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May 25 2011

Spinster aunt watches komedy klips on Internet

OK, Jerry Seinfeld isn’t much of a feminist icon, but he’s often good for a couple of yuks, and let’s face it: a couple of yuks are what gets a spinster aunt out of bed in the morning.

So, since I have no time to post — and by the way, not posting is the new posting, in case you were wondering about all this crapola I’ve been publishing lately — here are a few Seinfeld bits that you may find pleasantly amusing.

I had never seen the clear toilet seats to which he alludes, so I Googled it. I was floored by the astonishing variety of acrylic toilet seats with stuff embedded in’em available for purchase on the modern Internet. Sea horses, ducks, skulls, and of course, money. If only I had 37 bathrooms. I would put a different stuff-embedded acrylic toilet seat in every one.

37 comments

  1. Pinko Punko

    If one with martini olives in it exists, and I predict it must, I might just die. I am afraid to put my hypothesis to the test. I am not ready for it this morning.

  2. Lovepug

    Toilet stuff again? Although that was pretty funny. Seinfeld’s not so bad.

    I will take this instance of non-blogging to do what another blamer did on another thread and send out a blamer distress call. Over this head slapper from NPR:
    http://www.npr.org/2011/05/25/136611339/flipping-the-script-man-in-a-woman-shaped-world

    The article can be tolerated, but the comments! Why oh why do I read the comments when I know where they’re going.

    I swear, I think online comment areas represent the real barometer of the status of women in this world. Men do hate us.

  3. janicen

    Ewww, Twisty. I didn’t realize the toilet seat bit was from Letterman. Seinfeld was funny, but I was distracted by Letterman’s annoying laugh and by my own thoughts of how much I despise him. Shower time.

  4. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    My sister used to have one a those upholstered ones that would hiss when you sat down on it. My bro-in-law used to say it was like doing your bidness in an easy chair.

  5. Yardshark

    They’ve been doing the money-filled seats (along with some others) for *decades*.

    Ain’t y’ever seen a Lillian Vernon catalog? They’re like a snapshot of the mind of the American heartland.

  6. LS

    I am a huge comedy nerd. May I recommend Maria Bamford, Tig Notaro and Jen Kirkman for your listening/viewing pleasure?

  7. Cyberwulf

    Stewart Lee isn’t perfect, but he mocks people who sneer at political correctness and I find that quite entertaining.

  8. Treefinger

    Upholstered toilet seats are the worst, the WORST. I can take seahorses under my butt as long as they’re behind nice, easily-cleaned plastic. Upholstering your toilet is like carpeting your chopping board and knives.

  9. Shopstewardess

    Quilted toilet seats? I didn’t realise that the world had moved on quite so far from the toilet taste nadir of my youth: the knitted 18th Century doll toilet roll cover. It’s almost enough to make me think that chap who predicted the end of the world two days ago had a point.

    Are those real dead seahorses? Yuck.

  10. Jezebella

    Not quilted: upholstered. In plastic that sticks to your butt, and then cracks after a few months’ use. It also makes that hissing noise once a crack develops. But no, not quilted. Very different things.

  11. TungstenVirago

    Stewart Lee is genius! – which is why he is not all that ‘popular’.

  12. Jill

    “[...] carpeting your chopping board and knives.”

    Well, as long as it matches the drapes.

  13. Triste

    When I was a kid I used to have this glass paperweight thing with a giant fucking scorpion in it. Thing was huge, or at least huge by my standards of living in Connecticut and having insects which are reasonably sized instead of the prehistoric monsters you have out in the southwest.

    Anyway that’s the kind of toilet cover thing I would want. One with a crazy arachnid inside, staring up at you. Just waiting for its chance.

  14. Siren

    “Well, as long as it matches the drapes.”

    Holy crap, that’s awe-inspiring. You are the absolute best at the cutting comeback. Fuck dentata: we’re in vagina cuisinarta territory now.

  15. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    @ Shopstewardess — In the darkest reaches of my closet, there lurks a bridesmaid’s dress that made me resemble one of those toilet-paper covers.

  16. speedbudget

    Shopstewardess: LOL I remember my great aunt had one of those things, and I could never figure out why. Is toilet paper a terrible secret?

    And every time I’ve been in someone’s house who has an upholstered toilet seat, the bathroom is always horribly, disgustingly dirty. It’s like they’re trying to distract you by saying, “See? We care! Try our comfy toilet seat.”

    I dunno. I am never comfy on upholstered toilet seats. Someone in another thread was talking about sitting in a warm chair (which, I will always, always pause and give the chair time to cool before I sit. I hear you, sister). Sitting on an upholstered toilet seat is like sitting in a warm chair to me. It just grosses me out.

  17. Jill

    “Not quilted: upholstered”

    Yeah, quilted refers to the toilet paper. See any of several recent posts on the topic.

    Observations about the cracking, hissing and filth level that corresponds to all bathrooms containing squishy toilet seats are world-class in terms of pithiness. A pithy observation gets me all verklempt.

  18. HazelStone

    If any blamers want to help, I’m trying to shame Mother Jones over this giant bucket of FAIL. I’m doing it on Twitter.

    http://mojo.ly/lzdZ59

  19. HazelStone

    The article is about a white Libertarian dude who swore off consensual sex and decided to only go to sex workers for span of time. Then he wrote a comic about it.

    Here’s a lovely quote from the interview:

    “MJ: When you are with a prostitute, is there any way you can be sure you’re not having sex with a sex slave, or someone who’s underage or being abused by a pimp?

    CB: Well, those are three different things. Underage, you have to rely on your own ability to distinguish age, which isn’t always completely accurate. As I show in the book, there were only two cases in which I was questioning the ages of the prostitutes. All the rest of the time I was confident the girls were of legal age. As far as sex slavery goes, in Canada, if the woman has a Canadian accent, I’m confident that she hasn’t been trafficked and forced to work as a prostitute.”

    ARRGGHHH!

  20. Ayla

    Yes. If only all women everywhere would develop a Canadian accent, sex slavery would cease to exist. Everyone knows you can’t rape someone who sounds like a Canuck!

  21. yttik

    Don’t knock those crochet toilet paper dolls. Our mothers and grandmothers likely knew the truth, that a lot of men simply view what’s under a woman’s skirt as something to wipe their ass with.

  22. speedbudget

    Yeah, because poor and disadvantaged women who are WHITE can never be sex slaves, amirite?

    Does this guy know how pimps work?

  23. Nepenthe

    @Hazelstone

    The best thing one can say about that assweasel–I think “bucket” is a bit too yonic for him–is that he doesn’t pretend to be interested in human rights, like some libertarians. Or that he gives a damn about women, like some pro-prostitution dudes.

  24. Lovepug

    Ugh. Proof that if someone is white and has a Canadian accent, it doesn’t mean he isn’t a tool.

    I’m pretty sure DSM-IV has a name for this guy’s personality. What struck me is that he has this distorted view that in order to have sex you either have to have a girlfriend or you have to pay. Why the self-imposed false dichotomy? Why couldn’t you just be a decent guy to hang out with but be honest and upfront that you’re not looking for a relationship? Plenty of hetero women are not looking for relationships either but like to have sex.

    I think the reason he opted for prostitutes is 1) it will sell a book and 2) it removes the yucky business of having to actually have social skills.

    I think this is a guy who needs to be monitored for anti-social behavior. I would not be surprised to find strangled cats buried in his backyard for example. Yes, patriarchy: it’s not just for 3rd world countries!

  25. HazelStone

    Has anyone enlightened Mother Jones with these sentiments? Cause that’s what I was asking for help with.

  26. Josquin

    Jill/Blametariat:

    What are your thoughts about the couple who have not divulged the gender of their baby to friends and family and curious strangers so as to protect the child from society’s expectations about gender roles? Their two other young sons have already been scorned for dressing in a style deemed “girly” by the Patriarchy.

  27. anne

    You know a comedian who’s not a total assmunch? Hal Sparks. ‘Charmagedon’ was mostly pretty good.
    And dog help me I rather liked Whitney Cummings stand-up special. She’s pretty essentialist, but she eviscerates ridiculous male behavior like armchair quarterbacking in a team jersey. She says that’s like women watching Grey’s Anatomy in scrubs. I LOLd.

  28. Jezebella

    Hmmm…Is it okay if women wear our team jerseys and armchair quarterback while downing brewski and eating nachos? Because, I may have been guilty of that once or maybe a hundred times.

  29. anne

    I don’t see why not, long as you take the game ridiculously personally.

  30. Jezebella

    Heh. Yes, yes I do. Who dat!

  31. Jill

    “the couple who have not divulged the gender of their baby to friends and family and curious strangers so as to protect the child from society’s expectations about gender roles?”

    What! Somebody finally did this? Faints be dazed!

  32. Schnee

    Woah! Forget watching stoopid-arse Jerry Seinfeld, that there Texas Rep Senfronia Thompson is real entertainment!

    http://feministing.com/2011/05/27/texas-rep-thompson-blasts-legislative-sexism/

    You go Senfronia! Giddy up!

  33. Sargassosea

    Jerry can take a number and stand in line to kiss my ass.

  34. Hannah

    I remember having spent a penny sitting on one of those clear contraptions that featured barbed wire encased in plexiglas. Obviously the owner of that particular joint must have had an S&M streak. As toilet experiences go, it was almost as surprising as coming face to face with a stuffed boar’s head complete with sunglasses in some dingy Paris café…

  35. Frumious B

    “What! Somebody finally did this? Faints be dazed!”

    Two sets of someones! There was the kid named Pop, and now this baby. Awesome idea, and cheers! I look forward to meeting both these kids around age 30, after they have been conditioned by society once they enter it to embrace gender roles, remember faint echos of their very young childhood when they didn’t have a gender, and reclaim those echos as best they can to present as authentically as themselves.

  36. Elsie

    Jerry Seinfeld never really got me chuckling, but this is welcome respite when Mike King is the comedy hero celebrated in my motherland:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18DaOL9ac8E

    Watch it and weep.

  37. Mol

    Seinfeld? Couldn’t you have found a funny woman to blog about :/

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