Nov 12 2011

To whomever is missing 3 donkeys near Rattlesnake, TX

Donkey in the pool[UPDATE: Donkey mistook pool cover for solid ground, fell in, got trapped in deep end under pool cover. Had a hell of a time — about an hour and a half — getting her out. Her best friend paced on the sidelines the whole time in a sort of worried panic, hee-hawing more or less continuously. I’m sure you heard it over in Australia. My ears are still ringing. Couldn’t get the trapped donkey to climb up the steps, because she’s a donkey. Tried to bite me whenever I’d get close enough to toss a rope around her girth. Eventually she saw reason and climbed out on her own. She stood still for a second, then shook the water off, pooped in the pool, gave me the atomic stink-eye and trotted off into the night to rejoin her anxious troupe. If I end up keeping her I’m naming her after one of the Naiades. Possibly Daphne, who fended off Apollo by turning into a laurel tree, or Liriope, the mother of Narcissus.]

Three donkeys

I have your donkeys (not pictured: the third donkey).

Longhorn cow

Oh, and those 12 gaudy Texas longhorn cattle you bought so you could make like Ross Perot and keep your ag exemption in style? I have those, too (not pictured: 11 other ginormous cattle with 6′ racks). I will happily return them to you once you’ve reimbursed me for the damages.

Thank you.


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  1. Brenda Johnson

    Wow. Lovely donkeys, tho.

  2. Greenconsciousness

    You should get the Ag exemption

  3. Ron Sullivan

    Same donkeys as before? I think they’re applying for asylum.

  4. Jill

    I think, Ron, that these are an entirely different set of donkeys. My last little herd from a few years ago were gray, but these are dark brown.

    People out here keep’em to chase coyotes away. Donkeys don’t joke around when it comes to canines. Last night at 2 AM my dog Bert woke me up barking like mad; he’d spotted the renegade donkeys on the other side of the fence. Well, when I turned on the light and the donkeys saw the dog they all three turned in unison and charged at him, braying like hell spawn in a take-no-prisoners kind of way. Bert beat a hasty retreat. Then they went galloping off to terrorize my delicate Arabians. It was hilarious.

  5. Darragh Murphy

    Neato! We have a growing coyote problem in the Great Metrowest of Boston where delicate suburbanites are at our wits’ end about WHAT TO DO about the coyotes on the lawn. Donkeys roaming free in Wellesley and Lincoln would be HIGH-larious.

  6. josquin

    I love those donkeys. I think they belong to me as a matter of fact. Yes. Yes they do. (MUST HAVE THOSE DONKEYS!)

  7. josquin

    The patriarchy has been so busy lately – Penn State, Herbert Cain. It’s somewhat of a relief to come here and learn about donkeys.

  8. Pinko Punko


  9. Kea

    No wonder they’re there in your yard. It looks gorgeous!

  10. pheeno

    Long horns are adorable, not gaudy.
    *insert obligatory HOOK EM HORNS yell here*

  11. Owly

    We were wondering what could possibly be making the huge chunks from out lawn go missing and the dirt all trampled. Then we encountered a gigantic longhorn eating the grass in our front yard. It apparently had been coming back at night for weeks through a hole in our barbwire fence. Ah Texas, my Texas.

    Also, a lot of people keep donkeys with their small cattle herds. They’re very, very protective.

  12. AlienNumber

    Not sure how I feel about all these jokes comparing animals seeking refuge on Twisty’s property to Mexicans crossing the border/people applying for asylum. But it may just say something about my own beliefs about who has it better – pets (and/or some farm animals) in the US or a growing number of people in the developing world (I can make a pretty compelling case it’s the former, with the arguments for the latter being quite shabby).
    Not to spoil the fun.

    The one donkey I personally knew at one point and whose name I can’t remember, was purple, a village attraction, and also hated people, which was all in all a 5-star tragicomedy.

  13. allhellsloose

    Can you not report this to the animal mishusbandry (partriarchy rules) department at your local council?

    Seriously. IBTP.

  14. allhellsloose

    Tell me those fences came pre painted!

  15. Vi McAvoy

    Perhaps you can get a nitrogen boost to your compost pile. Good pictures, great blog. I found your blog through this article on aldaily.com http://nymag.com/print/?/news/features/feminist-blogs-2011-11/

    You are now my homepage. Thanks.

  16. Ugsome

    I don’t blame them for seeking out the tranquility of your vegetarian wonderland.

  17. Jill

    Nobody compared my donkeys to Mexicans, but asylum-seeking is an apt and, I think, not derogatory comparison. I don’t know where those donks came from, or the cattle, either, but I can tell you this: if they’d been getting fed, they wouldn’t have left. They were just trying for a better life, like any sensible person would.

    For the record, I have informed the Sheriff’s Department of the stray livestock. According to the law of the open range, if they can’t locate the owners within a few days, the county will impound the animals. Eventually they’ll auction’em off, using the proceeds, if any, to pay for my damages. If it comes to that I might actually bid on those donks. They add a certain je ne sais quoi to the circus here, and, as my vet says, they survive on brush and never colic, what’s not to love? And I hate to think of them getting turned into dog food. I hate to think of the cattle getting turned into dog food, too, but sadly I’m in no position to take on a herd of longhorns.

  18. Bushfire

    Animals are so wonderful! If only all my problems were animal-related instead of patriarchy-related, I could get rid of the antidepressants.

  19. josquin

    Do bid on the donkeys! They are stalwart and excellent animals.
    Yes, I am now hoping that the present owner doesn’t turn up so you can obtain those donks.

  20. yttik

    Donkeys are pretty cool. I know their fur is different from horses, they don’t shed water, so you have to keep them dry and warm. They’re desert animals, probably not a problem in Texas, but where I live it’s much too wet and a donkey would practically have to be an indoor animal.

  21. Abra

    There’s a ranch down the road a ways from me with Longhorns on it, but I somehow doubt they’re the same ones. North of Dallas to your neck of the woods would be a long ramble.

    Those donkeys are adorable. Wannnnnt!

  22. Notorious Ph.D.

    There’s a joke to be made here about patriarchy and jackasses. But I don’t seem to be coming up with anything good.

  23. AlienNumber

    “They were just trying for a better life, like any sensible person would.”

    Aw. True.

  24. Comrade PhysioProf

    Sounds like you need better fences to keep all these fucken ungulates out of your ranch.

  25. Ron Sullivan

    Hmmm, I’m wondering in a purely academic speculative kind of way if any of those donkeys might be a stallion and any of your Arabians might be a mare who feels like breeding. That’d be an interesting mule.

    I’ve only ever ridden a mule once, and when I got my leg over her back I trusted her immediately. I think I might like mules, if I had the chance.

  26. Jill

    “I’m wondering in a purely academic speculative kind of way if any of those donkeys might be a stallion and any of your Arabians might be a mare who feels like breeding”

    Shut your MOUTH, Ron Sullivan! This is not an acceptable outcome.

  27. Super Anon For This

    Shut your MOUTH, Ron Sullivan! This is not an acceptable outcome.

    Next you’ll be advocating donkey abortions, you radical feminist man-hating godless lesbian.

  28. Bushfire

    Is it wrong to breed a donkey and a horse? I know nothing about this. I’m a city gal.

  29. pheeno

    Your update is both horrifying and hilarious.

  30. shopstewardess

    It could have been one of the longhorns.

  31. squiggy

    Vi McAvoy- thanks for the New York magazine article. If only they’d sent a city-slicker out to do a black and white portrait of our beloved JillP! What a delight that would’ve been!

  32. Triste

    Twisty, stop making life outside of (sub)urban areas seem so fun and interesting. I know those things shit everywhere, but somehow that seems to be a minor setback to the joy of being able to see donkeys chasing coyotes.

    I suppose I could always go read some posts about your poisonous goddamn spiders to cleanse of any foolish rural ambitions.

  33. josquin

    Triste: that’s right. My life suddenly seems very boring, predictable, and mundanely free of the donk-drama, lurking unattributed cattle, and other festivities currently being enjoyed by Jill.

  34. allhellsloose

    I like Daphne.

  35. tielserrath

    I feel your pain.

    I just had two goats (and a dog) impounded. My fences aren’t up to containing goats and they chewed through the rope. I was holding them off my garden with a hoe by the time the animal control guy turned up.

    Last year it was a flock of fifteen sheep (with lambs) that I looked after for three weeks. Neigbour took them back when I was at work and didn’t even bother to leave a note.

    However this is slightly better than my poor colleague, whose neighbour’s llamas escaped one morning and took off, at speed, down the road. After his description I decided that if the local alpaca farm has a breakout, I will make coffee and hide in the bedroom.

  36. Daisy Deadhead

    My daughter’s donkeys (in your neck of the woods) are named Thelma and Louise. She swears Thelma knows her name, but Louise ignores everyone unless they have food.

  37. Gayle

    “Is it wrong to breed a donkey and a horse?”

    That’s how Mules are created. I can’t comment on whether it’s wrong or not.

    I hope the donkeys and longhorns are A-okay! Those donkeys would be very lucky to live on your Ranch– although it’s clear you will need to invest in more fencing.

  38. Carpenter

    Wow, I hope you and the donkey aren’t too traumatized. At least one of the cows didn’t fall in the pool. You can always open a perilous petting zoo.

  39. Cootie Twoshoes

    My lands, I love the update photo, that the braying donkey is a blur of noise and sympathetic anxiety for her friend in peril. Does this teeter into Heartwarming Nature Crap territory? Or, are these donkeys too domesticated?

  40. Cimarron

    Donkeys are awesome. They are the ultimate easy keepers, maybe too easy, they seem to get fat off of air, and its hard to get them trim again. The most freaked out I’ve ever seen horses, was upon beholding a miniature donkey.

  41. Sarah

    That them thar pool is not made of ceee-ment, as previously suspected. This makes much more sense now.

  42. Val

    Hey! Mules are God’s gift to us; proof that She loves us & wants us to be happy.

    My son’s mule is the sweetest creature on earth; it makes me feel better just to stand in her presence. She’s also a better babysitter than I ever aspired to be: endlessly patient, tolerant, & forgiving.

    (A mule combines the best features of horses & donkeys; don’t get me started!)

  43. minervaK

    We used to have donkeys on our version of Cottonmouth Ranch, and they were better’n watchdogs. Plus they are cute as hell. I hope you get to adopt them.

    In other news, I am tilting at windmills again. I won’t win, but every signature on this petition makes me feel better:


    TRIGGER WARNING: The petition displays a cartoon of rape from the offending site that is pretty gross.

  44. Darragh Murphy

    Hi MinervaK, I signed. Thanks for the link.

  45. AlienNumber

    Val, do tell more about why mules are God’s gift to us.
    One tried to kill me once, while I was riding it, it was probably my fault, but I’ve since had an irrational fear of mules. It’s only fair I give these hybrids another chance.

    Twisty, the updated pic is pure genius. Love the rope, boots, shaking donkey details. When – if – I grow up, I want to be just like you.

  46. Super Anon For This

    I did, too, Minervak. Thanks for taking this on.

    I am absolutely misogyny-weary. Patriarchy-weary. Men-weary.

  47. Someone Else

    I love the expression on Pool Donkey’s face. “Miffed”, is how I would describe it. Or even, “Quite miffed”.

    It is certainly not, “overwhelming gratitude for your efforts to help”.

    That donkey totally blames the patriarchy.

  48. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    A trio a donkeys would be much welcome chez Niebieszczanski. They would have ample grass to munch. I could market the manure to my neighbors-n-friends for fertilizer. And they could bird-dog the Jehovah’s Witnesses who come a-calling of a Saturday morning because I don’t have the heart to. Hell, they might even scare off my neighbor’s cats (unspayed, unneutered, and endlessly yodeling for food at my back door, which sends my dogs into a frenzy).

  49. Val

    Ah, AN, as you say, if something went wrong it was probably YOUR fault ;-)
    This has been the case w/every single one of my riding accidents – “what we have here is a failure to communicate”. Equestrian sports can expose your most glaring flaws – impatience, irrational expectations, volatility.
    If you haven’t seen “Buck”, the documentary about the real-life “horse whisperer” Buck Brannaman, I can’t recommend it highly enough.


    (He doesn’t specifically address mulemanship, but whatever you do w/horses, you have to do “more so” w/mules.)

  50. josquin

    “endlessly yodeling for food at my back door”

    Hee! that’s funny. I have a cat who does that. I’d like a guard-donk also to keep said cat from pooing in every newly cultivated growing area I create.

    “Buck” was excellent.

  51. Fictional Queen

    Maybe this isn’t the right place to post this, but I’m getting real depressed about some stuff and I can’t find anyone who understands, can any of you chat sometime?

    I’m on yahoo messenger at shahrzad_hbk.


  52. Embee

    Super Anon For This, may I say that your “accusation” read like a sweet compliment to me? I kind of want to use it as my signature line on all outbound emails.

    “Next you’ll be advocating donkey abortions, you radical feminist man-hating godless lesbian.” – Super Anon For This

    Too much?

  53. Bushfire

    Fictional Queen, I don’t know what Yahoo messenger is, but you can email me at veggie _ master @ hotmail

  54. Val

    As someone who has fought the good fight against chronic recurrent depression for many years, you are also welcome to email me at endurovet@hotmail.com

    (Sorry I am not on yahoo messenger; don’t need any more excuses to waste time in cyberspace ;-)

  55. speedbudget

    Fictional Queen, I too don’t have Yahoo messenger, but if you are on Google+ I would love to add you to my circles.

    I don’t want to leave my regular email address here as it involves my name, but I do have an address I use occasionally for gaming. Email there if you want to chat anytime. I suffer from depression as well, and it’s worse this time of year. wowgame194 @ gmail.com It might take a day or two for me to check it, but I will get back to you with a real address soon.

    On donkeys, my parents live in horse country in eastern Maryland and the farm that borders them employs donkeys to keep the horses calm. I was there one day when they had just moved a donkey to a new pasture, leaving his friend behind. He spent the whole day loudly mourning.

  56. GMM

    Signed the petition. Did you catch this bit mansplaining from Alan in the why people are signing this section??

    “Mind you, this was not created with serious intent. The intent of those who created this was made as a sick joke & foremost to make people angry over something trivial…”

    “Remember, folks, cooler heads will prevail. Don’t let these trolls (those who created this sub-reddit) get what they want by letting this upset you too much. Just do what’s right, sign the petition if you agree with it, and move on to more important matters at hand.”


  57. GMM


    Has anyone read this amazing article by Eve Enlser called “Over It” on the huffington post? I had to go re-read it after seeing that reddit shit and the pathetic mansplaination in the comments.
    I. am. so. OVER. IT.

  58. Bushfire

    I would expect that the vast majority of radical feminists have depression. It’s the logical response to the world we live in.

  59. janna

    I’m curious about what will happen with this donkey situation. Can you keep us updated, Jill?

  60. Bec

    Oh I do love donkeys, hope you get to bid on them. Once you’ve convinced a donkey you’re cool, it can be quite affectionate. Especially if you feed it apples (speaking from my childhood experience).

  61. Fictional Queen

    Thank you for the support! Blamers are awesome.Of course that’s no news.

  62. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    “Perilous Petting Zoo” (Carpenter) — band name for musically-inclined Blamers on Savage Death Island?

  63. tinfoil hattie

    GMM, I read the Eve Ensler article, and posted it on FB. Of course, only two of my 200 “friends” read it.

  64. speedbudget

    Derp I just realized I hadn’t friended you, tinfoil. Sorry about that!

  65. buttercup

    Read the Eve Ensler thing, despite my disdain for huffpo. The article was terrific and powerful. the comments were polluted with “but what about the men”. How very unsurprising.

  66. Daisy Deadhead

    Thelma and Louise:


    A happy lesbian couple to cheer you all up today! :)

  1. The Donkey Chronicles, Part 2 « I Blame The Patriarchy

    […] Savage Death Island « To whomever is missing 3 donkeys near Rattlesnake, TX […]

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