the nasty behavioural addictions.

    Could it be said that the patriarchal system is set up to benefit from addicting its adherents to the sex, porn, power abuse that it facilitates, reaping their fanatical and illogical devotion to its defense?

  64. agasaya

    Could it be said that the patriarchal system is set up to benefit from addicting its adherents to the sex, porn, power abuse that it facilitates, reaping their fanatical and illogical devotion to its defense?

    The moneyed aristocracy, followed by the corporatocracy, benefits from patriarchal addiction to stupid stuff. Keeps them from questioning why they are spending so much time on stupid stuff instead of actually living.

    That leaves women to question it and that upsets corps and patriarchy. Low position on the scrotum pole (to steal a phrase from an acquaintance) which leads to more oppression.

  65. scatterplot

    All seriousness aside, thank you for the “knickers of human achievement.”

  66. L.Tolbert

    An interesting aside: in Western culture women apparently must be punished and/or cajoled into giving it up, but according to some Middle Eastern cultures if a man so much as experiences a single c**k twitch in the presence of a female she has to be punished for that.

  67. Jezebella

    You’ll find that’s also true in certain American cultures, generally of the fundamentalist Christian persuasion.

  68. Carlyn

    Maybe if you did not lower yourself to petty name calling and rude condesentions I could have stomached reading your response. But as you couldn’t compose a complete thought without a viscous verbal onslaught, I couldn’t. Maybe next time try using your adult words.

  69. joy

    Yes, Carlyn, because rape apologism/encouragement > humorous commentary.

    You’re on the wrong blog.

  70. Citizen Jane

    There is nothing wrong with the idea that sex is a need.

    The concept “Men need sex” is not the problem.

    The concept “Women must submit themselves in service to men’s needs for sex” is where the problem is.

    Vibrator sales are huge*, even in a recession. Apparently even when we live in an economy where women are struggling to afford food, plenty of them still scrounge up the cash to aid their masturbation. Clearly, women need sex, but that is not a problem for anyone because they take care of it without raping anybody. I get horny as hell at least once a day and I don’t always have a willing partner by my side, but somehow it hasn’t killed me. Even though I never raped anybody.

    The men described in the article are assholes not because they need sex, but because they feel entitled for someone else to satisfy that need. It could be assumed that those are the same men who feel entitled to have a woman do their laundry and cook their dinner. “Men need sex” isn’t any more of a problematic idea than “Men need their laundry done.” If they just do it their own damn selves, there is no problem.

    In short, there is nothing wrong with needing sex. But if you need sex and someone isn’t enthusiastically willing to have it with you, then take care of it your own damn self.

    Wow, I got through all of the above without saying “I”. That was hard. I feel all assertive now, so I’m going to have to go and run away like a scared bunny rabbit.

    *Please pardon the empowerful sexxxy picture in the link, or even better, use an image blocker when you use the web so you don’t have to see that kind of crap.

  71. ginger

    I think the viscous onslaught is what the condom is there to prevent.

  72. joy

    Well done, ginger.

    ‘Viscous onslaught.’ Hee hee.

  73. Sarah Stefanson

    http://ca.askmen.com/dating/heidi_400/426_how-to-deal-with-angry-feminists.html

  74. joy

    Oh, no. Not the angry feminists. What ever shall we do.

    (Lack of proper punctuation is purposeful.)

  75. Jill

    That’s funny, my experience has shown that the way men “deal with” feminists is to send them threatening emails about how the feminists wouldn’t be so angry if they weren’t so ugly nobody will fuck them, but the way things stand they are shrill bitchy cunts who totally deserve it when dudes from the Internet find out where they live and fuck them up.

  76. Alexa

    Aw vile Sarah Stefenson was upset we didn’t like her original puke-inducing, badly-written article.

    You call me an angry feminist and I couldn’t be more flattered. I picture a time when people actually take a stand against contempt of women and I’m up there with the angriest.

    P.s MRAs have been using those same quotes for decades, get a new hobby, you knobend Sarah. Only cos you know we don’t have the time to publish all the hateful, murderous things said about women by men. If we tried to quote misogynists, we’d have our work cut out for us see (a millenia’s worth) – we wouldn’t have to us the same tired quotes to illustrate misandry.

    Also I’m fairly sure it’s not man-haters men have a problem with. I could moan about men and I’d get a few laughs or groans. It’s actually feminism, that ‘equality’ you were talking about men have a problem with. So suck eggs.

  77. Citizen Jane

    I want to see a man beaten to a bloody pulp with a high-heel shoved in his mouth, like an apple in the mouth of a pig.

    It drives me right up the wall when I see anti-feminists using this quote. It is a quote from a work of fiction for heaven’s sake, but anti-feminists throw it around as if it is an actual quote. Like we needed yet another example of the lows that anti-feminists will stoop to in order to prevent women from carrying out a movement to achieve equality.

  78. CrowMeris

    Sarah Stefanson’s stroking of the male ego is perfectly understandable; pitiful, but understandable. The frat boys come to her for advice on how to “handle” women, be they angry feminists or those who insist on autonomy over their own bodies. She soothes their fevered brows, reassures them that Dude Nation indeed rules, and encourages them in their sophomoric pursuits. In turn, they pay her salary. She is their tool, she knows she is their tool, and she revels in her status. She’s far from alone.

  79. phio gistic

    The power of Twisty! Suggesting women shouldn’t be coerced into having sex results in a two-page screed! Unfortunately, it’s questionable whether the audience of “ask men” appreciates the Dworkin-bashing or is merely confused and goes off to graze elsewhere.

    I do like that the new article links to this quote:
    “Feminism remains a pretty simple concept, despite repeated — and enormously effective — efforts to dress it up in greasepaint and turn its proponents into gargoyles.”
    - Susan Faludi

  80. Lara

    “I want to see a man beaten to a bloody pulp with a high-heel shoved in his mouth, like an apple in the mouth of a pig.”

    Well, I was about to start laughing heartily at this quote…

    Also, I will remember “viscous onslaught” forever.

  81. Ruby Lou

    Ah, yes. The old ‘withholding’ plaint so beloved of whining dudes, which assumes that women’s sexuality rightly and inevitably belongs primarily to dudes, to answer their needs, that’s what it’s there for. And if a woman ‘withholds’ this flow, she’s messing with the natural order of things, and is therefor ‘asking for it’ when the dude rapes/cheats on/bullies her in response. What’s creepy and discouraging is the prevalence of Sarah the female sex journalist’s attitude in people who think of themselves as enlightened and liberal. Average citizens who walk among us everywhere. Untwist yer minds, people. And to those of you who believe dudes are owed sexual service by women everywhere, I’m thrilled not to withhold my explicit instruction that we belong to nobody but ourselves.

  82. awhirlinlondon

    I detest that repellent, revolting, inhuman, sadistic quote on every level that I can think of.

  83. phio gistic

    You do realize the quote is from “Ice and Fire,” which is fiction?

  84. Saphire

    I detest that repellent, revolting, inhuman misogyny on every level I can think of. Who has more power and is more evil – the patriarchy, a whole society working to take the autonomy from women, or a fictional representation of Andrea Dworkin? You’re on the wrong blog.

  85. Saphire

    Do you detest men that viciously rape women? Or do you just sigh for them, and voice your concerns when a feminist steps out of line?

  86. Awhirlinlondon

    Yes, drawn from Dworkin’s first novel and not, in fact, an example of What Radical Feminists Think. Even so, it does not inspire me to laughter.

  87. Alexa

    So what do radfems think? Liberal and lipstick feminists don’t speak for me.

    Who the hell calls themselves a radical feminist and bashes Andrea Dworkin?

  88. Cherry

    Howdy! New blamer on the block, here. I’ve been lurking for a while, and finally decided to post.

    AskMen.com is Douchebag Central. I’m only able to visit that site on an empty stomach, else I’ll barf into my shoes. Reading some of the comments is a real eye-opener; I never realized that there are so many stupid & hateful men crawling around. YouTube is just as bad; totally infested with knee-deep toxic misogynist sludge that is almost impossible to wade through. I’ve decided to just stop reading comments altogether.

    @ Awhirlinlondon: Um… why is it that, with all the fucking evil shit that men say and do in our world (much of which is socially acceptable), everyone is SOOOO “shocked and disgusted” by that excerpt from Andrea’s book?

    Seriously? Considering all of the debasing, dehumanizing and incredibly cruel things that men have said about women… you’re disturbed by that?

    OKAY

  89. Cyberwulf

    I love how “How To Deal With Angry Feminists” doesn’t suggest that men examine their own behaviour to see if they’ve done something to provoke an angry response.

  90. ElkBallet

    “In the wild world of men’s advice columny, “purposefully withholding” sex is universally understood as a wholly nefarious, cruel, and mystifying method of female retribution. That’s because sex is a commodity to which men are entitled by the Global Accords Governing Fair Use of Women.”
    *Groan* It’s true. I remember signing the “I am a masturbation sleeve” clause of my relationship contract. Or did I? I could write this whole advice article a lot shorter. Congratulations by the way, I now hate Fox News even more than I already did. Here are the reasons I’ve been a manipulative shrew, aka witholding sex. 1. I’m tired. 2. I’m depressed, and yes, the problem may be with the guy. Men nag too. 3. You suck in bed. Because if I’m not enjoying sex, then I’m not going to waste 5 min. – 2 hours of my day to trying not to chafe while the guy gets off. What’s not on this list? Power plays, manipulation, etc… Maybe instead of trying to blame the woman (that’s a new one) they should do a little introspection. It’s occam’s razor, the simplest explanation. It could be that we spent days coming up with plots about how to get revenge by giving the guy blue balls and using our vaginas for manipulation, or it could be, horror of horrors, that she just doesn’t feel like it! Ta-dah, I solved it.

  91. ElkBallet

    (sorry for the separate post, I wanted to add something)
    Fox got the name wrong. It should be “How to talk your woman into having sex when she doesn’t want to, especially cause you suck in bed: The next best thing to roofies!

  92. Neira

    ‘This is a time-tested, and frequently used, cruel thing for women to do to men. For most men, sex is as important as breathing, so withholding it in order to get something she wants or simply to punish her man for his transgressions is a pretty awful thing to do, even if it is effective.

    Read more: http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-cruel-things-women-do-to-men_3.html#ixzz1jqvfU1BC

    Ohhh fucking hell.

    Now simply wanting to own your own internal organs is being ‘cruel’ to men.

  93. Ugsome

    Neira, could Twisty’s term ‘fuck toilet’ be illustrated any more clearly?

  94. mybodyisacage

    Maybe if sex for het cis men was universally defined to depict the act of a large and unfairly worshiped organ shoved up their small buttholes (and the male ass would have to be painfully waxed and liposucked for viewing pleasure) over and over again by someone twice their size and at best condescending, at worst murderous, they might understand a little more while some women and other non-peen people (no matter their sexuality) would not desire this treatment even in spite of the worldwide conspiracy that teaches them practically since birth that they are here on earth to do nothing BUT get pronged. Maybe it would also help men understand if their prostate were removed so any possible pleasure from the encounter would be eliminated, if said pronging was used as a threat to keep them in line, if countless jokes were made in their presence about how funny their ass-brutalizations were, if they were made to feel at fault for being brutalized because they, for instance, had a couple of beers, if their own part that delivered sexual pleasure to them was so ignored that most people of all genders couldn’t even pronounce it correctly much less see its pleasuring as a sex act in itself, and if they had to pretend to everyone, including their fellow men, how much they loved getting brutalized because if they didn’t, there was something wrong with them (and therefore, they just hadn’t found the right one) even though the common slang for this act illustrates how most of the brutalizers know very well how unpleasant it is (getting “screwed” by your boss or “f#cked” by your landlord, for instance). Okay, I tried, but I would have to list a hundred more “maybe ifs” in order to illustrate what the prong imperative is like for many women and those born without peens. As for the author of this printed version of ipecac, most het and bi cis women I’ve ever met either would enjoy her article or feel guilty for “withholding sex” as a result of reading it, and that is its own ipecac. The prong imperative is the ultimate syphilitic sore on the butt of humanity. I know this post is way old but I had to respond. It was that or punch a wall. Thank you, Jill, for making me feel less alone, and I will now limit my comments to current posts.

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