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Sep 30 2013

This is just gross

This post concerns an article on a blow job school in Moscow. If you don’t have time to read the whole thing, here’s the executive summary:

Eeew.

[End of summary]

And here is a link to the final chapter in the Great Fellatio Wars of Aught-Six, which is where we left off.

Before we begin, a brief review of what we here on Savage Death Island like to call the Global Accords Governing Fair Use of Women, or, as others might put it, the Crappy Implications of Patriarchy:

The Global Accords Governing Fair Use of Women are that set of customs, institutions, behaviors, laws, taboos, and traditions by which women as a class are demarcated as sex receptacles. The accords spring from the core belief that women are essentially indistinct from sex. From that core belief emanate the various provisions justifying — to name but a few — compulsory femininity, marriage, rape, discrimination, street harassment, prostitution, pornography, anti-abortion legislation, and domestic violence.

For example, compelling this woman to die in childbirth was considered fair use by doctors in an Irish hospital in October of last year.

Here’s another preface: it is the duty of a spinster aunt to critique culturally-mandated practices that have obvious political implications for the sex class and its struggle for solidarity and liberation. But I hasten to add that you’re an adult, and insofar as women have rights in this world, you have as much a right as anyone to voluntarily permit whatever you want to be stuffed into your mouth. I do not judge you.

Although, eeew.

Because, as a result of fair use doctrines — and I’m sorry, but there’s just no getting around this — penetration of any description is dominance on some level. But penetration of a person’s face? In this society? That’s disdain cranked up to 11.*

Which brings me to the blow job school.

Omitting the many, many photos of young Russian women lined up kneeling at a creepy dildo-encrusted mirror-wall, practicing the art of dick-sucking under the watchful eye of their sexpert instructor, here is the text of the post:

Men are usually gentleman enough and would never admit to their chosen ones if they are not exactly skilled in providing oral sex. Thankfully, everything can be learned. All interested Moscow ladies who are willing to set aside about 3,500 Russian rubles (about 85 euros / $113) have the unique opportunity to attend a course called “The Art of oral sex”.

During the course, they will get three and a half hours of intense training during which they will learn how to use lips and hands to bring their partner to ecstasy that they will never forget. Also, in this school is taught how to properly put a condom and other sexual skills, along with learning all of the “important spots” on the men’s and women’s bodies.

I wish I could say that I was surprised. I’m not, though, since I’m no stranger to the idea that the male orgasm is the single most important fucking thing on earth. Per the Global Accords, it’s a woman’s duty to subjugate herself to it in as degrading a manner as possible and call it “art.” Back in the olden days it used to be enough just to grit yer teeth and git’er done. But here in 2013, the sex stakes are at an all-time high. With the ubiquitous glistening pink pornographic standard dictating all of human sexuality, the pressure is on for women to not merely perform blow jobs, but to become professional dispensers of cutting-edge blow jobbery, experts at conveying that choking on a funk-filled bratwurst is the culmination of their life’s young dream.

Enter the blow job academy sexperts into the void between throbbing fake internet sex and regular, actual sex.

Here’s the thing: because of the Global Accords Governing Fair Use of Women, fabulous rewards, such as a gas station rose on Valentine’s Day, await those who perfect receptacling to the satisfaction of their sex consumer. Why shouldn’t women flock to a class that promises to teach’em how to excel at compliance, especially when there’s a chance at winning the approval of some dude? Take this sterling example of manly awesomeness from the comments section of the blow job school post, holding forth here on his reluctance to reciprocate:

My wife says she just needs to find a girlfriend so she can get some good action. My opinion is that positioning is more difficult for guys. A lot of way just seem hard on your neck. [sic]

Hard on his neck? The women in Moscow are expected to endure “three-and-a-half hours of intense training.” I hope the tuition fee includes transportation to the ER. Or at least a post-graduate chiropractic adjustment.

I have but one other bleak hope: that the classes at least impart the sort of blow job skillz that would obviate the dude’s compulsion to grab the woman’s head and cram it around like some kind of meaty tube sock. In a world where getting a dick in the mouth is a compulsory component of a straight girl’s sex duties, never having to endure that extra indignity might actually be worth it.

______________________

* Whether, irrespective of the misogynist political context within which it is our misfortune to abide, the taint of degradation is inherent in sex itself is not the subject of this debate; the point is moot since no human interactions can currently exist outside the inherently degrading patriarchal paradigm.

Thanks to Lisa Downing for the link.

28 comments

  1. Lidon

    “Men are usually gentleman enough…” Since WHEN?

  2. ew_nc

    “Here’s the thing: because of the Global Accords Governing Fair Use of Women, fabulous rewards, such as a gas station rose on Valentine’s Day,”

    Lines such as this one make me happy, in a depressed sort of way.

    I guess gay men can’t take this course. Because Russia.

  3. Notorious Ph.D.

    There was actually one of these in the L.A. area a while back, if I recall correctly.

    Leaving my opinion of fellatio out of the conversation (since that’s not what it’s about), I’ll just say that, in a healthy sexual relationship, the people involved are clear on what they do and don’t like, and are able to communicate those desires and preferences. What schools like this seem to be saying is that women just ought to know how to do this — and do it *right* for goodness’ sake! — without men having to go to the excruciating lengths of actually *talking* to her.

  4. M.K. Hajdin

    Cue outraged commenter insisting that blow jobbery empowers them in 3….2….1

  5. M.K. Hajdin

    P.S.

    I got into a huge fight with some random dude on a dating site over this. I may have insurmountable heterosexual tendencies but I won’t allow a funk-filled bratwurst anywhere near my mouth. Dude tried to sell me on how much men NEED it and how a woman who is really good at it can have such control over a man. When I laughed outright at the idea that huffing dong confers power on anyone, his parting shot was: “Good luck finding a man who will put up with THAT.”

    But it’s the women who insist that they love doing this and that it’s awesome that really depress me.

  6. Twisty

    Well, on accounta the fetishization of dominance and submission, women don’t just say they love doing it, they really love doing it. I believe’em. You can love a degrading thing.

  7. the_t's_knees

    M.K.

    Clearly you goofed up your chance to date that rapis — er, perfectly nice man.

    On the subject of the article, ugh. This is simply profiting from women’s insecurities of not being good enough in the sack and fear of losing a partner to those sluts out there*. I will never for one minute believe that a woman needs to learn any skills to please a het dood. There are scores of internet sites hawking fleshlights and blow up dolls that prove this.

    *No, I don’t use that word. Think it’s absolutely vile and misogynistic. I’m simply repeating the mindset sold to all women by Cosmo and Redbook and tv and every other fucking thing.

  8. Mildred

    Welcome to depressing rapey blowjob story-time, please scroll if you don’t want to be squicked.

    My rapist was my long term boyfriend who just loved blowjobs. My favourite/least effortsome way to be raped was when he would use my head like a flesh sock because it meant my neck didn’t get tired from bobbing for bone. I eventually learnt how to breathe through my nose without gagging/throwing up which was a plus for sure.
    I especially liked it when he wanted to offload on my face because that meant my arms/wrists wouldn’t get tired from actually having to manually get him off/scolded when I often couldn’t – it also meant it was allllllll going to be over soon. I could basically just lie there and git it so long as I timed my breathing and kept my eyes closed shut.

  9. Twisty

    Unsurprisingly, I have had the pleasure of deleting about a gajillion comments from 20-something pornsick fucknozzles whose thoughtful responses [to the notion that cramming their dick in someone's face might be unpleasant for the owner of the face] involve the word “cunt.”

    Really, nothing rattles the dudebro psychopaths like a lady on the internet who says she doesn’t like getting a dick crammed in her face.

  10. Swanhilde

    This blog post is both depressing and hilarious. Twisty is such a good writer!

    I always thought that I enjoyed performing fellatio…but now I am wondering, “WHY?”

    Sorry you got spammed by pornsick jackasses, Twisty. Men have an awful entitlement towards sex. I must say, though, that if a man told me that he hated performing oral sex on me, I would respect that, but I would also feel, on some level, that he was rejecting my body.

  11. Morag

    About all that hate-mail: so much for the reclamation of the word “cunt.” Remember Inga Muscio’s book with that very same title? Well, she tried. Even the ubiquitous “bitch” still has some residual subjugating power depending on who is using it, and how.

    Reclaiming hateful words hacks at the branches, not at the roots.

    This is my first post, and I blame the patriarchy!

  12. SaraLynn

    “Reclaiming hateful words hacks at the branches, not at the roots” I love this! Thanks for the comment, will definately use it. As a het female I always thought that something must be wrong with me (because, you know, everyone else said so) that I not only outright refuse to this for the most part, but find it degrading even in the context of a non-abusive sexual experience. I suppose it comes down to the fact that sex in the P is always oppressive. The expectation that this is a given in any relationship is the worst part. This was depressing for me to read…but liberating as hell. Finally women admitting that it is not something they “want/like to do.” Thanks for post Twisty!!

  13. ew_nc

    @Morag – thank you for that! I have spent many hours of utter frustration trying to convince people that “reclaiming” derogatory words does not take their power away. Men could care less if women’s groups call their action a “Slut Walk”, for instance. That doesn’t do one damn thing to change their attitudes or behavior. They’ll still dehumanzie us with those words whenever they feel like it.

    But I like the way you said it better; it is only hacking at the branches. The roots of the domination culture remain as strong as ever. I too blame the patriarchy.

  14. redyelloworanj

    My BJ learnin’ anecdote (unlike poor Mildred, no dudes were involved):
    Once upon a time, I felt it imperative to learn how to deep throat, because, as enlightened feminists know, porn and pop culture are constantly moving the sexual goal posts in a mass effort to induce the maximum amount of insecurity and self-loathing in women possible (on which het human male parasites feed like engorged misogyticks). I ordered a floppy jelly dildo (not too thick, not too long) from a popular sex toy etailer to serve as an instrument of torture – I mean *learning*, an instrument of learning. After numerous failed attempts to get the thing past my epiglottis without gagging (sorry pornsick sex advice givers, no amount of relaxation in the world can circumvent a strong gag reflex), it finally hit me that there is no such thing as a dude who would voluntarily ram a cucumber down his throat to get a woman off (must be someone’s fetish). Men simply don’t hate themselves that much. And I decided: neither do I! Reeling with the newly rediscovered powers of self-respect and sexual autonomy, I unceremoniously chucked the pink, quivering symbol of sexual subjugation and self-hatred into the trash.

    My only regret is that I haven’t yet figured out how to magically endow all hetero female creatures with the same powers of self-respect and sexual autonomy.

  15. redyelloworanj

    Annnd I completely forgot that the moving of sexual goal posts was already covered in your post. (My memory is so poor, I think I’d forgotten half of what I’d just read by the time I finished perusing the comments.) I only hope redundancy is less of an offense on Savage Death Island than squandering precious time and rubles on dude-pleasing.

  16. Kristine

    How do people fail to see this as a scam? Don’t they realize that they can receive both the information and the experience provided by this “class” for free on the internet? If you’ve got eighty dollars a week to spend on pleasuring a dildo, you’ve got five hundred bucks for a crappy laptop.

    The person “instructing” the classes is definitely a creep, too. Charging money to exacerbate women’s insecurities about subservience, all while ordering them around for three hours? Yeah, not cool.

  17. polarcontrol

    How to excel at compliance. That’s it. Really you cannot just ‘grit yer teeth’ and get it over with, no matter what the “it” is that is assigned to you as a woman in patriarchy. You have to enjoy it, excel at it, love it. Like don’t think of housework as a chore, embrace the
    !
    And don’t suffer for beauty, but pamper yourself at a spa! (You’ll get used to the pain of waxing, sorry I mean the sweeter thing, sugaring!)

    I saw a t-shirt the other day saying “love what you do”. You know, not like do something that you love, but do all these things that are actually horrible, like suffer in a shitty job, and also, LOVE it.

  18. polarcontrol

    Argh I messed the link. It should be embrace the “new domesticity”.

  19. Helen Huntingdon

    I was part of a marriage/long term relationships forum for some years after escaping the abusive ex, because I was trying to completely re-write my thinking on what made a relationship healthy. Some of the posters there really helped a lot, even though what they wrote was for other people, not me.

    Some of the dudes though, well, it’s hard to know where to start. They took the notion that you can’t tell someone else what constitutes their personal sexual satisfaction and ran with it to really abusive places. And they mostly didn’t start out that way — time and again, I saw this develop over the course of years.

    Continually moving the sexual goalposts was at the heart of it. Some Dude would decide he wasn’t filled with a sense of perfect happiness and pleasure at all moments of his life, therefore something must be Wrong. Which of course means his female partner must be Wrong, since it’s her job to magically fix the universe so that he experiences nothing but pleasure and happiness at all times ever.

    So Some Dude would seize upon some sexual act that he thought might magically fix this Terrible Wrongness of ever experiencing a non-positive emotion. Then there would be a lot of anguished pleading for help about his terrible lack of sexual satisfaction and how to get his partner to do Sexual Act of the Moment.

    And people would supply Some Dude with seemingly-nice, positive-feelings ways to work his partner over to compel her to perform Sexual Act of the Moment.

    And of course, if she did, it would never last. Some Dude would find that after the thrill of bullying his partner into sexual performance wore off a little, he still occasionally experienced a non-positive emotion. So it would start all over again with a new Sexual Act of the Moment.

    And since Some Dude had now tied sexual satisfaction to bullying his partner in his cranium, it will surprise no one here that what constituted Sexual Act of the Moment would get steadily more extreme and degrading to his partner over time.

  20. au naturel

    I always remember the argument that used to be so effective for men – ‘if you loved me, you’d do it. But, if you won’t, then I might have to find someone who will’. I’m ashamed at how well that used to work on me. The next time I get one shoved in my face, I’ll ask myself ‘what would Lorena Bobbitt do?’

  21. Kali

    Regarding the movement of goalposts, it seems that a lot of the patriarchy is about management of expectations such that more and more concessions are expected from women and less and less from men. When women give in to demand A, it doesn’t stop there. That is just an invitation to demand B, then C and so on. For men it works the other way. They are successful at refusing X, then they get emboldened to refuse Y, Z and so on. I refuse to negotiate with men who don’t start at 50/50. If you start negotiating with a man who expects more than he is willing to give, you’ll get screwed ultimately.

  22. Morag

    @ew_nc and SaraLynn :

    Yup! “Reclaiming” the misogynistic words used against us doesn’t amount to much. At best, we’ve drained them of some of their shock value, but they still have plenty of hate value to last; if not, more terms will be invented. It just couldn’t be any other way, could it? Because men, as a class, hate us, and this is reflected in and enforced by language. They hate our cunts, and men often desire what they hate, and like to talk about what they hate-desire as much as they like to actually, physically fuck. They NEED those words.

    “Cunt” reminds me a lot of James Baldwin’s deconstruction of the n-word (there’s a beautiful 3 minute clip on YouTube called “Who is the N—-?”). The word, of course, referring to a concept, an invention, an institution.–i.e., a social/economic/psychological necessity for its creators, white people.

    Applying Baldwin’s logic to the men who cared enough to take the time to write hate mail for Twisty and for us, it turns out that–and I’m serious about this–men, individually and as a class, are the cunts. Gaping, empty, meaningless, unwholesome, dick-worshipping holes in the shape of human beings. Hence, blow job school. And, while I’m here thinking this thought, God, too. Because unfilled holes are a great source of existential anxiety, and institutions (including “making love,” which women did NOT invent) must be created to reduce that unbearable anxiety of emptiness. They have a big problem, and we–especially since their disease is catching–can’t solve it for them.

    However, refusing to give them blow jobs (of any kind, including ego-stroking) might accidentally help them to realize that they ARE cunts, and then they might ask themselves how they became cunts, and what they can do about their gaping, slimy integrity-impoverishment, and how they can heal their unwholesome, cluster-B personalities. But, of course, they already suspect that they are cunts. So what’s more likely to happen is that more blow job schools will open up in our neighbourhoods. Plus, there’s always money to be made when cunthood can be projected onto starving women.

    This was probably too long, but I don’t know how to condense it right now. Bursting at the seams with thoughts I can’t speak in the real world. This helps, though, and I will strive for brevity next time!

  23. Swanhilde

    Patriarchy’s constant pressure to ENTHUSIASTICALLY submit really sticks in my craw. Submission itself is not enough for some of these fucktards.

    One time in class (a “Women in Literature” class, no less!) I expressed that I was sick and tired, and uncomfortable, with seeing naked women everywhere in media.

    A dude became incensed at my comment. “That’s because both genders agree that women are beautiful,” he said. I never forgot it.

    I have also seen this in pr0n. No, it’s not my habit to watch porn, but I have seen enough of it to traumatize me. The dude is doing something obviously unpleasant to the woman, who is clearly NOT having a good time, and the dude or the director asks her, with a leering voice, “Do you like it? Do you like it? Feels good, yes?”

    makes me so mad

    Thank God for this blog. Pass the blame. And margaritas. And xanax.

    Sometimes I really wish I wasn’t heterosexual.

  24. Kali

    Sometimes I really wish I wasn’t heterosexual

    I second that.

  25. Mildred

    Its like “women laughing alone with salad”
    not only are we to eat apology salad but we have to act like ZOMG its the best!!

  26. Cindi

    I’m sorry I just realized that I made a few typing mistakes. This is what I meant to write,

    Dr. Judith Reisman who did an extensive analysis of the contents Of Playboy,Penthouse and Hustler Magazines http://www.drjudithreisman.com/archives/ccv.pdf which was done for The Office Of Juvenile Justice and Deliquency Prevention and carried out a The American University called,Images Of Children,Crime and Violence in Playboy,Penthouse and Hustler Magazines and her full report was finished in 1986 told me that in a 1992 phone conversation oral sex was once illegal sodomy even between married people. I said to her even between married people,she said yes,it was looked down on as the kind of deviant act you could get out on the street with a prostitute.And I said men saw it like this too,she said yes,it’s sodomy and that it wasn’t until the 1960′s liberalization of all sex laws by Kinsey including loosening laws of sex offenders of children,that it became acceptable. I said to her but a lot of studies say that most heterosexual couples are doing it,and she said but that all comes from pornography my dear,it teaches it’s normal over and over again. Just it teaches the sh*thole sex is normal over and over again!

    And Dr.Reisman is the author of the book,Kinsey,Sex and Fraud where she gives a lot of evidence that Alfred Kinsey was a total sick perverted woman-hater and child sex abuser and that he carried out a whole lot of illegal experiments involving convicted child sex abusers who he had orally stimulate many infants to see how many orgasms they could have to justify his claims that children are sexual from birth and he claimed that it would benefit babies and children to have sex with adults! She explains that Hugh Hefner based his whole sexist,child sex abuse incest Playboy philosophy on Kinsey and took everything he said as the gospel truth.That is why there were 1,000′s of cartoons,articles and even some pictures of not only abuse and dehumanization of women for men,but jokes and normalization of fathers and uncles doing incest to their little daughters and nieces,gang rapes and sexual murders of women and children,Santa clause cartoons raping and murdering children,women sexually harassed by their male bosses on his desk etc etc.

  27. taryn

    I understand why gay men might enjoy this activity…because they have it reciprocated. While snogging a bratwurst, they may imagine what it feels like when they have their own bratwurst snogged. And then, after the act, their partner may *gasp* then do said snogging. Meanwhile, when a woman, whether conditioned to enjoy getting face f*cked or just doing it because patriarchy performs this act, she very likely will not receive a *genuine* orgasm in return through oral sex or otherwise. Most straight men think doing “that” is “gross” because, from my viewpoint, they despise women’s actual sexual agency as opposed to her “looking sexy” and being a repository for his sperm. A commenter here made a great post about men ‘needing’ to f*ck women to uphold their “manliness”, even though many are indeed more desiring and loving towards men. But to express this would mean symbolically handing in their dude card, and taking a step away from manliness and they can’t do THAT. From what I’ve heard from straight/bi woman friends, the few dudes who do reciprocate oral sex on women do it with all the finesse of a pig snuffling at a trough of food, although bisexual men were voted at being both being more willing and more able at giving women oral sex. Given the increased misogyny of macho straight dudes via the enforced heterosexuality leading to resentment and disgust of women coupled with the need to f*ck them in order to maintain their status in the patriarchy, this would make sense.

    As far as Blow Job Academy, I am disgusted but not the least surprised. When I was twelve, I recall being disgusted at a slumber party when the host gave each girl a pickle in order to “practice”. Everyone except me found this to be a brilliant idea. As the junior high feminist party pooper, I was told that I’d “n ever get a boyfriend”. Wah, wah freaking wah.

    Cosmo and other similar wastes of paper probably spend at least 20% of their pages per year telling their readers how to manipulate their mouths for utmost male pleasure. Because it’s not enough to spend your entire life trying to give every man on the street utmost pleasure by manipulating the rest of your body…it all must be done to maximize the joy of the penis and the dude attached to it.

  28. Rebecca

    My partner’s penis is not a “funk-filled bratwurst”, and my head is not a “meaty tube sock”. Stop the genital hate. If I was grossed out by my boyfriend’s penis than I wouldn’t allow it in my vagina.

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