«

»

Jul 25 2012

“Pure panic” results in $25 face bungee

Watch More News Videos at ABC

2012 Presidential Election

Entertainment & Celebrity News

This device, invented by a woman suffering the femininity-imposed body dysmorphia typical of all 21st century women over the age of 12 (she was moved to create it “out of pure panic,”) attaches to your hair and stretches out your face. It’s a mini torture-rack for your head. The purported purpose of the face bungee is to “take 10 years off your face.” The actual purpose of the face bungee is to make you feel like something stuck on the bottom of a cheap shoe.

According to the Global Accords Governing Fair Use of Women, it is of paramount importance that all women should endeavor to look ten years younger than they are. If the pursuit of 10-years-youngerness is painful and costs money, so much the better, as the world order depends for its continued stability on the mighty cornerstone of women’s self-loathing. Without self-loathing it would be impossible to coerce women’s boundless contributions to consumerist culture, dude-affirming culture, porn culture, misogynist culture, and the unpaid drudgery of the nuclear family.

But dayum, the heart bleeds for those poor women in the video. They look exactly the same with the face bungee as without it! You just wanna take’em out for a marg and read’em selections from the S.C.U.M Manifesto or something.

92 comments

1 ping

  1. MJ

    This also has great potential for shit-on-a-shoe amplification: no doubt something will have to be done when your glorified rubber band starts pulling your hair out! It never ends.

  2. Stella

    Well, at least Dietrich’s pulled face has been explained.

    Guffaw.

    Sob.

  3. nails

    It will work until the back of your head is the new area to scrutinize.

  4. Juliet

    A pony tail headache and no visible difference! Woot!

  5. Twisty

    I foresee a future for this face bungee in a Louis CK bit about blow jobs.

  6. B. Dagger Lee

    I must be a dyke or something, because I just use duct tape to keep my face wrinkle-free.

  7. Lidon

    Yes, self-loathing is indeed crucial for all of this.

  8. yttik

    And here I thought somebody sneaking up and snapping your bra strap was annoying.

  9. tinfoil hattie

    “The key is really tight braids, I’m told.”

    I just don’t even have the ability to splutter out a comment right now.

  10. Liza

    This cannot be real. But of course, it is.

  11. susanw

    If we do this right, pulling straight back from the brow, we can stretch out the wrinkles and eventually achieve that singular mark of Renaissance feminine beauty, the baby-like domed forehead. They resorted to plucking the hair-line, but this is a less obvious method. Interesting how any advancement women make in education, power and status must be counterbalanced by a more vulnerable appearance.

  12. awhirlinlondon

    Am so glad that I have no idea who Louis CK is.

    Yes, this nonsense has been going on since the day adhesive tape was invented. Before that there was doubtlessly something else. Egg whites, I’m sure, & things I could never imagine post-that as well. But if that’s not enough, arsenic, I’m sure you all will thrill to know, does wonders for the complexion. Keeps it beautifully white. Mix it with chalk and ingest. If you’re an old maid of 27, you’d likely better do both if you want to catch a fellow.

    You’re welcome.

  13. ew_nc

    Ah, and this information is brought to us by that bastion of female empowerfulness, Good Morning America. I would never know how to be female without them!

    It sort of reminds me of that 19th century torture device, the corset. Except this one is for your head. Mostly it’s just fucken weird.

    I never know whether to laugh or cry when I see these products. I guess I’ll decide that when I see it in the 99cent clearance bin.

  14. gingerest

    I stopped the video and squinted and I really can’t see any difference. So Emperor, how’s that new wardrobe working out for you?
    Not that it matters, because if you can’t attain the unachievable moving-goalposts Fuckability Standard, what matters is you show you are suffering in your attempts. Urgh.

  15. ElizaN

    I can’t even imagine wanting to look younger. I don’t know exactly when “old enough to become invisible” hits, but I’m already planning the party.

  16. KittyWrangler

    Temples are for massaging, not torturing.

    Thank gawd I’m not the only one who noticed absolutely no difference in their faces.

    @susanw – I’ve heard of the Renaissance practice of plucking the hairline but I’d read (somewhere, a long time ago) that it was supposed to make them look “wise.” Is it more commonly agreed upon that it was for a childish look?

  17. Passerine

    Why do so many feminists like Louis CK so much? Is it just funfems who love him so? Somebody please explain! Sorry to be off topic, Twisty, but you brought him up.

  18. jenicillin

    Wow! Just imagine if one could somehow combine this with a bra and some pulleys and use it to lift your breasts while at the same time having them function as counterweights to keep your facial skin pulled back. I am envisioning a whole corset-based structure, with hydraulics and a remote control. The remote would, of course, be in the possession of whatever man happened to be in the area.

  19. susanw

    A feminist reading of beauty performance is probably never commonly agreed upon (don’t we know it!), but the aggregate of women’s cosmetic practices in the Middle Ages and the Renaissance indicates a preference for youth and privilege. For men, privilege was enough, but women always are valued for youth The lightened hair and skin, and plucked brows and hairline suggest the desirability of a child-like appearance. The goal hasn’t changed, just the standards of the day.

  20. Twisty

    “Why do so many feminists like Louis CK so much?”

    I was unaware that feminists like Louis CK. He is obsessed with his dick so naturally I find him repulsive in the extreme, yet yesterday I watched 15 minutes of his sitcom with a sort of morbid fascination as some slutty old drunk broad smashes his head into the window of her pickup because he won’t go down on her. I didn’t even know what to think about that, beyond “yikes!”

  21. yttik

    Am I the only one who thought a “face bungee” sounded a lot like a “face plant” and was afraid to click that video?

  22. BK

    So. Damn. Depressing.

  23. Adrian

    @yttik – NO. You are not. I was thinking a face plant from 25 feet, or something…

    I am thankful to have been raised with my mother’s outlook. She was happy when she started getting wrinkles and grey hair because she said people took her more seriously. I’m getting wrinkles of my own now and have no desire to do anything with them, certainly not involving putting rubber bands on my head.

  24. c2t2

    Count me as another one who kept rewinding the video, trying to see ANY difference between the befores and afters. Maybe it’s noticeable in hi-def? Otherwise, I’m just bemused.

    Then again, “beauty products that don’t work” is redundant.

  25. Susan

    I also couldn’t see a difference in the before and afters.
    Also, I never watch morning TV. Are all the shows just ads for products?

    Off topic: I like Louis CK because he does some really funny bits about his kids and because he has some pithy insights about modernity. I don’t really like situation comedies but I like his because it is original in the way it is plotted (or not) and in the way it is cut. There’s a lot I don’t like about him too. Twisty, you’re totally right that he is obsessed with his junk.

  26. nails

    I liked louis CK but I stopped watching him after ToshGate (and his totally shit reaction to it). Louis CK has a lot of good material about economic privilege and parenting. He is just genuinely good at stand up comedy (good delivery, comes up with tons of material, etc). I appreciate that as a fan of the medium.

    A lot of people think he is really smart or something, which is weird, but I guess he passes for smart compared to the knuckle dragging standard of most stand up comedy.

  27. L

    I used to enjoy Louis CK but one day watching his act I realized I can only laugh at so many jokes about hating your children. I feel like he’s just repeating himself at this point in both his material and his show. I could see funfems liking CK to prove to hipster dudes that they are cool and fuckable and also because he has a bit poking fun at white male privilege. I am also absolutely tired of the way internet writers/white dudes are falling all over CK like he’s just the most brilliant, hilarious artiste ever, when his show is constantly delivering diminishing returns. I only watched a few minutes of an episode this season to see the ever delightful Maria Bamford.

  28. goblinbee

    B. Dagger Lee: “I must be a dyke or something, because I just use duct tape to keep my face wrinkle-free.”

    jenicillin: “Just imagine if one could somehow combine this with a bra and some pulleys and use it to lift your breasts while at the same time having them function as counterweights to keep your facial skin pulled back.”

    These two lines were so funny; I was snorting.

  29. KristalC

    Please don’t employ this method to reduce the costs of labioplasty! *sigh* I wish we could break every mirror ever until the patriarchy ceases to exist at least it’d be a temporary solution.

  30. Leisha Kivlin

    You’re right to say that without women’s self-loathing, products like this would never make any money. They’d likely be viewed with a mixture of horror and amusement that anyone could come up with such a ridiculous idea (that, as seen, doesn’t even work!) and expect it to be marketable.

    What would the world be like if all the time and energy and thought that so many women feel compelled to sacrifice at the altar of the Beauty Mandate were given to other pursuits? To improving the self in ways that impacted positively upon self-concept and could lead from strength to strength, chasing self-actualization instead of fighting a losing battle against the physical signs of years lived?

    I can dream.

    One of the questions that’s fun (for a given definition of fun) to pose in view of such pointless products is whether a man would ever be expected to buy or use them. Easy way to see if something’s actually useful or just another trapping (and I use the word deliberately) of femininity.

  31. Random Anomaly

    What the hell is a “ponytail headache”? I’ve had a ponytail for over 25 years and never experienced one.
    Also, many people look 10 years younger when they don’t wear makeup, but for some reason it’s never caught on as an anti-aging treatment.

  32. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    Tell me quick: When will they invent the butt bungee? For those of us who are panic-stricken at the sight of our sagging buttocks? And just lately I overheard one of my co-workers bemoaning her sagging knee-caps. Is there any single part of me that isn’t in mortal peril of droopage brought on by creeping, insidious decrepitude?

  33. Lovepug

    Yes! The Ponytail Headache! I get them because I have insane, thick hair that weighs about 5000 pounds. I can only do a ponytail for a few hours usually.

    I recommend to the Face Bungee entrepeneur that next time she gets such a panic, she should just take a Xanax and spare us all.

    That might be a good remedy for Louis CK too. Although I think the best remedy is to watch some Eddie Izzard standup or some Rosie O’Donnell from back in the day. Before she did her talk show, she did some pretty wicked funny stuff. And for dissing children, nothing beats Rita Rudner’s standup routine about the mistake of playing peekaboo with the child sitting behind her on a plane.

  34. Friend of Snakes

    Twisty said:

    …yesterday I watched 15 minutes of his sitcom with a sort of morbid fascination as some slutty old drunk broad smashes his head into the window of her pickup because he won’t go down on her.

    I howled at this, but wonder if you are setting yourself up for another “cuntalina” brouhaha. I bought an extra-large bottle of premium popcorn yesterday, so am prepared, perhaps even relishing the possibility.

  35. Twisty

    “Also, many people look 10 years younger when they don’t wear makeup, but for some reason it’s never caught on as an anti-aging treatment.”

    Ain’t that the truth. An elderly lady of my acquaintance who some years ago enjoyed the pleasure of giving birth to me clings with a death-grip to makeup techniques she acquired in the 70s and 80s. This involves dark, dried-blood colored lipstick, lip liner in a seemingly unrelated hue, and this sort of thick beige spackle. She’s a bit old, so sometimes she does the lip liner and forgets to fill it in with the dark blood lipstick, or she gets the outline a little weird for a clown effect. And the beige line stops abruptly at her jawline. My sibling Tidy and I spent 20 years begging her to tone this shit down, but apparently she has been conditioned to despise her actual face so much she’d rather go around looking like someone whose face got slashed with a razor 4 days ago. Nowadays Tidy and I just put a sock in it, since it began to feel abusive to keep badgering her about her appearance. In the morning she looks like a nice old lady, but after breakfast she morphs into the Joker.

  36. Twisty

    “I howled at this, but wonder if you are setting yourself up for another “cuntalina” brouhaha. I bought an extra-large bottle of premium popcorn yesterday, so am prepared, perhaps even relishing the possibility”

    You mean because I used the words “slutty old broad”? Ha, you’re right. The epithet cops are totally gonna pull me over for that, just as sure as if I’d said “red-headed stepchild.” I certainly deserve a sound thrashing for it. Obviously I’m no better than Louis CK myself. I am an antifeminist pig.

    Ah, Cuntalinagate. Those were the days.

  37. Lise Berghagen

    What will be the next horrible tool insecure women will use to please society and men?

    It makes so angry.

  38. Friend of Snakes

    Dog damn, I despise sounding like such a suck-up, but Twisty’s paragraph about her dear old ma is pure Twisty gold, nay platinum.

  39. Jen

    I sure hope a labia minora bungee is next! Pulling mine back in pigtails every day is giving me a crotch-ache.

  40. buttercup

    My two spinster aunts (the two that I named my daughters for) eschewed makeup their whole lives and both had outstandingly youthful appearances until great old age. The most either wore was the occasional smudge of lipstick. One passed at 92 and the other at 89 and both looked in their late 60s/early 70s.

    Can’t put that in a bottle and sell it, though. Can’t attach it to rubber bands either.

    I first saw the face bungee trick on Ru Paul’s Drag U, when one of the drag queens youthened the appearance of her sad lady using strips of transparent tape and elasticized clips. The sad lady was in her late 50s if I recall correctly. It did make a difference, but was only meant to be on her face for an hour or two.

  41. goblinbee

    Jen:”I sure hope a labia minora bungee is next! Pulling mine back in pigtails every day is giving me a crotch-ache.”

    Thanks for another laugh out loud!

    As for ponytail headaches, I’ve had my share, mostly when I was younger and other people were putting in the ponytail. There is a way to position it just right, but ya gotta do it yourself.

  42. KittyWrangler

    @Antoinette re: butt bungees

    I’m sorry to inform you that it exists, though not in bungee form.

    My Spanish class in high school used to get a Spanish language magazine to encourage us to learn through pop culture. Anyway, in the back pages of every issue there was a spectacular ad for butt-lifting ladies’ briefs, featuring tight stretchy shorts with holes cut out for each butt cheek. The idea was that the cheeks would be squeezed up and out of the holes in the fabric.

    Alternatively, also in this magazine, they advertised an additive approach: padded underwear. It was for small-cheeked ladies (and, I suppose, gentlemen), but they made sure to propose that saggy-cheeked ladies also use it to balance out the sagginess with some added perkiness.

    And then, of course, Spanx.

  43. stacey

    Twisty, does your mom also relentlessly dye her hair?

    My mom is of the same makeup practice. And she always blamed pregnancy for her hair falling out, and not the non-stop perm-and-dye jobs of the 80s. I remember her gleefully cackling that I’d lose my hair after my kid arrived; of course, I maintained my luxurious locks.

    Ah, my poor mum. I don’t think she’s worn any underwear other than control-top panties for over 30 years.

  44. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    @KittyWrangler: I’ve seen magazines like those! The father of a fella I dated when I was sixteen was a mailman. (And a boner-popping perv.) He used to save up Frederick’s of Hollywood catalogs for me. They advertised butt-pants, among other things, lard love a duck.

  45. nails

    @kitty wrangler

    Sounds like its based on observations involving sausage casings. Just like spanx.

  46. stacey

    Sorry for the double posting, friends, but I must propose a brilliant two-birds-with-one-stone idea, which is to attach bungee to one temple, run the line over your shoulder and wrap under buttocks, then up to the next temple and secure. Presto!

  47. KittyWrangler

    @Stacey
    Oh yeah, you could just grow your hair out and fluff it up, that would cover those bungees right up. Of course then your face wrinkles would switch from side to side as you take steps.

  48. erinyes

    Face torture – because it isn’t enough to pornify yourself with itchy eye makeup and unnaturally red lipstick that’ll chap your chops by the end of the night. Giving up makeup (with few exceptions) is one of the best things in life. Now most of the pain endured comes from rock climbing with my girlfriends. Until the bro-dudes show up. Thankfully they usually leave us alone if there are more than two of us. Still, few things beat the uplifting feeling of belaying and pointedly ignoring everything a dude says in favor of not dropping someone who is climbing 20′+ above you.

    One of my older friends recently got the padded butt underwear, but only because she thought they’d make it more comfortable to sit for long hours at her work. Meanwhile, I found my first grey hair last week and opted not to yank it outta my skull.

  49. tinfoil hattie

    Hmm. “Slutty old drunk broad” seems an apt description of the way a Louis CK episode would depict a woman.

    “I used to enjoy Louis CK but one day watching his act I realized I can only laugh at so many jokes about hating your children.”

    This. And his children are girls, woe unto them.

    One of his sitcom episodes showed him and his poker buddies nagging their one gay dude friend to tell them about gay sex. And Louis CK asks him if he minds the word “faggot.” Gay dude says he totaly gets why it’s funny, but then delivers a heartfelt story about the meaning of faggot and flaming faggot (gay men used to be burned, too, but they didn’t get to be burned AT A STAKE, LIKE WOMEN) , and this of course makes all the other dude comics get all frowny-faced and sober with the revelation. “So by all means use the word,” gay dude says, “but realize where it comes from and that every gay guy you know has heard that word while being (tortured by straight dudes in some way).”

    And they don’t even get the irony.

    At another point, Louis CK’s character reunites with a girl he liked in HS, and she of course lives in a slovenly, crappy house and is (surprise!) fat. He makes out with her, and immediately after, a la Seinfeld in a stand-up routine, chuckles about how he’d have sex with ANYTHING. Animals, even! Unspoken: So don’t judge me for fucking a big old slobby fatty!

    So that’s why dudes love him so. Not because he’s edgy or new, but because he preserves the status quo. “Hey, here comes a brand NEW guy saying the exact same thing! See, we’re RIGHT about women! Bitches.”

  50. sjaustin

    It’s really bizarre that women care so much about how they look for weddings – other people’s weddings in particular. Also interesting that women aren’t supposed to look “tired and stressed,” despite the fact that we’re expected to take care of everyone but ourselves, which naturally tends to result in being tired and stressed.

  51. llr

    @ElizaN At 53, after a bout of chemo and menopause, I realized the other day that I am invisible. My god is it freeing!

  52. Jen

    In a sea of dick-obsessed patriarchy-TV (which is almost all TV), Louie is at least often funny and sometimes moving. I don’t find the show to be feministically enlightening, but I do enjoy depression-comedy. I enjoy that Louie (the character) does not “get the girl,” and that his only victories come in the form of trying to be a good comic or trying to be a good dad. I enjoy that the show is mostly about failures, and that the only happiness the character finds is some warped version of it. I relate to that.

    I do think that on the dude scale, Louis CK is about average, and maybe even more toward the generally tolerant side. It seems like this may allow him to pull more extreme dudely-dudes in that direction by putting tolerance bombs in beer and pizza-shaped packages. I, personally, know a dude who somehow knew about zero of the history of the word faggot or why it is so hateful until he saw that episode of Louie. Some dudes have never seen a dude in the media say something like, “It must be hard to be a girl in New York because as soon as you’re nice to a guy, he just torpedos toward your vagina.” Obviously, it is not groundbreaking for feminists–or for any woman–that is hard to be a girl or woman because of the one million reasons, but this, too, might be informative for some dude somewhere.

    Perhaps I am being a Louis CK apologist. And if that upsets someone, let me be the first to apologize for apologizing. Also, let me be clear that I think he is just as perverted by (both willful and unconscious) participation in patriarchy as every other dude, but there is something about Louie’s (the character’s) I-am-disgusting-men-are-disgusting honesty, the absurdity and desperation of his sex/love life, and his observant loser-ness that makes me want to watch.

  53. Bushfire

    Sometimes I actually consider buying spanx, because my stomach sticks out and I’ve been asked if I was pregnant TWICE. (There is of course no baby in there.) And I have to remind myself that a flat stomach is not a reality and it is meaningless to try and get cookies from the patriarchy. But oh how I want those cookies!

  54. tinfoil hattie

    Nigel Jr was once waiting patiently for me to pay for purchases at the local Fat-Lady Emporium, and as we walked out, he asked: “Okay. What the hell kind of a sexist-assed thing is a ‘Spanx’?”

  55. tinfoil hattie

    @ Jen: I watch, and laugh at, many imperfectly feminist things. I would hazard, however, that lots and lots of dudes have no idea how many women have been burned to death throughout the centuries, never mind that they were “luckier” than gay men who didn’t even get to be tied to a stake first.

  56. josquin

    I don’t concur that being “invisible” is freeing. Although I am no longer “hott”, and do not have mens chasing me down the street like a barking dog chasing after a slow moving car, I still notice the condescension, the dismissal, and the fact of being ignored when I am trying to engage the attention of someone for some necessary errand. It’s tiring and annoying in its own way.
    I tried one of those stomach-flattening garments once. I almost had a full-blown panic attack with that godawful torture device on. The thing had me in its grip like some some devil python from hell. I ripped it off of me (and it was quite a struggle to get out of that contraption) after about 10 minutes.

  57. gayle

    My granny never had wrinkles. When I asked her why she told me “Its easy! I’m fat! Fat people don’t get many wrinkles. Our skin stays good and tight.”

    Something to think about! Forget the facelifts; eat more cheesecake!

  58. yttik

    Ha! So true, Gayle. Plump those wrinkles up with a piece of cheesecake! Something else fat people usually don’t have to deal with is osteoporosis. You just don’t get brittle bones if you’re packing around extra weight. I know women are supposed to believe that the worse thing about aging is wrinkles, but really, broken hips are much worse.

  59. gingerest

    Like josquin, I am unhappy with the invisibility. Truly, I don’t miss being a sex object, but the nullification is depressing, especially when I’m trying to get shit done.
    I used to have Ponytail Headache, because apparently I have an especially tender scalp (or possibly I am a big whiner) and now I wear my hair down all the time to piss off people who think I’m too old for long wavy locks.
    As to wrinkles – the worst thing about goddamn aging is that you outlive your joints and your goddamn teeth. Infinite are the shits I do not give about wrinkles.

  60. Doctress Juu'ulia

    ‘I still notice the condescension, the dismissal, and the fact of being ignored when I am trying to engage the attention of someone for some necessary errand. It’s tiring and annoying in its own way.’ josquin

    ‘Truly, I don’t miss being a sex object, but the nullification is depressing, especially when I’m trying to get shit done.’ gingerest

    I’m getting that now that I’m an “Old Drunk Bitch” (thanks, last boyfriend I’ll ever, ever have!). Men are DISMISSIVE DICKS to me. UGH.

    Please tell me more about this ‘nullification’, I’d like to compare notes… thanks.

  61. Melinda

    That “slutty old drunk broad” in the Louis C.K. episode was played by Melissa Leo, in a brilliant and disturbing exploration of sexual double standards, hypocrisy, and men’s sense of entitlement.

  62. minervaK

    What really chaps my biscuits about shit like this is that, inevitably, women will be blamed for its existence — “Oh my gawd, lookit what those stupid bitches are doing to try and make themselves attractive to us now! Har, har, what pathetic losers!”

    The revolution, it can’t come soon enough.

  63. Doctress Ju'uulia

    Louis CK? Eh. I don’t think most men are very funny… they seem mostly cruel.

    Am I in moderation…?

  64. Doctress Ju'ulia

    I meant what I said in my disappeared comment… please tell me about feeling nullified and dismissed? I am getting more and more of that, and I just wanted to hear more specifics… gingerest, josquin, any of your observations would help me grok this better… thanks…

  65. Friend of Snakes

    Melinda said:

    That “slutty old drunk broad” in the Louis C.K. episode was played by Melissa Leo, in a brilliant and disturbing exploration of sexual double standards, hypocrisy, and men’s sense of entitlement.

    Ah, another actor I had a big crush on in olden times. Leo made it possible for me to watch Homicide: Life in the Streets. If anyone wants to see a clear-eyed film about poverty, no-account men and strong women doing whatever it takes see Frozen River. Leo actually got some recognition for this one. Also scary wonderful in the The Fighter. I guess if there needs to be another tie in to the subject of the thread, it would be that Melissa Leo has always seemed to wear her wrinkles easily on screen.

  66. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    I propose that someone with more creative flair than me write a poem/song: “Infinite Are the Shits I Give Not”. Thanks, Gingerest!

  67. stacey

    …Of course then your face wrinkles would switch from side to side as you take steps.

    At the risk of being anti-feminist, let me point out that KittyWranger is HYSTERICALLY funny.

    So design modification: pass the middle of the bungee under one’s boobs, and the ends over the *top* of one’s head and then attach to temples. (But there’s the problem of looking happy/sad/happy/sad when running for the bus, however it’s better than alternately winking at people while walking down the street.)

  68. KittyWrangler

    HA!
    Ok Stacey, how about this: attach one end of the bungee to your braided hair by your ears, run it down and secure it to your braided armpit hair, THEN under right boob, left butt cheek, right butt cheek, left boob, secure it to the other braided armpit, then back up to the other side of your face. Your features are stationary– as long as you don’t move your shoulders– and each breast is counterbalanced by a butt cheek as you shift weight. TA-DA!

    PS: I think I can “fix” Antoinette’s friend’s sagging kneecap issue too, but she’s going to have to braid her pubes.

  69. Stella

    Twisty, are you my long-lost sister?

    My mother does the exact same “beauty” routine. She has also been subsisting on SlimFast bars, Diet Pepsi, and Capri 120 menthols for the past 35 years.

    More sobs.

  70. tinfoil hattie

    @Friend of Snakes: Yes, yes, YES re: Frozen River. A great (if by “great” you understand that I mean, “depressing, truthful, non-porny, and told from the viewpoint of disenfranchised women”) movie!

  71. nails

    I wish my mom had a make up based routine. SHe opted to get acid poured on her face a couple years ago to burn the wrinkles off of it instead. Warped.

  72. SUSANW

    KittyWrangler is KILLING me! If I get fired for laughing too loudly at work, it’s your fault KW.

  73. amrit donaldson

    Okay, I don’t mean to try to hijack a thread, but this article is driving me insane. When not defending chaste white maidens, the sanctity of marriage and the convenience of enforced pregnancy, the Promise Keepers love a good lap dance. Especially one by a Sarah Palin look-a-like.

    I can see assholes from my window…

    http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/27/us/strip-clubs-in-tampa-are-ready-to-cash-in-on-gop-convention.html?_r=1&smid=fb-share

  74. Margaret

    That article about Tampa strip clubs contains proof of many subjects discussed here: Republican or Democrat, all agree on the Global Accords Governing Fair Use of Women. Promise Keepers: well, we always knew they were in on it in a big way. And, women discovering that they can make more money the more they demonstrate capitulation to the patriarchy is nothing new. The economic pressures on women ensure a constant supply of women “willing” to do this as if it would a freely chosen choice if there were well paying alternatives. I hope that this young woman survives the patriarchal coercion and joins the blamers.

  75. yttik

    I looked like I was wearing a face bungee while watching the opening ceremonies last night.

  76. Notorious Ph.D.

    Here at fancy-ass academic seminar, I had my section of the lunch table howling with laughter when I passed on the news of this new invention. We then sat around trying to think up better things that the term “face bungee” might describe. Since all of us are frequently in front of classes of college students trying not to nod off, we decided that the term could be applied to that thing you do when you fall asleep sitting up, your melon passes the point of equilibrium, begins to fall forward, then bounces back upright as the fall suddenly wakes you. “As in, ‘Dude, professor Notorious’ lecture was so dull that I face-bungeed three times in class today.”

  77. goblinbee@hotmail.com

    Notorious Ph.D.: “As in, ‘Dude, professor Notorious’ lecture was so dull that I face-bungeed three times in class today.”

    Hilarious! This thread is one of the funniest ever. Thanks for all the laughs, blamers!

  78. qvaken

    People who are funny: B. Dagger Lee, awhirlinlondon, ew_nc, jenicillin, Antoinette, Jen, stacey, KittyWrangler, and anyone who I forgot. People who are not funny: Louis CK. I just. I don’t get it. He’s not funny. Regardless of my face’s crookedness at any given moment, you’d just have to put on a video of Louis CK and it would straighten right up and stay that way. Comedy-wise, he equals exactly nothing.

  79. Jen

    @Tinfoilhattie Re: “I watch, and laugh at, many imperfectly feminist things. I would hazard, however, that lots and lots of dudes have no idea how many women have been burned to death throughout the centuries, never mind that they were “luckier” than gay men who didn’t even get to be tied to a stake first.”

    Truth! Also, just as a reminder: Those historical women must have done something to deserve it. All women are secretly evil, and fire is a great purifier (also, white wedding dresses, douching, confession, etc.).

    @qvaken Thanks for the compliment. I’d like to add our hero, Twisty, to the funny people list.

    Two days ago, I watched Jon Stewart’s interview with Louis CK, and it was very unfunny and disturbing. I think Stewart wanted to end it by putting him in a headlock.

    On humor: One reason I prefer this blog above all others is that Twisty and the commentariat are wickedly (see earlier note about evil) smart and funny. I’ve been reflecting on this and thinking about how a shared value system is the basis for understanding and enjoying jokes.

    The problem with many patriarchal comedians is that they are making disturbing assumptions about the value system of the audience. For example, in order to laugh, we have to agree that wives are volatile, women’s worth is measured in sexiness, the clitoris is imaginary, etc. If we don’t agree on the underlying assumption, we don’t find the joke to be funny. Thus, people think that women in general, and especially feminists, have no sense of humor and, thus, are unable to make jokes. False.

    Feminism is actually wonderful comedy fodder; people love jokes that “tell the truth.” Misogyny is absurd, and pointing that out generates endless material. I would love to see more funny feminist movies, shows and stand-up. I think the audience is there, or can be created.

  80. gingerest

    About nullification: I don’t have any pithy anecdotes (yet – I’m sure they’ll come with time) but a few years ago, I started to notice that people literally didn’t seem to see me at all in public spaces. Like, I’ll have to dodge to avoid getting bowled over by people coming towards me on the sidewalk. Or I’m on public transportation and some people will sit down and lean around and shout their conversation around me like I’m not there.
    It’s more noticeable when it’s something like trying to get a bartender’s attention in a place that skews to young singles, but it’s there all the time, and when I watch older women negotiate the world, it’s clear this is only going to get worse.
    I have of late been dwelling on the fact that I would be all over surgery or whatever that returned the physical advantages of youth – strength, resiliency, stamina, more years ahead of me than behind – but fretting about looking younger while l keep falling into decrepitude seems like a serious misdirection of energy. Sure, you can bounce a quarter off Donatella Versace’s upper lip, but I bet her knees and back sound like a snare drum solo when she gets out of bed in the morning.

  81. tmi

    I’m a bad poet, but I’m currently slightly bored:

    Infinite are the shits I give not,
    about what random dudes on the bus thought.
    I’ll wear shirts without sleeves,
    pit hair to the breeze,
    since the bus is really quite hot.

    (Which is unfair; it’s actually pleasant enough just now!)

    On the subject of amusing but non-feminist media, I’ve been reading the webcomic Sinfest for quite a while now. Recently, the artist/writer’s been making some pretty radical-feminism type comics, including ones that are essentially condemning and regretting earlier strips. It’s been interesting (hilarious!) seeing the complaints on the lj feed.

  82. stacey

    Something just clicked for me; “infinite are the shits I give not” is how I manage myself in public, and as a result, I don’t feel “erased” as a 43-yr-old. My before-motherhood public persona was eyes-down, frowny-faced busy woman, and being forced to interact with strangers (because of my socially-outgoing son) made me ease up and relax about how I presented (or defended) myself to others. It’s hard to be self-contained when your two-yr-old is yelling, “MOMMY WHERE’S YOUR PENIS?” in the bathroom stall.

    I probably now present as Dangerously Cheerful and Relentlessly Polite Lady, with a big unnerving smile. I talk to myself in public (“Hmm, now what floor is that on?”) or march into a store and tell the first person I find, “O hai, do u have size 8 cotton pants 4 boyz? He’s totes skinny for his age, but he’s really tall and so we need BIIIIIIG hems so they’ll be long enough!” People find that hard to ignore.

  83. qvaken

    I must be the only feminist alive who viewed those comics which were “condemning and regretting earlier strips” as an antifeminist slap in the face. You see, just over a week before those comics appeared I had e-mailed the artist wondering what was the deal with the extreme misogyny and racism in the earlier comics, and seeing as he’s obviously changed his views, would he consider putting a denouncing disclaimer onto those oldies and baddies. Then up pops a comic of a woman shoving a contract in a cartoonist’s face telling him to sell his soul for “fangirls”, and a second comic of that cartoonist tearing up the contract and recovering from the brief interruption (and bearing the tagline “Breaking the Chains”, no less).

    And NOBODY agrees with my interpretation that those two comics were antifeminist. NOBODY.

    But I like your poem and I think that you’re a good poet and I think that you should write more poetry.

  84. Saurs

    qvaken, in addition to looking awful and having almost no discernible content in the best of times, Sinfest rubs me the wrong way. Always has. And those particular strips you mention (“fan girls” indeed) especially so. I’m always wary of self-professed feminist doods who think disparaging one or another feminist wave* or school of thought proves their bona fides. It smacks of cookie-mongering with a helpful side of pitting one group of women against another for dude’s own benefit. Guy is demonstrably not a feminist in any meaningful way apart from occasionally stating he is (without proof) or misapplying feminist concepts in order to make some secondary, often confusing, point.

    * the demerits of the Third Wave, aside, I don’t like male outsiders dismissing them as funfem ninnies and in strawfeminist fashion mocking hyphenated identities and intersections as though they are merely academic theories rather than lived experiences. “Sex positive” is almost always a misnomer, but there’s something to be said for the way in which the sex poz folk have normalized concepts like slut-shaming such that it’s verboten to slut shame even outside feminist contexts.

  85. Amanita

    It’s become obvious to me by reading this thread that the cosmetics industry is aware of the phenomena where women actually look younger and healthier without make-up and that limited make-up use leads to a sustained youthful appearance (or more precisely, make-up use leads to more rapid aging) a la Buttercup’s aunts. This in turn makes it easier to sell us anti-aging and youthifying products later in life, and of course, keeps us firmly in the patriarchy’s grasp. Not that it’s new news that the cosmetics industry is evil and is more than happy to poison us psychologically and physically to make a buck or two. This practice is 100 percent contrived and intentional! I’m not just a paranoid conspiracy theorist, right?! It’s more likely that you all realized this long ago and I’m just behind.

  86. Amanita

    It’s become obvious to me by reading this thread that the cosmetics industry is aware of the phenomena where women actually look younger and healthier without make-up and that limited make-up use leads to a sustained youthful appearance (or more precisely, make-up use leads to more rapid aging) a la Buttercup’s aunts. They convince us that we need make-up when we’re young, and this in turn makes it easier to sell us anti-aging and youthifying products later in life, and of course, keeps us firmly in the patriarchy’s grasp. Not that it’s new news that the cosmetics industry is evil and is more than happy to poison us psychologically and physically to make a buck or two. This practice is 100 percent contrived and intentional! I’m not just a paranoid conspiracy theorist, right?! It’s more likely that you all realized this long ago and I’m just behind.

  87. lizor

    @Jen

    “The problem with many patriarchal comedians is that they are making disturbing assumptions about the value system of the audience. For example, in order to laugh, we have to agree that wives are volatile, women’s worth is measured in sexiness, the clitoris is imaginary, etc. If we don’t agree on the underlying assumption, we don’t find the joke to be funny. Thus, people think that women in general, and especially feminists, have no sense of humor and, thus, are unable to make jokes. False.”

    Thanks for that.

    @ Amanita – conspiracy theorist, no. I think you are stating the obvious, but consistently collectively denied facts.

  88. madspinster

    Re nullification. The invisibility part is easy enough to understand. If you are not supposed to exist, then why would anyone see you. Unfortunately, there are more extreme forms of nullification, where everything you have ever achieved is dismissed by all the men you actually know. As you know, the sexay younguns are better to look at in the office, and of course you’re to blame for every problem you ever had. Of course you deserve to starve to death, cut out of the world by pay walls everywhere, so stop your whining. Hard facts don’t get in the way of nullification, because one can pick and choose facts.

  89. Barbara P

    The pizza guy’s opinion of my bra-less saggy boobs,
    Greying hair on head (or hair on armpits, legs and pubes),
    The feelings of a man who says he “loves a woman’s form”,
    (Even though he’d never really tolerate the norm),
    House that goes to hell ’cause I’ll not take on more than half,
    Infinite are the shits that I simply do not have!

    A vicitm-blamer’s thoughts on what a woman wants to wear,
    Whether a bikini or a cover for her hair,
    The god of the Bible’s moral judgment of my life,
    Meeting double standards as a mother or a wife,
    The kids eat junky food and are wearing mismatched socks,
    Infinite are the shits that I just give not!

    A precious “bottom line” when it brings harm to just one soul,
    The results of any sort of “fat or not?” poll,
    Timely posting of this poem,
    And whether or not it’s really patterned properly or the meter makes any sense or even if it completely rhymes,
    When I have a life to live,
    Infinite are the shits that I do not give!

  90. tmi

    Barbara P, you are my heroine.

  91. gingerest

    Goosebumps, Barbara P, goosebumps. You and tmi have taken my smart-assery and crafted it into songs for the ages.

  92. Barbara P

    Well, gingerest, that line was poetry in itself, and mine just the fan-fiction to your original inspiraion.

    I plan to say “Infinite are the shits I do not give” in real life, when the occasion arises. You never know, it might even become a common catch-phrase! Years from now, I picture some hapless linguist searching for its origin, and finding it here, on beautiful Savage Death Island.

  1. Quote of the day: Sacrifice at the Altar of Beauty « Exiled Stardust

    [...] Leisha Kivlin, commenting on this thread at I Blame The [...]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>