When a spinster aunt is laid up with a bum knee, three consequences are inevitable.
— Slouching in the lime green recliner, watching “Snapped!” and the Cooking Channel, eating sour cream and onion potato chips and stewing about how fucked up it is to have a bum knee: these activities will become the Useful Toil she’ll not let Ambition mock.
— She will read cookbooks, yearning for the day she can stand up long enough to cook something besides peanut butter toast.
— Out of desperate ennui, she’ll start adding plugins and widgets to the sidebar of her patriarchy-blaming blog.
A neurotic behavior, the plugin-uploading nearly always obtains an imperfect, or crappy, result. The veteran blamer will have lost count of the number of times my brilliant upgrades have broken the blog. But this time it’s a plugin that fixes it so that comment excerpts appear right there on the front page. How can this can fail to delight? What possible outcome except that it will spur commenters to begin their posts with zippy opening lines rather than with dilute drabbulations involving the first person singular? This improvement should not only entice the non-comment-reader to check out your shit, it will also elevate the human species as a whole.
You need not point out that, in order for comments — zippy in nature or otherwise — to get written, it is traditional for the blogger to first post a post. I’m way ahead of you.
I give you a recipe for French lentils that I stole from Food Channel personality Ina Garten’s book How Easy Is That. The book title is dumb, but the lentils are vegan and real effin delicious, and you can take that to the bank because I am an award-nominated lentiloisseur of the first water.
Unfortunately I don’t have a photo of the lentils, but here is a picture of the peanut butter toast I had for breakfast instead, which, I can say without fear of contradiction, is extremely riveting.
Anyway, for the lentils you need:
1 onion, whole
1 turnip, quartered
1 leek, chopped up (white part only)
2 carrots, chopped up (orange part only)
1 cup green French lentils
red wine vinegar
salt and pepper
You stick an onion with a couple of cloves (Ina says 6 cloves, but that’s just too damn many cloves) and throw it into a pot with your lentils and turnip chunks. Cover with filtered water. Simmer til done.
Meanwhile, jump the leeks, carrots, and garlic, in olive oil, in a different pan.
Meanwhile, make a mustard vinaigrette with pretty good olive oil and red wine vinegar. Drain the lentils, throw the clovey onion and turnip on the compost pile, add the leeks et al, and mix in the vinaigrette. Ina puts a pat of butter in there, too, but TV cooks are contractually obligated to put too much butter on stuff. Dazed by a romantic nostalgia for the Paris bistro where she wolfs down this dish with her beloved Nigel, Ina also lets the lentils cool to lukewarm before serving, but I was all like, “Phil! Are you mad? Stick these cold-ass lentils back in the microwave!”
It’s true that the flavors improve when the dish sits for a while, though. Ooo baybah baaay-bah, bah baybah baaay-bah.