Figure 7a. Are your boobs affected by gravity? Tit-tape ad promises product will banish unsightly boob saggage for 10 bucks. Product is an adhesive used to tape the top of your boob directly to your chest. TV commercial shown during Jeff Koons bio on the Ovation channel.
I wasn’t expecting to discuss this dick during Art Week, but because I still haven’t had time to sit down and compose myself, using meaningful words to express my innermost feelings on the topic, I may as well take this moment to blurt that I accidentally just saw 10 minutes of an artumentary on American artist Jeff Koons, wherein the self-promoting plastic-coated hack expresses surprise at “the reaction” to that super tacky 1991 series of sculptures and paintings depicting him pronging his wife. The reaction was that the series was more porn than art.
Koons! His work is fuckin ugly and his clever little joke is played. He is so 20 years ago! What is this crap doing on television? Where are The Real Housewives of New Jersey?
Koons to self: “What ugly-ass piece of dime store garbage can I immortalize in chrome and sell to rich morons as a monument to their own vulgarity? Hey, I know! How about this fuckin ugly inflatable toy rabbit?”
Never heard of Jeff Koons?
Arts journalist Arifa Akbar reported for The Independent that in “an era when artists were not regarded as ‘stars’, Koons went to great lengths to cultivate his public persona by employing an image consultant.” Featuring photographs by Matt Chedgey, Koons placed “advertisements in international art magazines of himself surrounded by the trappings of success” and gave interviews “referring to himself in the third person.”
Koons then moved on to Statuary, the large stainless-steel blowups of toys, followed by the Banality series that culminated in 1988 with Michael Jackson and Bubbles, a series of three life-size gold-leaf plated porcelain statues of the sitting singer cuddling Bubbles, his pet chimpanzee. Three years later, one of these sold at Sotheby’s New York for $5.6 million and was in the permanent collection of the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art. [From Wikipedia. Sue me; no time for real research]
A dudely voice avers in the artumentary that in the wife-pronging works Koons purports to give the viewer the opportunity to revel in the beauty of the human boink while relieving us of any embarrassment we might feel. Koons relieves this embarrassment, quoth the voice, by magnanimously taking on the task of fucking the sexxxy woman himself, I guess so we don’t get any smut on the rest of our art collection. What a gentleman.
Koons claims with a straight face that there no similarity whatsoever between his work and pornography. Even though the wife is, in real life, Ilona “Cicciolina” Staller, one of the most famous porn star/parliamentarians in the world, and he has dressed her in regulation pornwear, and has positioned her submissively in regulation porn poses, and has reproduced the images and pimped’em out. There can be little doubt how Koons feels about his own role in the business; his wife is a passive receptacle, but he depicts himself as that buff and noble Adam character from the Sistine ceiling, the one created by God in His Own Image. Only with his hand on Cicciolina’s ass.
Koons calls this series “Made in Heaven” but a more appropriate title would have been “Check Me Out, I’m Screwing a Hot Porn Chick”.
In the artumentary, Koons says the depictions of himself pronging his famous porn star wife — pimped to the public as art — are an expression of his, and by extension, all human, “sexuality.” This is unsurprising, as men typically lack the ability to distinguish between oppression/exploitation/porn and actual sex. Celebrity art dicks, in particular, appear to be sorely afflicted in this regard, what with their polyurethaned narcissism running amok and spilling out of televisions into spinster bunkhouses without the slightest provocation.
Koons is a smug, smooth, depraved asshole. It’s small wonder that he lists, both as his influences and as the artists with whom he expects to be grouped in art history books, the usual bunch of misogynist asshole dudes from the 20th century canon.
Staller is reportedly suing him for unpaid child support.
It is impossible to look at this crap and not feel like a voyeur, a degraded perv complicit in another woman’s sexploitation, and an agent of the debasement of the entire human species. Is it art? Sure, why not! But it stinks!