What could be more captivating than toilet paper? Almost everything, it turns out, but for some reason I’m still stuck on advertising for Quilted Northern tee-pee. O happy day, I found a new version of the TV ad I mocked in yesterday’s post. It features “Victoria,” a TV commercial mom — 30-ish, white, able-bodied, ostensibly hetero, casually attired for domestic activity, averagely but not threateningly good-looking in a wholesome, Protestant sort of way — speaking frankly and openly about how she “needs” toilet paper that she can “trust.”
She “trusts” Quilted Northern to keep her — and her family — clean.
Seventh Generation: Tcha! Did you even read my label? Our company isn’t run by a CEO, it’s run by a “Chief Inspired Protagonist”. Buying me means you “care enough to help make the world a healthier and safer place for this and the next seven generations.” What could be more trustworthy than that?
Jill: But Quilted Northern says —
Seventh Generation: That guy! Are you seriously telling me you’re falling for a 3-ply? Do you have any idea what that will do to the planet? You’re practically signing a death warrant for 8,297 polar bear cubs every time you wipe your butt with that shit.
Jill: But are you soft enough, for me AND my family? I need that in a toilet paper.
Seventh Generation: OK, sure. I’m just a 2-ply. I guess I’m a little rough around the edges. I don’t have any of your fancy so-called Plush-Quilts®. But I’m embossed, dammit! See that picture of a puffy cloud on my wrapper? It proves I’ve got improved softness! Can’t you believe that?
Jill: I don’t know what to believe anymore, Seventh Generation! I’m still so worried about breakthrough. For some reason I’ve got a nagging sensation that being clean is sooooo important.
Quilted Northern: Jill’s right, Seventh Generation. “Breakthrough” isn’t just some phony dire condition we made up to sell toilet paper. Every housewife knows that she can’t ever be clean enough down there. I’m just here to help reinforce those admirable though unattainable aspirations to domestic perfection through spotless-butt consciousness-raising. And if you’re concerned about the environment, think of the water you’ll save by not bothering to wash your hands after using our guaranteed breakthrough-free product!
Seventh Generation: Don’t fall for his gratuitous ostentation! Quilted Northern lacks the spiritual substance of Native Wisdom. He couldn’t quote from The Great Law of the Iroquois Confederacy if it were the last Great Law on Earth, but I can: “In our every deliberation we must consider the impact of our decisions on the next seven generations.” Put that in your butt and wipe it!
Jill: Don’t you have anything to say?
Bidet: Who, me? I don’t have to say anything. I know you’ll always come back to me and my warm jets.