This post concerns an article on a blow job school in Moscow. If you don’t have time to read the whole thing, here’s the executive summary:
[End of summary]
And here is a link to the final chapter in the Great Fellatio Wars of Aught-Six, which is where we left off.
Before we begin, a brief review of what we here on Savage Death Island like to call the Global Accords Governing Fair Use of Women, or, as others might put it, the Crappy Implications of Patriarchy:
The Global Accords Governing Fair Use of Women are that set of customs, institutions, behaviors, laws, taboos, and traditions by which women as a class are demarcated as sex receptacles. The accords spring from the core belief that women are essentially indistinct from sex. From that core belief emanate the various provisions justifying — to name but a few — compulsory femininity, marriage, rape, discrimination, street harassment, prostitution, pornography, anti-abortion legislation, and domestic violence.
For example, compelling this woman to die in childbirth was considered fair use by doctors in an Irish hospital in October of last year.
Here’s another preface: it is the duty of a spinster aunt to critique culturally-mandated practices that have obvious political implications for the sex class and its struggle for solidarity and liberation. But I hasten to add that you’re an adult, and insofar as women have rights in this world, you have as much a right as anyone to voluntarily permit whatever you want to be stuffed into your mouth. I do not judge you.
Because, as a result of fair use doctrines — and I’m sorry, but there’s just no getting around this — penetration of any description is dominance on some level. But penetration of a person’s face? In this society? That’s disdain cranked up to 11.*
Which brings me to the blow job school.
Omitting the many, many photos of young Russian women lined up kneeling at a creepy dildo-encrusted mirror-wall, practicing the art of dick-sucking under the watchful eye of their sexpert instructor, here is the text of the post:
Men are usually gentleman enough and would never admit to their chosen ones if they are not exactly skilled in providing oral sex. Thankfully, everything can be learned. All interested Moscow ladies who are willing to set aside about 3,500 Russian rubles (about 85 euros / $113) have the unique opportunity to attend a course called “The Art of oral sex”.
During the course, they will get three and a half hours of intense training during which they will learn how to use lips and hands to bring their partner to ecstasy that they will never forget. Also, in this school is taught how to properly put a condom and other sexual skills, along with learning all of the “important spots” on the men’s and women’s bodies.
I wish I could say that I was surprised. I’m not, though, since I’m no stranger to the idea that the male orgasm is the single most important fucking thing on earth. Per the Global Accords, it’s a woman’s duty to subjugate herself to it in as degrading a manner as possible and call it “art.” Back in the olden days it used to be enough just to grit yer teeth and git’er done. But here in 2013, the sex stakes are at an all-time high. With the ubiquitous glistening pink pornographic standard dictating all of human sexuality, the pressure is on for women to not merely perform blow jobs, but to become professional dispensers of cutting-edge blow jobbery, experts at conveying that choking on a funk-filled bratwurst is the culmination of their life’s young dream.
Enter the blow job academy sexperts into the void between throbbing fake internet sex and regular, actual sex.
Here’s the thing: because of the Global Accords Governing Fair Use of Women, fabulous rewards, such as a gas station rose on Valentine’s Day, await those who perfect receptacling to the satisfaction of their sex consumer. Why shouldn’t women flock to a class that promises to teach’em how to excel at compliance, especially when there’s a chance at winning the approval of some dude? Take this sterling example of manly awesomeness from the comments section of the blow job school post, holding forth here on his reluctance to reciprocate:
My wife says she just needs to find a girlfriend so she can get some good action. My opinion is that positioning is more difficult for guys. A lot of way just seem hard on your neck. [sic]
Hard on his neck? The women in Moscow are expected to endure “three-and-a-half hours of intense training.” I hope the tuition fee includes transportation to the ER. Or at least a post-graduate chiropractic adjustment.
I have but one other bleak hope: that the classes at least impart the sort of blow job skillz that would obviate the dude’s compulsion to grab the woman’s head and cram it around like some kind of meaty tube sock. In a world where getting a dick in the mouth is a compulsory component of a straight girl’s sex duties, never having to endure that extra indignity might actually be worth it.
* Whether, irrespective of the misogynist political context within which it is our misfortune to abide, the taint of degradation is inherent in sex itself is not the subject of this debate; the point is moot since no human interactions can currently exist outside the inherently degrading patriarchal paradigm.
Thanks to Lisa Downing for the link.