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Feb 11 2012

Hugs, Twisty: I may have finally found that guest blogger I’ve been looking for

On Fri, Jan 27, 2012 at 4:27 PM, kelly marsh wrote:
Hi,
My name is Kelly Marsh and I am a writer and a blogger. I’m just getting in touch to ask if you’re open to reviewing content from freelance. If so, I’d love to put together a high-quality article written specifically for the site. There is absolutely no charge for this and no strings attached; the only thing I would ask in return is that I’m able to include two do follow links to the sites of my choosing within the article – nothing shady or unethical, just one of the professional businesses I freelance for and I have some ideas that I think your readers would love:

1. Chicken Patriarchy
2. Biblical Patriarchy And The Doctrine Of Federal Representation
3. CORDANI SHOES-MAKE YOUR FEET HAPPY

Do let me know if you’re interested, and if so I can get something written for you over the course of the next few days.
Regards,
Kelly Marsh Blogger & Writer
E-mail: marshmarshkelly@gmail.com

kelly marsh marshmarshkelly@gmail.com to me
Feb 9 (2 days ago)

Hi,  Hope you doing well…:)  It’s a follow up email to you regarding my previous one which I send you couple of days back. But still I didn’t get any reply from your side whether you except guest post or not.

Thanks Kelly Marsh
*********************************************************

Dear Kelly Marsh,

I apologize for having taken so long to get back to you, but as an avid reader of my blog you know how busy a spinster aunt can be.

Your no-strings-attached offer of a high-quality guest post written at absolutely no charge containing random links of your own choosing is of great interest to me. I find I am unable to choose between the 3 exciting options you offer, and wonder if you would consider combining the topics, producing an essay titled “Biblical vs Chicken Patriarchy: Towards a Dialectic of Pedal Equanimity and the Deconstruction of Cultural Culture”?

Please let me know as soon as possible, so that I can leave my blog in your capable hands while I take a Hawaiian vacation.

Hugs, Twisty

40 comments

  1. speedbudget

    I hate the Chicken Patriarchy so much.

  2. M

    Under the circumstances, please may I be excused a lol?

  3. Jessie

    Haha. I would love to see an essay based on the suggested topic. God damn chickens and their patriarchy. I suspected they were behind it all.

  4. Patience Myass

    In fairness, you bring up the beef industry yourself in the FAQs. Can you blame a freelancer for assuming you might also be open to a blistering exposé of the roosters’ abuses? (Pats self on back for eschewing the obvious c**k pun)

  5. Dani Alexis

    I’ve been looking for a good Deconstruction of Cultural Culture for years now. I sincerely hope Ms. Marsh comes through for us.

  6. yttik

    I am the Number One Expert on the Chicken Patriarchy. I have studied and researched the issue extensively. Sadly several roosters have been injured in the process, some fatally.

    From my experiments, I have concluded that being “henpecked” is a real thing. Apparently when a rooster eats more than his fair share and insists on excessively humping all the hens, the flock determines that he is no longer a necessary member of the community and they exterminate him.

    So ends the chicken patriarchy.

  7. Jamie

    The chickens! Federalism doesn’t make sense without that key insight.

    But what I don’t understand is if the chickens wear Cordani, or if they want us to wear Cordani, in order to better orverlord. Why wouldn’t a sadistic chicken want happy feet? On the other hand…

    Perhaps the forthcoming thesis from Ms. Marsh will explain it.

  8. Rashwanton

    My girls are out in the backyard right now loudly protesting the idea that they have anything to do with The P. They simply lay eggs for me and my family every day and… Oh.

  9. Kea

    SPAMBOT IMPERSONATOR warning.

  10. AlienNumber

    I think you should hire him. We need more of the unique male perspective around here!

    Sincerely,
    A Concerned Reader

  11. Comrade PhysioProf

    HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!1111!111!11!1!11!!!

  12. Laura in Rome

    Hey, if you’re now excepting (sic) guest posts, I’ve got some doosies around here just waiting for publication! If you will, “Tortilla drones and patriarchial recombination,” or “Luce Irigaray: Our Beaks Speak Together.” Just thought I’d throw that out there. Get back to me, will you?

  13. stacey

    Well at the very least, it’s introduced me to the term “chicken patriarchy.”

  14. Jessie

    Well, google tells me ‘chicken patriarchy’ is actually a thing.

    “Like a chicken, it won’t let itself be caught. It won’t let itself be pinned down as “bad” because it wraps itself in the language of equality and righteousness. Rather than asserting unabashedly patriarchal arguments for why women should have less ecclesiastical authority than men, it asserts instead that men and women are “different, but equal” while at the same time maintaining the traditional aspects of inequality.”

    I am sure that internet marketer Kelly Marsh will be able to enlighten us on this more and how it relates to uncomfortable shoes!

  15. Friend of Snakes

    I’m fixing Beef Patriarchy as we speak (figuratively, of course – speak, that is). I’m using a marinade of garlic, ginger, soy sauce, lemon juice, sesame oil and something else I forget just now. But here’s the kicker: this beef patriarchy is top quality rib eye steak I got from my monthly charity food pantry visit. Honest. There’s a story in there for sure.

  16. Kathleen

    I KNEW CHICKENS HAD THOSE SHIFTY EYES FOR A REASON.

    ibtcp.

  17. tinfoil hattie

    OHHHH, totally OT but I am so sad: Whitney Houston has died of as yet unpublished causes. IBTP for the miserable turm her life took.

  18. Tara

    chicken eat their young. just sayin’.

  19. Barbara P

    Friend of Snakes:
    Unlike Beef Patriarchy, Chicken Patriarchy is battered and deep fried, with white gravy, like Chicken steak.

  20. Wandering Uterus

    I thought the Chicken Patriarchy referred to the P as imposed by Nice Guys (TM).

    Guess I just don’t have the terminology down yet.

  21. Comrade PhysioProf

    Whitney Houston has died of as yet unpublished causes.

    It is a shame that someone still in the prime of life died, instead of getting to grow old. She was such a talented singer.

  22. ruby

    Come on, chickens are oppressed to, I don’t think we should be speciest when it comes to the plight of chickens or spend a lot of time trying to figure out who has it worse, women or chickens. Oppression is oppression.

  23. Saurs

    Whitney Houston has died of as yet unpublished causes. IBTP for the miserable turm her life took.

    I’m gonna pre-emptively blame the patriarchy for all the horrible, racist, classist, sexist obituaries we’re no doubt gonna have to sift through, featuring photographs of a slightly disheveled, stoned, and probably outrageously happy Houston with captions mocking her as a “crazy” and “angry,” hilarious crack jokes, apologia for Bobby Brown’s violence, and pseudo-sincere and lying musing for her cousin who knew her place and was content to sing for white audiences (why couldn’t Houston be more like heeeeerrrrrrrr?). There will no doubt be comparisons to every living black female musician, and quasi-philosophical speculation as to which of them will end up the same, due entirely to some death wish particular to black people and female people and their shared terrible and weak moral fiber.

    Then in a few years time, there’ll be a biopic, and we’ll have to put up with about twelve more months of this fucking retrograde bullshit, directed both at Houston’s ghost and at the woman or women who play her. All of this will be played as melodrama, like the shitheads who are disparaging her actually care or “feel sorry” for her, when they’ve got the world’s most obvious agenda: making sure we know that whatever horrible things happens to non-white non-male people is entirely their own fault, their own doing, and has nothing to do with institutionalized sexism, racism, and classism, not to mention the fucking pain in the ass it must be having to account for everything you do and say or will do and say to a public that is chomping at the bit for you to fail spectacularly for its own fleeting amusement laden with hefty amounts of schaden.

    Fuuuuuck, IBTP, too.

  24. Sylvie

    There’s no such thing as a free chicken lunch.

  25. Sarah

    Chicken patriarchy is actually a rare variation of chicken cacciatore. Rare, because: Delicious, but deadly.

  26. tinfoil hattie

    Saurs: The WaPo already started. Bobby Brown’s beating the shit out of Houston was referred to as a “tumultuous marriage” and “one complaint of ‘domestic’ violence.” All the other things you said were in the obit, too. Implicitly or obviously.

  27. Phledge

    Saurs, that was some phenomenal blaming. Here in the chicken patriarchy we have such complicated “relationships” with celebrities that range from ennui to stalking, and this woman had to deal with the whole spectrum of pain and pleasure that only a woman of color can experience in that situation. IBTCP.

  28. Phledge

    Oh, I’m sorry, did I say “and pleasure?” My bad, it’s just pain.

  29. damequixote

    @Saurs Yes, this and more will happen when the chickens of patriarchy come home to roost. They will say that Whitney and Bobby were birds of a feather though others will cluck at this assertion. Celebrity death is always good for profits though, and many will use this opportunity to feather their nests. So many will be caught up in this public spectacle I’ll feel like I’m walking on eggshells to avoid arguments with the “patriarchy pleasers” until it’s over. Even in death, a woman can’t catch a beak.

    PS In case anyone needs reminding of what a powerful and gorgeous voice just fell silent, please use the google machine and type in, “Whitney Houston isloated vocal track”. You will find on the Y tube just her vocal of “How Will I know”. Despite the cheesy pop song that it is and the flashback to other times it visited upon me, the SOUND left me breathless.

  30. Twisty

    Just yawned my way through the Grammys, where it was really obvious that nobody wanted to be giving a shit about Whitney Houston but they kept mentioning her beautifulness about every 20 minutes as if they somehow imagined it might be them up there, dead, someday. They made weight loss spokesdieter Jennifer Hudson come out and slog through that horrible Houston (written by Dolly) ballad. Screw Whitney, though, and screw women musicians generally, because although Adele won everything, the big finale was Sir Paul doing the last 5 minutes of “Abbey Road” with Springsteen and Joe Walsh and a few other dude classic rock guitarists. Gak. It was only the bottle of champers/requirement that I feed horses at 10 that kept me awake.

  31. Mujerylegs

    OT enraging/mindboggling/trigger alerting radar blip.

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/feb/12/alleged-rape-victim-arrested-ireland. IBTP that women around the world fear for their safety and well-being at the hands of society and the state itself when they report sexual violence. “Oh, you’re an unhappy member of the sex class? LET ME REMIND YOU OF YOUR PLACE.”

    Also, fuck the system.

  32. Kea

    Snap, Mujerylegs.

  33. Mujerylegs

    But really, WHY would anyone NOT report rape and press charges?

  34. Saurs

    tinfoil hattie, and it’s in the Lifestyle section, of all places, with its jaunty little red font and its emphasis on silly, fleeting, girl-y things, like contraception and rape and dead women and finding a ma-an.

    damequixote, that first paragraph had me wheezing.

    The woman above unfortunate enough to find herself in Ireland made one grievous error after another: being born a woman; being born in dark and deepest “eastern Europe,” which we all know is a fate worse than death; being raped and beaten up; being pregnant while being raped and beaten up, you silly irresponsible woman; not being married while being pregnant while being raped and beaten up; still being alive when your rapists are arrested; trying to commit suicide for fear of reprisal from your rapists; not obeying your Justice when he tells you to do something, like a good little immigrant. All of these things are sins in Ireland. Of course, if she’d been in England none of this would have happened.

  35. speedbudget

    I am so angry about that article. I just don’t even have words.

    It certainly would never happen here in the States, where you can be videotaped being tortured and gang-raped while unconscious and one of your torturers can even send you a text message apologizing for raping you and they will still be found not guilty because you were just faking being unconscious and OF COURSE you wanted burning cigarette butts put in your nether regions, you slut.

    I need some whiskey for my coffee.

  36. Sargassosea

    Bwahaha! “cultural culture”! Thanks Twisty, just what I need this morning.

  37. IBlameRonPaul

    Yah.

    What’s neat-o about the Houston coverage so far is how the Bobby Brown years are glossed over or omitted completely. The tone, as predicted, is one of “damsel in distress had it all, threw it all away herself.”

    Shit.

  38. qvaken

    Famous woman singer dies. Fans remember how angry they were that she stopped giving them her voice which they were entitled to, and how pathetic she was for turning to drugs. Anything else need mentioning here? Nope, got that fully covered.

    Woman is drugged and violently molested, raped and burned by multiple men using multiple objects. Men go to jail, but get shortened sentence because of their “good behaviour” after drugging, gang raping, molesting and burning a person.

    Woman is gang raped and reports it to the police. Woman is arrested for post-traumatic symptoms and fear of repercussions interfering with her willingness to testify right away when she’s told to.

    And I think to myself… What a Wonderful World.

  39. Hattie

    A huge rooster wandered into my friends henhouse, and the girls are plenty excited. This is true. He’ll probably end up in the soup, though.

  40. Annie

    Werner Herzog does not believe in chicken patriarchy, or 40 seconds on the immense stupidity of chickens: http://vimeo.com/9880377

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