Category Archive: Austin

That which pertains to the paradise that is my hometown

Aug 05 2011

Spinster aunt begins to hallucinate. Now with seafood similes.

This vulture is always giving me the eye as I stagger around in the dust, looking for a refrigerator to crawl into. Maybe one of you science brainiacs knows whether this flippin heat wave is just a normal fluctuation in the Grand Climatronical Scheme, or whether it’s Al Gore’s nightmare come true. Either way, I …

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Feb 14 2010

Michael Jackson perv alert in Austin neighborhood

Risk Level: HIGH!!!!!

Blamer Susan just got this postcard in the mail. She yawned. You know these cards. “NOTICE OF HIGH-RISK SEX OFFENDER IN COMMUNITY.” The state sends’em out when a convicted perv, who for some reason isn’t in jail even though he is “high risk,” moves into your neighborhood, to frolic and molest. The question is, what …

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Dec 06 2009

I got yer rape prevention email forward right here

It was on a recent comment thread that the subject of racial bias in abduction reportage popped up. I allude to the phenomenon where a white woman and a black woman may be kidnaped on the same day, but the news media only get overwrought about the white girl. The socio-pathology underlying the phenomenon is …

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Sep 06 2009

Austin inhabitant eschews Twitter; employs extremely inefficient low-tech communication device

You know how sometimes something sort of funny happens? Something sort of funny happened to me this morning. The canids and I were out traipsing over hill and dale, like we do every morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the fish were flapping, the snakes were snaking, etc. I’d found a funky …

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Jun 14 2009

Spinster aunt perceives misogynist billboard

Creepy billboard somewhere on MoPac. There is only one reason that pregnancy should “scare” you: your culture hates women and kids.* It especially hates teenage women. It especially hates pregnant teenage women. It especially hates teenage pregnant women who get knocked up under unapproved circumstances. Some unapproved circumstances: they are not legally bound to an …

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Apr 13 2009

Texas state rep needs reprogramming

Texas State Rep. Betty Brown, racist tool

Not all Texans, I regret to say, are easygoing, progressive thinkers. State Representative Betty Brown, for example, is a tool. Betty Brown just can’t wrap her brain around the fact that some certified 100% Texans have Asian names. This is because her brain has the philosophical sophistication of a Thomas Kinkade painting. Texans should have …

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Jan 27 2009

First, the bad news

BatterBlaster

I’ve just found organic aerosol waffle batter, and I’m telling everyone! Just heat up the old waffle iron, point, and squirt! Try it with a glob of organic aerosol whipped cream for a virtuous-yet-space-age breakfast experience that can’t be beat. Waffle-hatas in your breakfast nook? Let’em do the whippet! While I absorb my organic aerosol …

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Sep 11 2008

Spinster aunt suffers from bridge-to-nowhere fatigue

The big push to relocate Spinster HQ to points west has begun in earnest. I’m swamped already, but apparently there is a hurricane tearing through the Gulf of Mexico with Texas’ name on it, which really puts a hitch in my gitalong. Everyone in Austin is in a panic. The local news makes sure of …

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Aug 19 2008

Cardboard jungle causes smoking

Have you ever, while you were packing into cardboard boxes all your spinster auntly accouterments (I allude to the complete Proust — in French — that you keep on the mantle, as if ; ceramic baby-smoking-a-cig figurine; giant rubber toad; 80′s vintage 4-track w/ gazillion basement recordings on cassette) run out of newspaper? Requiring an …

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Aug 13 2008

Spinster aunt cuts blogular corners by making another dorky video, this time about her outing to a giant Human Demoralization Center

I know, I know, but these video things are way faster than writing, and these days time is of the essence for the spinster aunt. Sadly, because I did this in one take and without any script or rehearsal or talent, I perhaps failed to emphasize my main blaming point, which is my disgust at …

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