You can always rely on news headlines to breathe a bit of life into the Global Accords Governing Fair Use of Women. For example, today’s two most popular stories on the KXAN Austin News website are
You already know what these stories are about, but here are the synopses anyway:
1. Some prince of a guy punched his pregnant girlfriend in the face, rendering her unconscious, when he learned that the fetus didn’t contain any of his genetic material. Unexpected paternity is a very popular justification for smacking pregnant women around. Dudes love to violently punish women for getting pronged by other dudes, as well as for getting impregnated. Take that, bitch!
2. When a 14-year-old girl seemed too reluctant to leave her bedroom for a whole day, her mother became suspicious and broke down the door, whereupon she discovered a 22-year-old dude lounging in the daughter’s bed. The dude turned out to be one of those online predators. The news story omits no titillating detail. Oh, and in case you were worried that the girl would be let off the hook, rest assured that her mother is “holding her responsible” and has taken away her cell phone and computer. Take that, teen victim of dudely predation!
Note that in both stories the victims get what they deserve. The pregnant slut gets a beatdown, and the teen slut gets shamed by her own mom.
Cultural narratives consecrating the serene glow of motherhood and the innocent beauty of youth are pretty ubiquitous, yet pregnant women and teen girls are two of the most reviled and abused subsets of the sex class you’ll find anywhere (pregnant teens might as well just hang it up; no single group on the planet is as disenfranchised). The aforementioned news stories/cautionary tales show what happens when women fail to precisely mirror the Virgin Mary. They’re popular because beating pregnant women and raping teenage girls are themselves popular. In fact, these violent experiences transcend “popular”; they’re effing universal.
How universal? Well, everyone reading the headlines either has been beaten by, or knows someone who’s been beaten by, or is himself, a fuckwad in a jealous rage. Everyone has either fantasized about raping a kid, or has raped a kid, or knows that kid, or has been that kid.
But woe betide the Internet feminist who asserts that the universality of violence against women proves the existence of a global system of misogynist oppression. Feminists, apparently for the compelling reason that that we are simply jealous of the pretty girls, never shut the fuck up and accept that women are “equal” now. A spinster aunt gets so fed up with hearing how “equal” women are that she is apt to consider a comedy bit delivered by juvenile ultramisogynist Comedy Central dudebro Daniel Tosh a breath of fresh air. I’m not even kidding.
Daneil Tosh, whose tired comedy schtick is an endeavor to give the most offense possible, is, in the parlance of his peer group, a fucking douche. Douche-itude is generally greatly admired by the peer group to which I allude, but clearly something has gone awry with young Mr. Tosh. In fact, I’m surprised he hasn’t been brought before a DudeNation tribunal to face charges of treason, because here he is on national television actually admitting, to a nation of patriarchy-deniers, that patriarchy exists.
“At least we’re not women, right fellas?”
Laughter and applause.
“Ugh. Jeez. What is that like? Is it awful? Is it horrible? To know you’re Number 2?”
“By the way, these aren’t my beliefs, it’s my observations on the world I live in. If it changes, I’ll adjust the material accordingly.”
“I love when you try to rationalize it: ‘Oh, it’s great being a woman! Free drinks is worth not having equality!'”
Laughter and applause. [From Daniel Tosh one-hour special “Happy Thoughts,” aired March 2011 on Comedy Central]
I consider this a breath of fresh air, not because it’s so nice when young white dudes exploit oppression for personal gain, but because a member of Team Misogyny has actually spoketh the truth for half a second. The truth being Men Hate You.
Even if I wanted to, which I don’t, I can’t link to the actual bit, since the video, which unsurprisingly also contains hilarious jokes about raping babies and beating girlfriends, is apparently considered actual comedy gold and is kept in some kind of a comedy vault.