Category Archive: Crazy sexy cancer

That which pertains to the megacancerocracy, as well as to Twisty Faster's own first-hand experiences with this most crapulent of diseases

Oct 02 2006

Ixnay on the Oobsbay Update


Rudy’s Bar-B-Q and Conoco Station on Loop 360, the feed trough of which I darkened today with one of my pals. It was her first lunch out since her hysterectomy, which she had on accounta she inherited the fucking breast cancer gene, too. It just never ends. I am delighted to report that, as of …

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Oct 01 2006

I Got Yer Boobython Right Here


It won’t cost you nothin’ to see my rack shot. I wasn’t going to write about this Boobie-Thon thing, mostly because (a) it’s getting plenty of publicity already, and (b) it seems that those involved are motivated by decent enough intentions that anything I say will require me to field a bunch of dreary “how …

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Sep 19 2006

Crunch For The Cure


What will happen to global consumerism if breast cancer is ever really cured? Luckily for SunChips, it seems unlikely that we’ll find out in the forseeable future. Sun Chips bag with crass advertising slogan found, amid other Austin City Limits Music Festival garbage (you’d think they’d held the thing in my front yard) in the …

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Sep 04 2006

Got Milk?


Members of the Faster clan (sibling Tidy and niece Ro-Tel) subverting the status quo in 2003 Ripped from the headlines: Actual local TV news ‘update’: “Is breast-feeding in public beautiful or tab-oo? Tonight at ten find out what Austin thinks about this divisive issue!” Holy Frito-pie on a Guardian Select aluminum crutch. So how did …

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Aug 08 2006



Today the spinster aunt contemplates swim-wear. Specifically, nonboobal swim-wear. What’s the big whoop, you ask? Well, it’s like this. If a gal with a couple of lumpy scars where her ta-tas used to be wants to go swimming in public, the sartorial considerations are complex. You’d think nonboobalosity would simplify things, as it does for …

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Jul 19 2006

Back From The Abyss

What’s left of my left side, feat. MC Gruesome Drain Tube. Yes, it was sewn directly to my skin with black thread. Yes, it hurt.

The Uniboober, sent in by the blaming Burt family First, my heartfelt thanks to everyone who sent their tokens of esteem down here. Ensmellulated soap! Muffins! Mary Oliver! Queen Lucia! CDs of your music! Space pen like on ‘Seinfeld’! The Uniboober! The depth of the blaming community’s generosity knows no bounds. To those of you …

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Jul 14 2006

Boobalectomy ’06!

Boobalectomy '06!

There are many gazongal truths, girls. Here’s mine.

Jul 10 2006

Symmetry Awaits Spinster Aunt

the sparkling lemony laxative

Yesterday’s dinner. You know what smells really bad? My ass. It’s a lovely day for an amputation here in Austin, so in about an hour I’ll begin infesting a large midtown hospital for just that purpose. In a couple of days I’ll be back with more grisly photos of flaccid hospital food and gross scars. …

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Jul 03 2006

Cheap Crap From China: Now Pint-Sized

boys love critters at J Crew

Consumering is tedious enough without having to do it in some cavernous purgatory staffed by drooling imbeciles in polyester vests. Which is why one of my favorite things about the internet—I am old enough that I still can’t quite calm down about the internet—is that with a few flicks of the wrist I can entirely …

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Jun 10 2006


Squash and green bean thing

The squash-and-green-bean thing I ate at Fino the other day. The Spinster Aunt of the New Millennium has much in common with this plate of flaccid vegetables. The results are in! One four-thousand-dollar-genetic-test-that-insurance-won’t-cover later, it turns out that I am a mutant. I have the BRCA2 mutation, one of two mutations known to predispose people …

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