Category Archive: The Beauty Ultimatum

Women had better do everything in their power to be beautiful, or else.

Feb 17 2014

Hail to the P

Here at the bunkhouse we recently had the opportunity to curl several jaundiced lips at another commercial for a femininity-compliance product. The product was Summer’s Eve Cleansing Wash. Summer’s Eve Cleansing Wash is a chemical detergent intended to scour the offensive, disgusting filth off your nasty vulva, a body part that nowadays — in an …

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Mar 17 2013

Spleenvent Sunday: media, mermaids, and auntly inefficacy in pre-revolutionary America

Several hair-raising events transpired at Dreadful Acres/Spinster HQ this weekend. Hear my tale. The nieces Finn and Ro-Tel, ages 7 and 9, were here for a sleepover. Like all little girls, they are horse crazy. It is not enough that they have unlimited access to actual horses while they are here. In the bunkhouse they …

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Jul 25 2012

“Pure panic” results in $25 face bungee

Watch More News Videos at ABC 2012 Presidential Election Entertainment & Celebrity News This device, invented by a woman suffering the femininity-imposed body dysmorphia typical of all 21st century women over the age of 12 (she was moved to create it “out of pure panic,”) attaches to your hair and stretches out your face. It’s …

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Jan 15 2012

Fairy tale Sunday

Have you heard about the recent breast implant scare in Europe and South America? It goes like this: A French manufacturer (Poly Implant Prosthese, or “PIP”) gets busted for making their sexbags with cut-rate industrial grade silicone and (some allege) a fuel additive. The bags are distributed globally into the innocent chests of over 300,000 …

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Dec 15 2011

That’s a more

Some day maybe I’ll write a post. Until then, two things. First, via PhysioProf, this: after millennia of sprain-free use by Romans in sensible shoes, they’re remodeling the streets of Rome to accommodate stiletto heels. Apparently the picturesque cobblestones of old are a hazard to the ligaments of pedestrians on Via del Corso who, though …

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Oct 23 2011

Spinster aunt was once adored by Dude Nation

The author as fashion model, c. 1985

A blamer mentioned yesterday that there’s a new post somewhere arguing that I’m a “bimbo-hating radical who undermines feminism by trying to take women’s sexiness away.” Just one? I was shocked. I have not read this post, and, with regret, I must deny myself the pleasure of doing so. When I tell you that my …

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Oct 14 2011

New study shows makeup is not optional

Well I hope you’re sitting down, because a cosmetics conglomerate has commissioned a study demonstrating that makeup makes people respect women who wear it. Ha, I was joking about sitting down, because as you know there is nothing more predictable than a cosmetics conglomerate trying to prove with number 1 science information that their useless, …

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Jul 24 2011

This TV ad is also puke

spokesfist

Summer’s Eve — the douche subsidiary of Fleet Laboratories, the company that makes enemas and other crap you stick up your ass — has a new spokesfist. According to this fist, which talks by thumb-synching to a voiceover, it can “perform the miracle of birth” and “make men drop to their knees in about 2.1 …

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Jul 24 2011

TV ad is puke

Navel-gazing as beauty ritual

Whenever I accidentally ingest poison and need to induce vomiting in a hurry, I watch a TV commercial for a beauty product. Recently, none* has been as efficient in producing instapuke as this ad for Mederma stretch mark remover. The commercial features attractive young women in underwear and fuzzy socks. Light, fluffy “la la la” …

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Apr 17 2011

Be confident of your daintiness

I always thought The Massengills would be a pretty good all-girl indie rock band name

A propos of shame- and fear-based advertising: this amusing article in Slate recounts Misogynist Advertising Ploys Through the Ages. You already know all about that megatheocorporatocratic tactic of ladycontrol, the one wherein it invents ladyproblems that can only be fixed by the toxic ladyproducts it sells, so this piece won’t be blowing your mind so …

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