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Sep 20 2013

Spinster aunt busts move, sprains booty

Dutch dancersIf you must know, I have been benched in a freak twerking accident.

Because it really chaps the spinster hide when perfectly reasonable behaviors are fetishexualized by the megatheopornocorporatocracy, I had planned to write a fairly epic blogular tirade about how butt-wagging is objectively an awesome pastime that, absent the ubiquitous pornsick male gaze, is in fact about as titillating as the wooden shoe dancers at Tulip Time. However, because of my grievous injury, the world will just have to wait for my incisive remarks.

[Sidebar: in case I haven't mentioned it lately, la revolución will effectively wipe out the fetishization of women's oppression, which in turn will end pornography, prostitution, rape, and the vilification of women who twerk. Until that happy time, twerking enthusiasts, like any women who do anything under a world order which consigns them to a sex class, will face sexobjectification and gross misogyny.

For more on how feminist revolt will fix everything that's wrong with human society, see Shulamith Firestone.]

Anyway, before I break out the ice pack, let me just say that I’ve been getting pretty annoyed by the nattering nabobs of negativism who in recent weeks have been so tiresome on the subject of twerking. Like all dance moves performed by women, twerking has been generally promoted as the final nail in the coffin of Western civilization.

As if.

The final nail in the coffin of Western civilization is Western civilization. And Northern, Southern, and Eastern civilization, too. Known on Savage Death Island as the culture of domination, “civilization” has contained the seeds of its own destruction since waaaay before the advent of the modern twerking menace. Thse seeds have already generated untold suffering in the shape of racism, misogyny, religion, colonialism, paternalism, factory farms, capitalism, global warming, super-bacteria, homophobia, Monsanto, fashion, massive wildlife die-offs, pollution, femininity, carcinogens, NRA, nukes, Facebook, Internet porn, cable news, $699.99 iPhones, government spy agencies, sarin gas, the unecessarily crappy food at the Creek Road Cafe in Dripping Springs TX, waxy yellow buildup, and anti-twerkism. No species can survive the incessant onslaught of these combined self-imposed afflictions indefinitely.

How to survive the next millennium? Give up the fetishization of dominance. Just give it up! You know those liberal dudes who are always dragging the goddam bonobos into it, saying humans should emulate them because they resolve their differences by boinking or whatever? Well, I say it’s time to imagine a world where the humans start behaving even more highly evolvedly than the bonobos. Because we are, theoretically. More highly evolved than bonobos, I mean. I propose a policy of conflict resolution via twerk-off.

But I digress.

Twerking isn’t even shocking, by the way. It’s just a plain old squat with a pelvic thrust component.

“She’s wagging her butt, and butt-wagging is somewhat suggestive of humping, so OH MY GOD!”

Seriously?

I mean, we’ve pretty much seen it all at this point, haven’t we? All imaginable disgusting fetishes, vile sex crimes, and broken taboos have have already featured on either “Law & Order: Mutilated Ladies Unit,” “South Park,” or “Toddlers in Tiaras.” Compared to that shit, twerking is about as outrageous as the Peanuts dance.

You know how I know? I decided to check it out personally, so I’ve been twerking up a storm for the past couple of days. I’m here to tell you that it’s a) pretty fun, and b) one of the silliest things I’ve ever done. Check out this how-to-twerk video and do a little butt-dance yourself. I recommend it (with caveat, below) because you, and anyone watching you, will bust out laughing or my name isn’t Twisty Faster.

There is only one dangerous thing about twerking. Which brings me to the reason I can’t write a post today.

Two days ago, insufficiently appreciative of the limitations of my atrophied twerking muscle, I accidentally blew it out during a particularly excellent hip-thrust, and keeled over forthwith. “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” was my sad refrain. With the result that my ass is now sprained, and sitting in my blogging chair causes excruciating pain. So if, like me, you are a blamer of a certain age, I suggest flexing your twerkiceps with a couple of surya namaskars prior to your first twerk, and keep your Life Alert button at the ready.

______________
Photo: Tulip Time Parade, Holland, Michigan. May 2010. By Jilroy Frosting Psmith.

23 comments

  1. quixote

    The woman in the video? Looks great doing it. I’m pretty sure she’d look great doing just about anything. Me? Doubtful. Very doubtful.

    But I actually got in here to comments to be puzzled. In my totally out-of-it-and-everything-else understanding, I thought twerking was supposed to be the end of the world because women were miming, you know, Doing It. (Like, say, Elvis Presley back in the day.) But there’s no way you could have sex, well, hetero sex, doing half-squats like that. If there’s a guy in the world coordinated enough to do his part while hanging under the gal somehow, he’s already working for Cirque du Soleil and is unavailable. So how is this the end of the world if it goes nowhere?

  2. tinfoil hattie

    Sorry about your twerkyx, Twisty. Super-bummer.

    quixote, I thought the same thing! About Elvis. I think folks were worried his pelvic thrusts would excite hetero women (Weren’t all women hetero in the ‘fifties?) and women would start acting like rapey men, unable to control themselves.Can’t have women getting sexually aroused, now. Sex isn’t FOR women! It’s by, of, and FROM women!

    And I wonder if a hetero woman, lying on her back in the proper position for PIV, could “twerk”? This would be just before Dudebro flipped her over to foist his peen upon her anal cavity, of course.

  3. Margo

    Oh, but Elvis isn’t just for the heterally-inclined ladies. I was in a well-known natural foods megocorporation a year or two ago, and happened to engage the cashier in a conversation about E.P. She said “Dang. He was one sexy man, right?” And I said, “Totally. In fact, I would totally be-with-him-in-a-biblical-way. And I’m really really gay.” And she said “Oh, I know,! I’m really really gay too. But, c’mon! I mean ELVIS!!”

  4. Twisty

    Quixote: it’s not about looking good, it’s about shaking your groove thang. There’s something really liberating about performing this move that I can’t explain. It’s similar to this really childish thing I do when I want to embarrass my sidekick Stingray, what I call the “butt-dance”, which is: when in public and there are humorless conformist Austin hipsters afoot, I stick my ass out and walk on my toes. It looks silly and forces you to not give a fuck about being judged by the madding crowd.

    Tinfoil: twerkyx! Good one. Wish I’d thought of that.

    The actual body part I jacked up while twerking is somewhat lumbosacral in nature. I really should be in traction.

  5. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    Having performed multiple butt-wagging moves in public without censure (indeed, to raucous applause from friends, relations, and various bystanders), I contend that some forms of butt-wagging are socially acceptable. Sadly, I am not a conventionally attractive, famous, young lady. To wit, at the overripe age of 52, some friends and I took lessons and performed traditional Middle Eastern belly dance. It was, indeed, a hoot, and I enthusiastically recommend it to anyone, male, female, or otherwise, who wish to hone their butt-wagging chops. My instructor’s teacher performed well into her 80′s. However, one should always do the recommended warm-up and stretching before busting a move.

  6. M.K. Hajdin

    Not exactly twerk related, but it is the most depressing thing I’ve read all day.

    ‘We Are Not Exploited’: Topless Medicated Models Defend Exhibit

    ““I don’t feel exploited and I am proud to be a part of it,” Lucy Childress, one of the models in Richard Kern’s Medicated, etc., told VITAMIN W in a follow-up interview.

    A few weeks ago I wrote about the seemingly exploitative nature of Kern’s latest exhibit of nude or half- naked young women– this time featuring their pill bottles along with their exposed bodies.

    While the initial article was more a criticism about VICE’s response the exhibit because of “young girls,” “boobs,” and “x-ray vision,” it is fair to say I was also confused about the concept of topless young women and the relation to their mental disorders.

    Was this exhibit exploitative? Or was there something more behind the detached faces in the art?

    http://vitaminw.co/culture-society/medicated-models-defend-richard-kern-exhibit

  7. XY Feminist

    Like with the “controversial” HPV vaccine, I bet the vitriol against women twerking will abate once men join in.

    And I think this guy is leading the charge (hehe!):

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrZL1D7eojk

  8. niki

    I’m all for freedom of butt movement, but twerking was ganked directly from strippers who used it to hover over dude laps while rubbing their knobs for extra cash. It’s a lap dance, that’s why it looks impossibly non-intimate. I realize that we will be able to dance however we wish without sexpornification come post-revolution times, but I doubt women would choose to dance like they were strippers in a way that might throw out their backs if it weren’t for the male gaze.

  9. Lidon

    @ Niki: My thoughts exactly. The whole concept of “twerking” wouldn’t exist if it didn’t get male attention to begin with. That aside, the idea of Aunt Twisty butt-shaking does make me laugh. Perhaps spinster aunts of the world could somehow appropriate these moves.

  10. Twisty

    Heya Niki, I grasp the sexploitative provenance of the dance. I don’t propose that feminists attempt to Take Back the Twerk in the public square à la Slutwalk.

    My point is that culture can have terrible transformative powers. I’ve got a long-standing beef with the concept of culture in general. Mostly it appears to be a virulent form of mind-control. Porn culture can, for example, turn a harmless butt dance into a degraded compliance behavior. It’s ridic!

    My other point is that some people might find the move to be gratifying in and of itself, irrespective of its context. I know I did, until my enthusiasm overreached my ability.

    I also just really like the word “twerk.” It has a W and a K, making it inherently humorous.

    If the hypothesis is that twerking causes pole dancers to miscarry, I beg the hypothesizers to reconsider their membership in the fetus police. Check out this woman, vilified all over Facebook for lifting a few pounds. Life is fraught with danger, after all. Every time I get on my horse it crosses my mind that she could kill me in the blink of an eye, but I do it anyway. And when you think about it, practically everything is more dangerous than twerking. Driving a car, eating potato chips, going to the mall in Kenya, yoga. I once heard about a guy who died doing the flippin Plow pose.

  11. chocolatetort

    Injury aside, this post made me oddly happy for a Twisty post! You know what I mean, usually I leave enraged and frothing at the mouth. But in a good way, I promise. Anyway, it’s true, twerking at home around the kitchen, where only my cat see me, is ridiculously fun. I’m sure I look like some flopping, dying creature, but there are no mirrors in the kitchen so whatever. And dang is that a mean quad work-out! As Twisty notes, the spelling is also just inherently amusing.

    Also, crazy that you mention the weight-lifting lady! I was just telling Nigel about that and how much it bothered me. Pregnant ladies can’t do anything right! Women are already treated as community property, but for pregnant women it gets turned up to eleven.

  12. XY Feminist

    I also just really like the word “twerk.” It has a W and a K, making it inherently humorous.

    Wok?

  13. Lidon

    XY Feminist, thanks for the video! That guy’s got talent.

  14. Twisty

    Amen, chocolatetort, on that turning-it-up-to-eleven thing. And also, on the quad workout thing, no shit! Lap dancers don’t get enough respect for their athletic ability.

  15. Comradde PhysioProffe

    Twisty, I hope your lumbosacral dealiebobber gets better soon!

  16. D.

    I’m planning to take this twerking stuff up, but I’m going to start slowly, with ballads, because about two minutes of that burns.

    Also, I have to suspect that objectors to twerking have not been on a dance floor since the ’70s.

  17. Twisty

    @D. :

    Ha!

  18. Niki

    Wrong! I have actually been ON a dance floor since the 70′s. My favorite dance floor move is the perreo of South American/Puerto Rican/etc culture. It means ‘dog’. It’s more of a mutual ‘Getting to know you real fast’ sexaaay dance than a stripper dance, though. ‘Twerking’ is definitely a ‘rubbing your boner with my butt for extra cash’ dance move that I never saw out there on the dance floor until recently.

  19. Keri

    Surya namaskar to warm the middle aged body for the twerk, genius!

  20. truthful nacho

    Will doing it in private lead to doing it as a party trick out of sheer inability to be good company when not acting like a dancing fucking pony? (bitter music performer) I am too grossed out by dudes to do it around them. And doing it around women just kind of reminds us of men, right? But I like the muscles it works to waggle the butt around, so there’s that.

  21. the_t's_knees

    Oh, c’mon Niki. Don’t you remember grinding? ‘Cause the concept of a dance during which there is rubbing of boners is NOT new.

    Therefore, the hand-wringing over the kids-these-days and their twerking is all ’bout shaming young womyn (Surprise, surprise!) and pointing at and reviling just how far Miley Cyrus has “fallen.”

    Sun rises in the east, grass is green, etc.

  22. procrastinatrix

    Best Friday ever! Finding several new posts on Savage Death Island after all hope had ended. It’s been too long since I turned purple in my cubicle inwardly guffawing at neologisms (twerkiceps, and then TFH throws in twerkyx for the bonus) thrown out in the process of delightfully scathing criticism. Sigh. Haven’t even dug into comments yet.

    Nothing interesting to add to the conversation, just general euphoria and purple-faced sweatiness from trying not to laugh.

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