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May 20 2011

Why didn’t I think of that?

Once in a while there emerges an idea so radiant, so silky, so bursting with nourishing emollients and nutraceuticals, that the staff at Spinster HQ can but put down their string cheese, gaze up from their microscopes, and raise a prickly-pear margarita to its genius.

Today I allude to this, one man’s response to the announcement by some apocalypse-predicting old godbag that the world is gonna end on Saturday:

An atheist and entrepreneur from North Hampshire, Bart Centre, is enjoying a boost in business for Eternal Earth-bound Pets, which he set up to look after the pets of those who believe they will be raptured. [cite]

God.

I mean God, the actual fictional deity. A real prince of a guy. He hates homos, women, Arabs, and communists; he loves blastocysts, white folks, America, and pedophile priests. He gives AIDS to babies and turns a blind eye to genocide in Sudan. Hell, he even gave me breast cancer! So it’s just like him to suction up 200 million pious animal caregivers through his giant Heaven Vacuum Tube and leave all those innocent dogs and hamsters and parakeets to starve to death or — the more likely scenario — get eaten alive by all the marauding infidel zombies God will have left behind to rot in squalor and pestilence. After Darfur, a thing like that would be pie to a guy like him.

Often I scratch the spinster noggin with a puzzled finger, unable to quite fathom why anybody would care to worship a fictional depraved shitbag like that God guy, but then I remember that fictional depraved shitbags are often charismatic, and that the godly, who have been lied to all their lives, can’t help being gullible.

43 comments

  1. Lovepug

    Rapture’s on Saturday? Crap, I gotta work that day. I’ll just have to keep my ear open for the mighty “whoosh” of thousands of annoying Christians flapping off to heaven and leaving us a with a sparkling, godbag-free planet.

    Hey, maybe God does love us after all.

  2. An

    Anyone stupid enough to buy into this bullshit, which is based on what amounts to Chrisitan fanfiction, and was started by a man who made the same prediction in 1994 deserves to be swindled for every penny they’re worth. It’s a pity this website wasn’t put out there sooner and marketed more widely. I’d love a franchise. Hell, I hope the rapture comes this Saturday. I would love nothing more than to adopt a bunch of uncared for pets in our lovely Christian free planet. Sadly godbags of other persuasions will likely remain.

  3. Suzan

    Awww Sheet does this mean I should spring for a goose gun and pop them as they take flight?

    OTOH wow. Look at all the houses and cars we can “discover and claim”

    As for the zombies, two words, “Head Shot”

  4. An

    “As for the zombies, two words, “Head Shot””

    Vitalist.

  5. Vibrating_Liz

    Remember that episode of Six Feet Under where the helium filled sex dolls that came unmoored from a truck on the interstate floated skyward and a gullible woman who mistook them for The Rapture ran out into traffic and got killed?

    There’s some entertaining #RapturePranks stuff on Twitter, things like scattering clothes & shoes on front lawns, nobody showing up in church Sunday to mess with the preacher, and @kelly_carlin’s brilliant “Put dry ice in a pair of shoes & leave on street corner.”

  6. Sarah

    Calling all Blamers: Raid your closets, and the closets of your friends. Acquire as many sets of old clothes and shoes you do not want as possible. Get up early tomorrow, and lay the clothes/shoes out in sets of matching outfits on lawns, street corners and in front of coffee shops. Set up a comfy chair in a spot where you can observe puzzled and/or troubled passerby. Sit back. Relax. Snicker.

  7. An

    Be sure they’re clothes that could legitimately belong to a godbag. For added fun stand near them looking up into the sky while crying silently.

  8. CLD

    If you’re pulling pranks, make sure you set them up Saturday night; that’s when the whole she-bang is supposed to take place. Sunday morning is when they’ll wake up “left behind”.

  9. ElizaN

    Speaking of godbags, a kid in Louisiana is getting death threats after he pointed out that having prayer included in the graduation ceremony for a public high school is illegal. Too bad they didn’t get raptured yesterday, so he could get his diploma without fearing for his safety. http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/hed7y/threatened_to_contact_aclu_for_prayer_at/

  10. An

    CLD,
    You’re probably giving them too much credit. I’m sure that 90% of them will assume that the Rapture will begin either at 6pm EDT or 6pm local.

  11. Triste

    That whole Earth-bound Pets business is like, whatever the opposite of ditwuss is. Amazing stuff.

  12. Judi

    Well, it is undeniably rapturous. I’m looking forward to checking the news on Sunday with way more gusto than usual. Beats all the shit out of exploding nuclear reactors and Donald Trump.

    And do check out the brilliant site of After the Rapture Pet Care. Nonbelievers are warmly invited to volunteer. I signed up for 2 cats, some birds and a rodent. And, you can get a T-shirt, or stackable mugs. What a hoot.

  13. Bitch With Opinions

    It’s already the Rapture in Japan, 13 hours ahead of EDT, but who expected any of those godless Shintoists/Buddhists to make it to Heaven? We’ll have to wait for good clean White America to make it official.

  14. buttercup

    I can’t be the only one who has that old “Blondie” song stuck in her head, can I?

  15. Ticki Tumbo

    Who wants to go to Heaven anyway if there are no dogs there?

  16. figleaf

    For the record there’s another company that not only promises to take care of your pet after the rapture but reassures their prospective customers that not only

    “I believe it is immoral to consume common domesticated pets (note: this includes goldfish!), and have no desire to do so.”

    But also

    “I believe it is immoral to have sex with animals, and have no desire to do so.”

    He also guarantees his customer he isn’t and never has been a Born Again Christian.

    Question: should post-rapture pet sitters offer money back guarantees?

    figleaf

  17. rubysecret

    Money back guarantee? Hell no. Non-refundable deposit is more like it.

  18. Mortisha

    Well it is Saturday here and i’m pissed that i haven’t seen any sky zooming christians yet. If it happens at night do you think they would leave a sparkly trail? That would be cool.

  19. janna

    If you’re inside and you get raptured, do you crash into the ceiling?

  20. Comrade PhysioProf

    String cheese is the motherfucken balls!

  21. tinfoil hattie

    ElizaN, way back when I graduated from public high school in 1978, we had a prayer, or “convocation.” I was pissed about it, thought it was illegel, but then considered I must SURELY be wrong, or the board of education would never have allowed it! Right?

  22. tinfoil hattie

    “illegal,” even. Yeesh.

  23. Friend of Snakes

    “String cheese is the motherfucken balls!”

    So, this is a commendation?

    Regarding the unraptured scaly and limbless pets: most of my friends held captive would be more than content just to be set free.

  24. Fictional Queen

    Damn,I don’t know much about your God,but ours thinks Arabs are pretty superior!

  25. speedbudget

    I would love to do the clothes prank and watch my neighbors’ reaction. They FINALLY mowed their lawn, after letting the grass grow about knee high, only to put up Rapture signs in the yard. I think they are trying to curry favor.

  26. Bushfire

    It’s already the Rapture in Japan, 13 hours ahead of EDT, but who expected any of those godless Shintoists/Buddhists to make it to Heaven? We’ll have to wait for good clean White America to make it official.

    I don’t know if Japan gets the rapture first, because that would require the Earth being round. Don’t American fundy Christians live on a flat Earth, with heaven above and hell below?

  27. Lovepug

    Ok, where is that dang Rapture? I’m waiting…(queue Blondie in the meantime).

    There needs to be a Rapture playlist. In addition to “Rapture” by Blondie, I would add “Bittersweet Symphony” by the Verve, “Light and Day” by Polyphonic Spree and “Let Go” by Frou Frou.

    What else?

  28. speedbudget

    “See You On The Other Side” Ozzy Osbourne
    “The Final Countdown” Europe
    “Beautiful People” Marilyn Manson
    “It’s the End of the World As We Know It (And I feel fine)” REM
    “Another One Bites The Dust” Queen
    “Wheel In The Sky” Journey
    “Spirit In The Sky” Norman Greenbaum
    “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper” Blue Oyster Cult

  29. speedbudget

    Oh.
    “Spirits In The Material World” The Police

  30. Milly of New York

    …and when he’s eaten cars he’ll go out at night and eat up bars where the people meet, wall to wall, door to door, rap-ture, be pure, take a tour, in the rain, don’t strain ya brain, da-da-da-da-da, and ya DON’T stop
    Ahhhh Jaysus! I love Blondie.

  31. niki

    Death’s door – Depeche Mode
    Noone lives forever – Oingo Boingo
    You can’t kill me – Lene Lovich
    Knockin’ on heaven’s door – all sorts of folks
    Terry Jacks – Seasons In The Sun

    Maybe ’16 tons’ by Tennessee Ernie Ford. That’s more the reality for many folks.

    I could go on forever.

  32. DepecheNode

    Blondie’s original version of Rapture is great and all, but Erasure’s FABULOUS cover is so much more appropriate.

  33. Comrade PhysioProf

    The best part of Armenian string cheese is the little fucken caraway seeds. YUM!

  34. minervaK

    Apologies for busting in here, but I need some equine advice, and Twisty’s the first person I thought of. I saw a donkey at a small farm recently whose hooves were somehow broken (?) — it walked with its front hooves flopping in front, with the fetlock (? that part of the ankle on an equine that sticks out of the back) supporting its weight. It did not seem extremely bothered by this, but I’m concerned that the animal isn’t being taken care of properly. You horse folks, am I nuts? I’m thinking about calling animal control to go out there and have a look-see. I don’t want to do it if it’s going to result in the donkey being “repossessed” by the patriarchy (the farm owner is female and thus subject to harrassment not likely to be visited on her male peers), but I’m concerned. Has anyone seen something like this before?

  35. Mortisha

    minervaK. Yes the donkey is neglected. It sounds as though it’s feet have not been trimmed for a long time. It would be in pain, the equivilant of us having to walk around on turned ankles.
    For the record prey animals are very good at hiding that they are in pain. Otherwise, they come to the attention of predators very quickly. Noone wants to be the limpy one at the back of the herd. A lot of people assume if they are not writhing on the ground moaning they must be feeling OK. Sometimes it takes a knowledgeable eye to see the full extent of suffering.

    Even if it is a rescue, it should be attended by a farrier and/or a vet by now. Like now. Honestly, if nothing is done the donkey would be better off eunthanased than in so much pain for so long.

  36. Sharky

    Okay, so it’s past midnight in the UK and the rapture does not appear to have happened at all. Sorry, everyone. Looks like we’re going to have to keep dealing with those angry godbags.

  37. AnnieMay

    I am not a Rapturist, but I had me a scare. I was having fun with all this talk of empty clothes and smoking shoes, but I guess I’m suggestible. I went looking for my partner in the house and couldn’t find him. As I passed the couch I saw a pair of his pants and his sweatshirt and I swear to God my first thought was “Raptured!” That’s just embarrassing. My first thought shoulda been “Lazy bugger!”

  38. Jill

    Yo Minerva K, call animal control on that woman’s ass immediately. She is an abuser. That donkey is in excruciating pain. Take a video if you can, but don’t trespass. And good luck. The prevalent attitude in rural America — all too often shared by law enforcement — is that people should be able to inflict whatever the fuck they want on their personal livestock.

  39. minervaK

    Thanks Mortisha & Jill — I am sending in a report right now. Thank you for interrupting IBTP regularly scheduled programming to answer my question.

  40. Bushfire

    So how was everyone’s Rapture? We had excellent weather here and I had a beautiful, relaxing weekend in which I worked on a sewing project. Now that I’m on my way back to work I’m hoping to find that all the Christians have gone.

    (Wishful thinking.)

  41. Jill

    I was bummed that the fundie dudes across the creek resumed their 7AM sabbath dirt-biking this morning. They couldn’t have been half as disappointed as I was to discover that the rapture was a crock.

  42. Hermionemone

    No, no, nooo! The Rapture did indeed occur, and all those who were eligible and worthy to be saved, were saved. All the people you still see around you are the doomed unworthy dregs of humanity left behind. Get used to it: God didn’t want you! Now that God has left this world, taking all the truly believing and potentially reedeemable souls with Him, we can get down to making the world a better place without wasting any more effort and resources. Dismantle the churches, send home the priests, God doesn’t live here any more. That ship has sailed, and good riddance to all who sailed therein!

  43. veganrampage

    Poor F’ing donkey. I hate people that do that shit!

    Good call here on IBTP, THANK YOU.

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