Published by
Jill on
May 20, 2011.
Once in a while there emerges an idea so radiant, so silky, so bursting with nourishing emollients and nutraceuticals, that the staff at Spinster HQ can but put down their string cheese, gaze up from their microscopes, and raise a prickly-pear margarita to its genius.
Today I allude to this, one man’s response to the announcement by some apocalypse-predicting old godbag that the world is gonna end on Saturday:
An atheist and entrepreneur from North Hampshire, Bart Centre, is enjoying a boost in business for Eternal Earth-bound Pets, which he set up to look after the pets of those who believe they will be raptured. [cite]
God.
I mean God, the actual fictional deity. A real prince of a guy. He hates homos, women, Arabs, and communists; he loves blastocysts, white folks, America, and pedophile priests. He gives AIDS to babies and turns a blind eye to genocide in Sudan. Hell, he even gave me breast cancer! So it’s just like him to suction up 200 million pious animal caregivers through his giant Heaven Vacuum Tube and leave all those innocent dogs and hamsters and parakeets to starve to death or — the more likely scenario — get eaten alive by all the marauding infidel zombies God will have left behind to rot in squalor and pestilence. After Darfur, a thing like that would be pie to a guy like him.
Often I scratch the spinster noggin with a puzzled finger, unable to quite fathom why anybody would care to worship a fictional depraved shitbag like that God guy, but then I remember that fictional depraved shitbags are often charismatic, and that the godly, who have been lied to all their lives, can’t help being gullible.
Published by
Jill on
November 10, 2009.
As has been well documented, I have exhibited gallantry and forbearance on this painful subject for years, but dammitjim I can be silent no longer! I Blame the Patriarchy is now officially a “teh menz”-free zone. By which I mean, the bizarre and cringe-u-lational phrase “teh menz” will no longer be admitted into blaming discourse. The only reason I haven’t mentioned it until now — besides the aforementioned gallantry and forbearance — is my reluctance to endure the burning spasms that shoot through my fingers when I type the words.
I am not sure what concatenation of disquieting circumstances originally produced this “teh menz” phenomenon. Neither am I certain what tone the phrase is meant to strike, or why so many otherwise right-thinking people feel compelled to use it. However, I think we can all agree that its day, if it ever really had one, has come and gone, and anyway it really warps my autoharp, so it’s gotta go. Echoing the views of dictatorial and overbearing spinster aunts everywhere, I’d like to ban “teh menz” from the Internet altogether, along with the word “snarky,” horse breeder websites with that scripty font and rainbows on’em, and remarks beginning with “um.” Unfortunately, I am forced to settle for discrediting it here on this lonesome, unpopular blog.
Ditto “wimminz,” “baybeez,” “widdle baybeez,” and any other plural noun that is intentionally misspelled with a “z” within a blaming context. I regret to say that, whatever literary effect the author intends with this stylized illiteracy/baby talk, the result is merely unseemly, and it stinks the joint up.
Come for the pedantry, stay for the snobbery.
Published by
Jill on
October 5, 2009.
The one on the right really needs her feet trimmed. [Source]
Toe the line vs. tow the line.
Spinster aunts tend to use the former to connote a gesture of defiance, as in scraping a line in the sand with the toe of your Birkenstock and declaring to your opponent “I pity the fool who crosses this line I have just toed!”
The latter, on the other hand, somewhat pejoratively indicates the collaboration of a lackey, minion, middle-manager, or other low-ranking person with a larger entity, e.g. the phrase “tow the company line.” It is believed to be a metaphor of marine origin, likening the tow-er to a horse towing a barge up the Thames, or, even more tragically, a tugboat pulling a Carnival Cruiser of partying middle-managers into Cabo.
Discuss.
Latest Blamer Invective