Phil, my secretary, has declined to ghost-write my essay today. He called in claiming writer’s block. What a load. He just wanted to lie around on the couch eating sour cream ‘n’ onion potato chips. I could hear Hair Battle Spectacular in the background when he called.
What’s Hair Battle Spectacular? A TV hair-do competition reality show. Stylists with fake nicknames affix scaffolding, found objects, and neon hair extensions onto models’ heads, whereupon they back-comb mile-high “fantasy” hair-dos that nobody could ever actually wear because if you lifted your chin even a couple of degrees to swig a marg, the earth’s gravitational pull on the hair-mass would snap your neck in half. The show is mesmerizingly asinine. I’m begging you not to watch it without hootin’ a doob first.
On a patriarchy-blaming note, the hair models are all beautiful women, presumably because, owing to the gender-binary component of the Global Accords Governing Fair Use of Women, similarly attractive men wouldn’t be caught dead looking that ridiculous. In our photo, stylist “Malibu” pours an actual cocktail into her model’s coiffure to demonstrate its ability to hold its liquor. It’s about time somebody invented a watertight beehive.
Anyway, with Phil on the lam and me without a minute to spare, you’re stuck with heartwarming nature crap again in lieu of a post. Luckily, it’s a molting Argiope aurantia, everybody’s second-favorite orbweaver.
Hair Battle Spectacular photo swiped from the Oxygen website. Oxygen, Oprah’s purportedly woman-centric cable channel, is also responsible for Bad Girls Club, a stultifyingly dull reality show consisting mostly of catfights between hot babes, Tori & Dean, a stultifyingly dull reality show featuring a privileged white celebrity heterosexual married couple living their uninteresting lives, and Snapped, the it’s-horrible-yet-I-can’t-look-away documentary series about ‘normal’ women who turn without warning into homicidal maniacs.