Valentine’s Day. The annual celebration of grasping sexual manipulation disguised as cheap sentiment disguised as pesticide-encrusted gas station roses and waxy, stale chocolates with weird pink fillings. The centerpiece of Valentine’s Day is the gender binary, with particular emphasis on the hetero couple and the woman’s performance of lacy femininity. This performance is enhanced by the opposite role of the dude, who — despite the fact that Valentine’s Day is the most definitively scripted set-up since the dawn of polyester satin — is presumed to be so mystified by his lady’s expectations of romance that his merely remembering the date overwhelms her with sexy gratitude.
Infantilization has always been a key component of femininity, and this year the Valentine Industrial Complex has added what is possibly the creepiest example to date. A teddy bear company renowned for repellent sexist marketing is hawking a 4-foot stuffed bear to moron dudes who persist in having no clue about how to get laid on this gross holiday. According to the TV ad, no woman can resist the allure of this vapid-faced oversized toy. The commercial features sexy lingerie models flopping in slow motion onto puffy beds with this giant fluffy bear. Their expressions are pornorgasmic with the same closed-eye ecstasy you see in commercials for love-replacement foods like chocolate and whipped cream. They are really getting off on mating with this bear. Possibly they sense that its emotions are more genuine and its conversation more scintillating than any dude who would think a huge stuffed animal is an appropriate gift for an adult woman.
Update: Apparently this “Big Hunka Love Bear” has been around for a few years. Mercifully I was spared any knowledge of it until recently. Also, apparently there is an even bigger Hunka Love bear, a 6-footer for dudes who really, really need to compensate.