Mar 14 2011

Women-in-Candy-Ads Korner

What is with this myth that cheap chocolate induces instantaneous orgasm in women?


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  1. Saurs

    Reinforces the notion that women aren’t supposed to be enjoying themselves when Doing It with Dudes — they’re supposed to be making sure the Dude is enjoying himself. Hence, all that unfulfilled sexual energy, or whatever, needs to be channeled into buying shit that makes them feel guilty, but not too guilty, because it’s only Tiny! Lo-Cal! crap chocolate. Notice everything marketed to women is actually crap? Crap, cheap clothes, crap cheap, disgusting, improperly tempered, unsatisfying chocolate wrapped in sticky, frustrating, shiny pastel foil, super disgusting fat-free yogurt, ineffective birth control designed for morons and marketed to idiots, stupid ass tampons that are made out of “pearls” or summat (‘cos women only understand shit that resembles pretty pink baubles), FAST-FOOD SALAD!, cleaning detergents and other house-slave accoutrement that in t.v. ads are either literally capable of seducing women or are presented by male authority figures with European accents who are meant to be capable of seducing women.

    Chocolate = orgasm commercials also want women to know that any pleasure they actually derive from anything other than sucking cock and cleaning floors is tangential to lookin’ hot and sexy (and they had better fucking look hot and sexy sucking cock and cleaning floors, too).

  2. Notorious Ph.D.

    Holy carp, Saurs: I think you just thoroughly nailed it.

  3. Bonnie

    Jill, you go on hiatus from blogging like I quit drinking.

  4. Blodwen Pig

    Hell yeah!
    Upfront apologies for how I-and-me-ish this is gonna be, but I did something real dumb today and now I regret it.

    I wore my hair down at work.

    Cue stream of incessant comments from female colleagues ’bout how cute how look, and how I should wear my hair down more often, and on that note, why don’t I do just that, everyday, like they do? I now know that it totally empoweralizes them and isn’t at all part of a time-consuming beauty regime I’m too lazy to be down with. Yay hair!

    Cue stream of incessant comments from skeezy guys all day. Seriously IT IS JUST HAIR and just because I have some of it showing doesn’t make me any more likely to sleep with you than on my less coiffed days. Again, hoorah for hair!

    Now for some unwanted backstory – the aforementioned lack of up-ness in my do was a misguided attempt to downplay a giant, swollen stye-riddled eye that’s been bugging me for a couple of days. I figured I wouldn’t have to deal with the usual bright sparks asking if I was aware that I had a stye, or unwanted and unmerited domestic-violence pity from clueless dudes, or generally being gawped at as if I’d just landed from planet Uglyshemonster.

    I should have known better, scraped that hair back and rocked the stye. After all, I haven’t had one for about a year and my whole “that’s why I can’t wear make-up” thing was beginning to sound a little suss. Tomorrow maybe I’ll mascara up my whiskers to undo the damage.

    Femininity: making women’s lives less comfortable since the year dot. In need of a little brain-washing? Just rinse and repeat.

  5. Joan

    heh, not all cheap chocolate:

  6. Blodwen Pig

    Oops posted on wrong thread in my over-eagerness to share unwanted personal crap. If you decide to publish this rant, which does try to convey hatred for femininity, could you please move it to the only subhuman thread? Ta muchly for your time. Blodders

  7. Spike Trapper

    Isn’t it partly just a riff on the old “women are hysterical/irrational/emotional” story?

    Maybe also a sign of how shrunken the windows for pleasure and voice are for most women?

  8. Treefinger

    Saurs, magnifique.

    Incidentally, fast food salad is one of the most ridiculous food/drink products ever created, second only to genital-shaped novelties and bottled water.

    The point of salad, as far as the patriarchy is concerned, is that it’s calorie-free and healthy without being too energizing, so women can eat it and remain desirably submissive. So why the fuck would spraying the salad with chemicals so it can sit in transit without rotting completely, then adding a fatty, sugary, salty sauce that puts it on par with a Big Mac in terms of healthiness, advance the salad agenda? I have two answers: the obvious one, which is that it benefits the megatheocorporatocracy, and the creepier one, which is that it serves the purpose of putting women in an eternal loop of striving to become thin without letting them actually get there, so people can denigrate them for obviously not trying hard enough.

    Also, I happen to like salad. McDonalds’ stuff amounts to nothing less than salad defamation.

  9. Melissa

    As a morbidly obese woman (according to the medical community, that is), these commercials have bugged the ever-loving crap out of me since day I saw one.
    1) The women eating the chocolate are always thin.
    2) The women eating the chocolates are always exhausted from the trials and tribulations of being a Modern Woman. (Read: Working outside the home, raising the kids, cleaning the house, all by themselves, with no evidence of a partner in sight.)
    3) The chocolate fixes everything. Yay!!
    4) The the woman only eats one chocolate, and it STILL fixes everything! Yay!
    5) There are inspirational messages written on the wrapper. YAYYYYYYY!!!
    6) There is no guilt associated with the eating of the chocolate, thereby freeing us women from feeling bad about eating chocolate. It feeds right in to the (mostly correct) assumption that eating chocolate is followed by guilt, which is followed by eating the rest of the bag of chocolates, thereby inducing self-hatred, thereby leading to the buying of more chocolates. Self-hatred following a chocolate binge is a 100% patriarchal-created affliction from which men are immune. Have you ever seen a chocolate commercial marketed to men? I haven’t, even though almost every man I knows loves and eats chocolate as much as I do.

  10. purin

    I always thought the women-and-chocolate thing was more of a legal drug high gag than an orgasm gag…

    … which opens up another can of unpleasant issues.

  11. lil sis

    a man wouldn’t have screwed up the world record with a chocolate-gasm. silly woman!

  12. Treefinger

    “Have you ever seen a chocolate commercial marketed to men?”

    Joan posted one upthread. There’s also the Mr.T “Snickers- get some NUTS!” ads. Marketing chocolate to men is usually done by suggesting they should eat the product to prove they aren’t like those icky girls.

    Normally these ads require the subtlety of a sledgehammer to distract the audience from the fact that chocolate in general is seen as a woman’s product.

  13. Jezebella

    Treefinger, have you seen this bit on Sociological Images:


    In which a variety of stock photos show women eating salad and laughing. I do love a good salad, but I’ve never found it particularly hilarious or exhilarating.

  14. pheenobarbidoll

    The absolute worst commercial is the Dove chocolate one where the women allow themselves one, single, tiny piece of chocolate. One teensy little piece of chocolate is all they deserve. Because overindulgence would make them Bad (ie fat) and look at their self control! The chocolate is individually wrapped so women can’t be tempted to eat more than their allotted amount.

    Pisses me off.

  15. damequixote

    The commercial they will never make is where excitement-gasms in women are caused by something that really does induce a ‘gasm:


    IMTP! yes! yes!! yesssss!!!

    ooo that was incredible

    do it again, Twisty

    (Film THAT, chocolate mongers.)

  16. Treefinger

    Jezebella, yes! The third from the bottom is okay since the way the photo was taken makes it look like the woman was observing something hilarious off camera while she just happened to be eating salad, but the rest are just ridiculous, especially the third.

  17. tinfoil hattie

    So much to hate about that ad! Show the woman with her frozen face! She is in control all the time! Mix in a little racism “all eyes in the world are on one ‘Asian’ woman”! Show her getting bonked on the head by a soccer ball! HA, that was great, show it AGAIN! Whoa – we need to see her getting hit A THIRD TIME!

    Let’s sabotage her with crap chocolate, the bitch! She has no hope against it! We’ll get her!

  18. tinfoil hattie

    PS Saurs is awesome.

  19. Metal_teaport

    A good chocolate commercial http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGYMMsPg_ME (in my opinion). I’m always surprised to meet someone who doesn’t like chocolate, at the same time it isn’t as good as the ads make out. Generally the more luxuries the ad, the worse the brand.

  20. Abzug

    In response to my declaration of being a radical feminist, my man said “But you’re not a lesbian”. It is with much disappointment, that now I’m hearing from lesbians, “You can’t really be a radical feminist”.

    Women are entangled with men. Most of your sisters love men. There are good men. Of course the existence of some good men does not negate the patriarchy, but any progress towards women’s empowerment will require the participation of everyone, including men. Do you really believe that women’s empowerment can only be found in a lesbian utopia? How I am I going to tell my two small sons that when they reach sexual maturity they will be banished from your queendom? Or are we already excluded for my sin of copulating with a man?

  21. anne

    Abzug, your two small sons probably won’t be terribly heart-broken for being excluded from commenting on a spinster aunt’s radfem blog. Rest easy the whole rest of the world will welcome them with open arms.

    Anyhizzy, I just ate some half-decent chocolate and didn’t jizz myself once. Stupid false advertising.

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