Got a mean boyfriend who gets mad at you all the time?
DUMP HIM. DUMP HIM NOW.
Reluctant to completely change your life based on the exhortation of some random Internet feminist? Then at least try out youarenotcrazy.com for some No. 1 Verbal Abuse Information. Tragically, the entire website suffers from gratuitous Flash, which makes it challenging to navigate (and copy text from), but slog through it anyway, because I promise you, you don’t deserve the shit that asshole is dishing out.
An excerpt from the “Defective?” section:
The ramifications of abuse are yours, and the payoff is his. If you feel crazy, he’s in control. These things add up to an all-around anxiety of being crazy:
• I often feel disconnected and confused, wobbly.
• I engage in introverted dissections of our conflicts to figure out what went wrong.
• I’m wary and distrust my own ability to form friendships.
• I feel as if an important dream shattered, but I can’t remember what that dream was.
• I have a growing doubt in myself and my self-respect.
• I feel like the whole world is muffled and out of my reach.
• Emptiness lingers around me like an endless fog, and I’m afraid to tell anyone.
• I must carefully edit anything I say because I’m not normal.
• I used to love doing some activities, now I just can’t muster the enthusiasm.
• I don’t know why I’m not happier within my relationship.
• I’m ill at ease in his presence, but I know I love him.
• I often don’t trust that my perceptions are valid.
• I have an intense desire to NOT be the way I am (as in “too sensitive”).
As the alumna of several abusive relationships (hell, who isn’t?), and as the observer of about 1753 more of my friends’ abusive relationships, I am the world’s foremost authoritative expert know-it-all wise old crone on the subject. I can attest that the information contained in youarenotcrazy.com is quality stuff.
The “Quiz” section, for example, contains an actual audio recording of an actual dickhead boyfriend verbally abusing the author, and will make you throw up as you play “spot the abusive tactic”. It’s awesome (if navigationally confusing) because the author’s hypothesis — that women often do not recognize verbal abuse when they hear it — is spot on.
Another of my favorites is the “Abusers Are Rarely Motivated To Change” section. I love this section because almost universally, the abused woman thinks her abusive dude can be turned into a nice guy if she can just get him to understand that he’s been acting like an entitled prick. For instance, she wants dude to go with her to couples therapy, where she believes the therapist will validate her concerns in front of the dude, whereupon she will be vindicated as not-crazy, and the dude, confronted with his horribleness at last, will be shamed into changing his ways, and they will be a happy loving couple again.
Say I: Don’t waste your time! Dump him now!
Says our author:
It’s rare for an abusive man to truly become nonabusive; even men that take part in renowned abuser programs. Sadly, in therapy, most men just learn to abuse without looking bad, using new skills and psychological jargon to avoid taking responsibility for the pain they inflict.
One thing I didn’t see at youarenotcrazy.com is the “but he’s not like that all the time” bit. Sometimes abusive dudes go through phases where they act like they like you. This can be mistaken for love, but listen girls, love is not sporadic episodes of quasi-decency punctuated with rage. A pal of mine recently called me up in tears because of her mean boyfriend. She told me “he can’t help being mean to me, he ran out of weed last week.” All his empathy and compassion were in that dime bag, I guess.
Tangentially, I would like to take this opportunity to pooh-pooh self-help books that purport to take you inside the mind of your abuser so that you may understand his motivations. Who cares about his motivations? DUMP HIM NOW.
Shout-out to veteran blamer Jezebella for hipping me to this website.