A propos of asexuality, which, devoted readers will recall, was discussed on this blog as recently as 2005, is the revelation — currently taking the nation by storm! — that Tim Gunn hasn’t had sex in 29 years.
Who the hell is Tim Gunn, you ask?
To answer that question, I must reveal something horrible about myself. But I want you to know that I have navel-gazed my way down the noble path of self-help, and of 12-step platitudes, and have graciously decided to forgive myself for it. Besides, my lawyers have advised me that it’s unlikely I’ll have to do hard time. So what is it already?
I used to watch “Project Runway.”
“Project Runway” is a horrible reality show hosted by supermodel Heidi Klum wherein aspiring fashion designers compete for the opportunity to pimp their line at New York Fashion Week. They all live together, sewing ugly clothes and backstabbing each other as they present a new look for the judges each week. Of course everything about the show endorses femininity, so watching it is like little knives shooting out of the TV into my eyes.
Tim Gunn is the “style guru” who mentors the designers. His prim but lovable ass is the reason I watched this stupid show.
Aside from virginal 40’s film star Loretta Young, Tim Gunn has possibly the most correct posture I have ever seen on a human being. I marvel at his relaxed yet anal-retentive bearing. His internal organs must be marvelously well aligned. His suit is meticulously tailored, his skin cells buffed and radiant, his albino hair just so. When he lovingly enunciates every syllable — “holler at your boy” — a tear springs to my eye. He is truly a freak of nature, the whitest dude on the planet. I’m only human, dammit! I can’t look away!
Anyway, Tim Gunn says he hasn’t done it in 29 years because he hasn’t felt like it, but don’t worry about him, his life is perfectly fine and he feels perfectly fine. He’s fine. Despite his fineness, today there appear in major newspapers pieces on whether or not it is “weird” to feel fine about not fucking everything that moves.
USA Today plays it for laughs — that zany homo! I suspect this is because there isn’t any real data to support the view that Tim Gunn is crazy. USA Today’s expert hasn’t ever heard of anything like his decades-long “dry spell” but agrees that if Gunn is happy, what’s the big whoop? Lack of data, however, doesn’t stop the LA Times from trying to pump up anxiety over some anti-American sexual deviance requiring the intervention of experts. Their shrink diagnoses Gunn as mentally ill because
“It’s not a natural sort of decision, nor is it biological or physiological — we are not wired that way,”
If she were treating him for this “illness,” she says, she would get to the bottom of his debilitating trust issues, for Man Must Boink!
But naturally the burning question is, what does all this mean for straight people?
Good news, heteros!
Gunn’s refreshing honesty nonetheless might come as a relief to many, especially for the 15% to 20% of American couples who are reportedly in “no-sex relationships.”
So I guess one out of five straight people is mentally ill, wired wrong, and unnatural. Or maybe it just dawned on them, as their pubescent hormones began to evaporate into the aether, that sex is overrated, has nothing to do with good health, is annoying or sort of ludicrous, and they’d rather read a book about mushrooms.
In closing, I’d like to thank my supporters for supporting me as I self-accept myself and courageously salute my bravery in fessing up to my “Project Runway” past. I rock.