No time to post! It’s Guffaw At Media Day!
“Too often we think of Africa as a victimized, depressing place, so I’m trying to show the brighter side I knew as a child,” the now Paris-based Eklund says before citing oft-ignored but breathtaking beaches in Zanzibar, Dakar, and Casablanca. “[Eklund's swimwear line] Bantu is about celebrating the beauty of Africa — and what better way to do that than with exuberantly colorful bikinis?”
Not only is Paris-based bikinician Eklund celebrating the beauty of Africa by objectifying women, the model she objectifies also imbues “style” with “ethics”: “I donated an entire season’s earnings to children with cancer in São Paolo!” Is there anything a spray-tanned young hottie in a bikini can’t do?
2. Grudgingly transcribed by my assistant Phil, here’s a TV commercial selling domestic supplies to women. It features the tried and true Dudely Authority Figure managing female test subjects.
Male Announcer: We went around the country asking women to speak frankly about something no one wants to talk about.
Woman 1: It’s time to get real about what happens in the bathroom.
Woman 2: Stop all the cutesy stuff.
Woman 3: And start talking about what you really want from your toilet paper.
Woman 4: It’s time to talk about clean.
Woman 3: Feeling clean is soooo important.
Male Announcer: Quilted Northern Soft-n-Strong is stronger than the leading ripple brand to help protect against breakthrough.
Woman 4: For myself, for my family, it keeps us clean. Quilted Northern Soft-n-Strong.
Male Announcer: Protection for a confident clean or your money back.
What a relief. I’ve been so sick of all the cutesy conversations I’ve been having about what happens in the bathroom.
Stingray: So what happens in your bathroom?
Jill: Unicorns gerbils baby chicks Hello Kitty.
Stingray: Lollipops Justin Bieber?
Jill: And a bunch of chihuahua puppies!
But all I’ve really wanted to do is get real about what I want from my toilet paper. I mean, omigod, can we please start talking about actually wiping the shit off our ass and what to do about breakthrough, already?
Well, yes and no. These courageous, straight-talkin’ toilet paper conversationalists somehow omit the key words “feces” and “cornhole,” but nevertheless give me strength to confront my deepest yearnings for a truly immaculate ass, with a toilet paper that offers protection for my confidence. And there’s a money-back guarantee, which certainly must mean that if I get shit on my hand, they’ll refund my dough. Simply mail the shit-stained hand to Quilted Northern with proof-of-purchase seals, and they’ll refund my $2.98 in 6-to-8 weeks.
Tragically, I am doomed to suffer confidence-busting “breakthrough” forever, as Quilted Northern Safe-n-Strong is not septic-safe.
Photo: Scan of “Style Ethics.” Vogue May 2011: 180.